The Houseguests
by Zilo Sugarpill
Summary: Hey, I was sure I could handle this. Mom would only be gone a week, and my siblings could behave sometimes. Piece of cake, right? Not when Envy shows up in your basement, it's not. And yet somehow he becomes the least of my problems...
1. Off To A Very Bad Start

**Warning! **Kplus for language and violence.  
**Story Content: **OCs abound.  
**Written by: **Zilo and Chizi  
**Beta: **ObsessionsGoTooFar

* * *

Chizi: Hi everyone! Welcome to a fic full of fun! And other stuff!

Zilo: Ever since Twisted I wanted to do another story with my beta and co-writer, and so this idea spawned! Please trust us when we say this ain't like your average "FMA character lands in your backyard" fic. I wouldn't let Chizi get away with that.

Chizi: Yer...

Zilo: So, anyway! We don't own FMA or any of the characters, or any of the other animes or manga we mention. Or Starbucks. Chizi owns Joey, Ricky and Cassie (lotta "ee" sounds, aren't there?) and...what was I saying?

Chizi: Beats me!

Zilo: Nah, not today, my hand is sore.

* * *

**1: Off To A Very Bad Start  
**_In Which A Lot Of Duct Tape Is Used_

"Okay. You remember the house rules? No boys, no parties, no drugs, no alcohol, no law-breaking. Basically, if you wouldn't do it with me standing two feet away, don't do it."

"Yes, Mom. I've got them all written down, remember? You can trust me because I'm a responsible legal adult."

Andrea Jones, more commonly known around the house as Mom, raised an eyebrow at me. "And make sure you pick up your brother and sister from school on time."

"I will!" I insisted.

Mom smiled and hugged me. "I know. I trust you to take care of everything while I'm gone," she said.

"That's right. You don't have to worry about a thing," I promised her.

_"Now boarding business class for Southwest Flight 226,"_ the intercom buzzed over the airport.

"That's me. Gotta go." Mom kissed my cheek.

"Bye, Mom! Enjoy the flight!" I waved at her, and she waved back at me with the hand holding her ticket, pulling her rolling suitcase behind her as she made her way to the counter. I kept waving until she made it through customs and disappeared through a narrow doorway that would lead her to her plane. Then I pumped my fist, twirling the car keys around a finger.

This was going to be the best week of my life. My mother's company was sending her on a week-long business trip. At first she was going to bring us along, us being me and my brother and sister, like she always does. But I convinced her that I was responsible enough to stay home alone. And she agreed!

That meant that I would be in charge of the house. And on the first week of summer break, no less. The possibilities were endless.

I left the airport and hurried back to where I had parked the car at the curb, so I wouldn't have to pay for that God-expensive airport parking. Sure enough, a security guard seemed to be getting interested in Mom's car, as I had suspected one might be. "I'm leaving right now, I swear," I told him as I hit the keyless entry and yanked open the door.

He tipped his cap at me, and I waved as I put the key in the ignition and started the car with my other hand. I pulled away from the curb and got onto the ramp that would take me back to the main road. "Wooooohoo!" I couldn't help cheering. I was very excited about this week. I was going to have so much fun!

Or so I thought.

* * *

Oh, I guess I should introduce myself or something. My name's Melissa Jones, but everyone calls me Joey. (The story behind the nickname is that when I was in first grade, my best friend started calling me "Jones" because he said using people's last names was cool. My brother was just starting to talk and picked it up, but he couldn't pronounce it and called me "Joes" which then evolved into "Joey". I didn't care, so it stuck.) I'm freshly-turned 18. I have a 13-year-old brother named Richard, goes by Ricky, and a 6-year-old sister named Cassandra, goes by Cassie. Our dad died when I was 11, so it's just us three and Mom.

I won't waste too much time telling you what I look like, because that's bo-ring. I've got curly red hair and brown eyes, and my best feature is my knees. They are some God-awesome knees. I love those knees, and I only cover them up when necessary. I haven't gotten any compliments on my knees yet, but still.

Ricky's got green eyes and his hair is more strawberry blond, and wavy rather than curly. It kind of looks like a surfer's hairdo, only his is naturally like that. Cassie has big brown eyes, and hair that curls in that cute angelic way that mine doesn't, and it's either red with a lot of brown highlights or brown with a lot of red highlights. We all get our hair from Mom, whose hair is so freaking orange no one ever believes it's her real hair color.

Description over!

Our house is about twenty minutes from the airport. So, factoring in five minutes to stop at Starbucks for a latte, I got home at about 9AM. Ricky and Cassie wouldn't be out of school until 3:30 at the earliest, so I had hours and hours all to myself.

"Lucy, I'm ho-ome!" I sang into the empty house when I unlocked the door. Obviously, I got no answer. I headed towards the kitchen and proceeded to trip over something.

"What the hell—I mean, heck?" I corrected myself. I had been trying to clean up my frequent use of swear words ever since I heard Cassie say "dammit!" when she was five. (I was only moderately successful.) I glared down at what had tripped me up. It was Ricky's copy of a Fullmetal Alchemist manga, volume four. (I'd borrowed it last week). I kicked it towards the sofa to join the newspaper already lying there.

Ricky's into typical teenage boy things like comic books and manga and anime and bugs and action movies and video games and junk. So am I, except for the bugs and movies. I have a small collection of my own anime and manga, but his is much bigger, so I usually bum his. We all get along reasonably well, though of course sometimes he and Cassie drive me insane. In fact, last night he and I had watched his brand-new Fullmetal Alchemist DVD in one of our anime-a-thons, followed by Gurren Lagann (his) and then FLCL (mine).

After I finished my latte, I had some breakfast, and then threw on a sweat suit and went for a jog. I only started becoming a real exercise buff about a year and a half ago, after our family doctor told me that my weight was affecting my health and I needed to get in shape. I set a goal to drop 20 pounds and change my eating habits, and so far, it had paid off nicely. I actually looked forward to walks and jogs and going to the gym. I was always tired afterwards, but the sense of accomplishment was worth it.

An hour later, I came back to the house exhausted and sweaty and found the numbers on all the digital clocks in the house blinking 12:22. I realized the power must have gone out twenty-two minutes earlier and resolved to check on the circuit breakers after I had taken a shower.

I showered and washed my hair, then pulled it back into a ponytail at the back of my head and put on a pink shirt and gray pants. Reluctantly, I headed down into the basement to make sure there hadn't been a power surge or anything.

The basement is filled with all sorts of things we don't use. Broken down bikes and exercise equipment, extra rolls of carpet, planks of wood, broken or old chairs, and so on. I almost never go down there, unless it's to check the circuit breakers. Any stuff I put down there gets lost forever. I flicked the light switch at the top of the stairs. "Will Joey meet her doom as she descends the rickety stairs?" I said like a movie previews announcer. "What horrors will she find down in…THE BAAAASEMEEEENT!"

I made it to the bottom and tripped over something else. "God da—blast it! What now?" I griped, looking down.

I promptly screamed.

There was a _person_ lying on the basement floor.

Quickly, I backed away until the backs of my ankles ran into the bottom step, nearly knocking me over. My heart pounded double-time in my chest. I grabbed the nearest item I could use as a weapon, which turned out to be a broken baseball bat, and held it menacingly.

The person didn't move.

I stood there like an idiot for a few moments until I finally got that this person was unconscious and wasn't going to attack me. Slowly, I lowered the bat and approached cautiously. I reached out and poked the figure with a toe.

They didn't stir. They were lying on their stomach, their face turned away from me. Whoever they were, they had really long, dark hair.

"Uh...hey. Hey!" I prodded a little harder and got no response. I got closer and crouched down, hoping that this wasn't a hobo who had somehow broken into our basement to die and was now a dead body.

I heaved a big breath. I would have to check their pulse. I didn't want to touch them if they were a body, but I had to. So I braced myself, grabbed the person by their arm, and rolled them onto their back.

For about a full thirty seconds, I stared, stunned. What the heck was some cosplayer doing in our basement, in full costume? Whoever this guy was, he had on a really convincing Envy costume. (And I don't know too many male cosplayers that are secure enough to cosplay as midriff-baring, skort-wearing Envy) He even had the pinkish-pale skin. And the wig looked like real hair, nothing like that Envy wig I had almost bought online. To my relief, the cosplayer's chest was rising and falling, indicating that he wasn't dead.

"Hey, can you hear me?" I said, shaking him.

He didn't stir. I visually examined him and found no injuries. So I decided to pull off his wig and check for lumps to see if he had been knocked out or something.

I grabbed a fistful of the hair, and was surprised at how real it felt. I tugged, but the wig didn't come off. No way was it the guy's real hair? But I doubted he'd superglue the wig to his head. With a sigh, I parted the stupid hair with my fingers and found that it was indeed attached to his scalp.

"You must be a really dedicated cosplayer to grow your hair out this long," I commented to the guy as I kneaded his skull, looking for lumps. "That or crazy. How the hel--ck did you get in my basement anyway? And why are you in cosplay? There are never any cons in High Springs. Pshh. There's barely a movie theater." High Springs is a small town in Florida, and you can bet there aren't any conventions insane enough to come here.

I searched his scalp as thoroughly as I could, but I couldn't find anything out of the ordinary, besides a ridiculously smooth scalp. Everybody has lumps, don't they? Not this guy. "The ladies must love that smooth scalp," I teased the guy as I checked his pulse. Then, with a second look at his costume, I added, "Or the men."

After my most extensive search for any injuries he might have (with skills that I had picked up from watching a lot of cop shows) I couldn't find anything that explained his unconsciousness. "Somebody slip you something in your drink?" I asked him, debating how to get him upstairs. "But no matter what happened to you, the question is how'd you get in my _basement_?"

I decided I would get him up to the couch in the living room, and call for an ambulance. I hooked my arms underneath his and started to drag him to the stairs. The fabric of his top distracted me. It was a very weird fabric I'd never felt before, kind of like velvet only...different. Really, it was a very, very convincing costume.

Suddenly, I saw the fingers on his right hand twitch. "Hey, are you waking up?" I said in relief, gently letting him back down. Good. He could walk up the stairs. The guy was freaking heavy.

He didn't move again.

"Ah, jeez, come on!" I said. "You're really heavy!" I grabbed a flashlight from a shelf and smacked it on my palm a couple of times before flicking it on. The light was initially bright but started to go dim. I bent over the guy and peeled one of his eyes open, shining the flashlight in it, to hopefully pull him back to consciousness.

"Whoa."

This guy had really gone all out. He had violet contacts with a catlike pupil. But it didn't even look like a contact. It really looked real. It was amazing. "You are one dedicated cosplayer," I commented.

The next thing happened so fast that I could barely figure it out. The guy's other eye flew open, and his eyes seemed to brighten with something that can only be described as rage. If it hadn't happened so fast, the pure anger would have made me shrink away. But in the very same moment, his hand flashed up and encircled my throat. He had an iron grip, and he was tightening it.

My next words choked in my throat. The sudden cutting off of my air supply caused my lungs to protest. I squirmed uselessly, the hand that had been holding his eye open now grabbing his wrist to try and pull it away. But it was useless. He was much stronger than me.

I couldn't look away from his angry violet eyes. "Who the _hell_ do you think you are?" he growled, and beneath the fear, I felt shock at how well he mimicked Envy's voice actress. He sounded _exactly_ like Envy. And he was acting exactly like Envy. And he looked exactly like Envy. In fact, if I didn't know that it was impossible, I might think he _was_ Envy.

But my main thought was _Oh my God, I'm going to die_.

"Where's the Fullmetal Pipsqueak?" he hissed in my face.

Obviously, I couldn't say anything to him, as I was struggling in vain to breathe. He seemed to get this and released his grip on my throat. I hadn't even noticed that he had raised me into the air until I fell to the ground, landing on my side. I sucked in a breath and immediately started to cough.

"Well?" he demanded. "Where is he?"

"What...are you talking...about?" I said between coughs. This cosplayer was obviously a nut who had taken the role of Envy a little too far.

"Don't play games with me!" he yelled at me. He grabbed me by the front of my shirt and hauled me to eye-level with him, which lifted my feet off the ground again. "Where is the _Fullmetal Alchemist_?" he hissed.

"Are you crazy?" I demanded, which probably wasn't the best response. "Fullmetal Alchemist isn't real! What are you, some psycho cosplayer? How did you even get in my basement?"

"I'm the one asking the questions here, you little brat!" the Envy cosplayer shouted. "I know that runt was here! I was just fighting him a moment ago! You had better tell me where he went, or—"

It was at that point that I realized I still had the flashlight in my hand and used it to crack this crazy guy over the head. For once, my swing had some power behind it, and hurt him enough that he released my shirt. I immediately whirled and ran up the stairs, heading for the living room to call the cops and tell them to bring the paddy wagon.

I heard his roar of anger and footsteps coming after me on the stairs. I dashed through the kitchen and into the living room. My heart sank when I saw that the cordless phone wasn't on its base. _Stupid Ricky and his stupid always moving the God-stupid phone!_ I thought, redirecting myself to the stairs to get to his room.

Before I could make it, though, I was yanked to a stop that made my scalp scream in pain. I landed heavily on the floor and saw that the guy had grabbed a hold of my ponytail. He looked even madder than he had before. His fist was cocked to hit me, and I threw my arms over my head to shield it.

I then heard the sound of something shattering, and dared to peek just as the Envy cosplayer collapsed next to me. I quickly scrambled up and away, whirling to see what had happened.

My brother Ricky stood at the guy's feet, holding what remained of one of Mom's vases. The rest of it was in pieces on the floor. "Ricky!" I exclaimed with relief. "Quick, go get the phone so we can call the cops!"

"Wait, we can't do that!" he said quickly.

I stared up at him. My brother Ricky has been taller than me since he was 9, so I've gotten used to it. "Are you insane?" I spluttered. "This cosplayer guy's a psycho! We're calling 911 so he doesn't wake up and _kill_ us!"

"I'm serious!" Ricky insisted. "Joey, listen, I know this sounds crazy, but this is the real Envy!"

I stared at him, too stunned to reply. My brother had officially lost his mind. Again.

"Listen, I got this chainletter in my e-mail last night and—"

"I don't know what kind of drugs you're taking, but I'm getting the phone," I said, turning and starting up the steps. I'd tear his room to pieces and find that phone.

Ricky grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. "No, please just listen, okay? I'm not crazy or taking drugs. This is the real Envy!"

"Even if that's true, which is insane because Fullmetal Alchemist isn't even _real_, then I'd still call the cops because Envy is an _insane_ _human-hating MASS-MURDERER_!" I yelled at him.

"Then we'll tie him up!" was Ricky's reply.

"Are you _crazy_?! We're not tying him up; we're calling the _cops_!"

* * *

"How the _hell_ did I let you talk me into this," I griped as I wrapped another layer of duct-tape around the supposed Envy's ankles, securing each one to the front legs of the chair we had propped him in.

"The part of you that loves your little brother knew that I was telling the truth," Ricky said reasonably as he added an extra-long strip of duct tape around the supposed Envy's chest to secure it against the chair's back.

Somehow I had let Ricky convince me to drag the cosplayer guy downstairs and prop him in an old chair. We then searched the basement for some rope (keeping close eyes on the guy, of course) and, after finding none, settled on duct tape. Now we were using every last bit of that duct tape to secure the guy to the chair and make certain he couldn't get out of it.

"I swear, Ricky, if this is because of weed or something, I'm going to kill you, revive you, put you in rehab, and then kill you again when you get out," I threatened him, pulling off a strip of duct tape to secure the guy's arm to the armrest. "You're supposed to be in school right now, anyway."

"Well, if I hadn't come home, Envy might've hurt you!" Ricky said.

"I'm glad you saved me, but I think we can swap the 'might've' for 'definitely would've'," I replied sarcastically. "Now you promised me an explanation. Let's hear it. This ought to be good."

"It is, I swear. I can tell you what happened." "I can tell you what happened" is his favorite phrase. "I was checking my e-mail last night, and I got a chainletter from EdwardsWife77. You remember her?"

I nodded. EdwardsWife77 was an insane FMA fangirl. Ricky and I met her when we joined an online anime club. I eventually dropped out, but Ricky stayed in. EdwardsWife always sent him loads of FMA-related stuff.

"Well, you know how I always do those things, even if they're stupid. So I did it. And—" here he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper "—it actually _worked_."

"Are you kidding me?" I said at a normal volume. "That's impossible. Chainletters can't bring fictional characters to life."

"It's true! The proof's right here!" Ricky said, gesturing to the guy we'd duct-taped to a chair.

"All I see is a mentally challenged guy with a really convincing cosplay outfit," I said, hands on my hips. "Not a shape-shifting Homunculus."

"Oh, come on. He looks and sounds and acts just like Envy!" Ricky argued.

"Hence the 'mentally challenged' part!" I shot back. "He's obviously just watched too much Fullmetal Alchemist, identified with Envy or something, and decided to become a living incarnation of him! There is no way in hell this is actually Envy!"

"I bet talking to him would change your mind," Ricky said confidently.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. Whether this crazy tale of yours is true or not, why would I sit down and talk to this guy? If you're right, not likely, he's a deranged Homunculus. If _I'm_ right, most likely, he's a deranged human. It's a bad idea either way!" I argued.

"Well, we've got him attached to a chair, what else can we do with him but talk to him?" Ricky said in a reasonable tone.

"We could take him to an asylum, for one," I said, crossing my arms.

"Look. How about I get you in an IM with EdwardsWife77, and she can tell you all about it," Ricky suggested.

"What, testimony from someone _else_ crazy? Oh, that's the most excellent idea in the world," I said sarcastically. But I had to admit, the outfit and the hair and everything on the cosplayer guy was authentic enough to plant a little seed of doubt in my mind. It had to be impossible, but weren't there a lot of things people would have thought was impossible fifty years ago? Granted, this was in a category all its own, but it probably wouldn't hurt to at least talk to the person who had turned my brother into a nutcase. I sighed and agreed with a nod of my head, and Ricky brightened, turning and dashing up the basement stairs.

"This is insane," I griped, glaring at the supposed Envy. "I mean, if it's true, this is the kind of crap that would happen in _fanfiction_. What did I do to deserve this?"

* * *

Zilo: So! That was the first chapter! What did you guys think?

Chizi: Hopefully it was liked!

Zilo: Please give us your reviews and feedback!

Chizi: And join us next time, eh? Eh?


	2. The First Complication

Zilo: Welcome! Thanks for sticking around!

Chizi: We're glad you joined us again! Anyway, it seems we didn't properly introduce ourselves last time!

Zilo: WHAT?! OH NOES! Well then, to anyone who didn't follow me from one of my other fics, I'm Zilo Sugarpill!

Chizi: And for everyone who doesn't know me, which is pretty much everyone, I'm Chizi-chan!

Zilo: Many thanks to **Clouds On Monday, fullmetalshadowwolf, kariki, Malicious-Me, Koinu-chan, Mimitalind, alexthegreat, Tori-Matsu, Jibbette, Im-Right-Behind-You**, and **Megan May** for reviewing!

Chizi: As a reward, here's another chapter. Please enjoy!

* * *

**2: The First Complication**

_In Which Everyone's Sanity Is Questioned_

I found myself rubbing my temples in frustration, feeling a headache coming on. This was simply ridiculous. I couldn't believe I was actually condoning this. I should have already called the cops and gotten this crazy cosplayer guy out of my house. Instead I was playing along with this crazy game my crazy brother was playing.

Sitting on the basement steps, I once again eyed the guy. He hadn't woken up yet from the little vase-to-the-head incident. Ricky and I had used two full rolls of duct tape to secure him to the old dining room chair, and I was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to bust out. If he somehow _did_, I had prepared for that by piling basement junk around him in such a way that any wrong move would send several heavy items crashing down on his head, feet, whatever. By the time he got free of _those_, I would have made it upstairs and locked the basement door.

It disturbed me a little that I had planned this on a sort of subconscious belief that he would have Homunculus strength. I again reminded myself that Ricky's story was ridiculous and our new prisoner couldn't possibly be Envy. Once I had dealt with EdwardsWife77 and convinced Ricky he was certifiably insane, we'd call the police and that would be the end of it.

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and twisted around to see Ricky bringing down Mom's extra laptop. He joined me on the step I was sitting on and put the laptop in my lap. It was already open and connected to the online anime club's website. He had opened a chat window. "She's waiting for you," he said almost solemnly.

This required me to give him a "are you insane?" look. "'She's waiting for me'? What is this, _The Godfather_? Jeez, dude." I checked the list of people in the chat and realized it was just me and her. Ricky had signed in under his own screen name, so I started to type.

**EdwardvsLelouch: **are you there?

I waited, looking up once to check on the cosplayer. Still out. The laptop dinged, indicating a reply. I looked back down.

**EdwardsWife77: **hey hey rick!

I shot Ricky a look. "You didn't tell her it was me?" He was putting on an innocent look when the computer dinged again.

**EdwardsWife77: **u never told me, u use the letter I sent u??? howd it go???

I sighed, and started typing again.

**EdwardvsLelouch: **sorry, you've got the wrong girl. i'm his sister  
**EdwardsWife77: **???  
**EdwardvsLelouch: **remember? TheJoes101?  
**EdwardsWife77: **oh!!! Hey gurl!!  
**EdwardvsLelouch: **listen, Ricky's been going slowly insane and i think it's your fault, so what's this about this chain letter?

There was a pause. The cosplayer groaned, and both our heads shot up. Ricky clutched an unbroken baseball bat I hadn't noticed he'd brought down. We watched as the cosplayer's head shifted, but he didn't return to consciousness.

"How hard did you hit him with that vase?" I demanded of Ricky.

He shrugged. The computer pinged.

**EdwardsWife77: **insane? How do u mean?  
**EdwardvsLelouch: **Well I went jogging this morning and when I came back some unconscious Envy cosplayer was in the basement. when the dude woke up he nearly killed me but Ricky bashed him over the head with a vase and now he's unconscious again and duct taped to a chair. Ricky's trying to convince me that he's the real Envy.

Her response didn't take long.

**EdwardsWife77: **OMGOMGOMG! It did work!! But u tied envy up w/ duct tape?  
**EdwardvsLelouch: **I TOLD you he tried to kill me and  
**EdwardvsLelouch: **you are NOT trying to tell me that this is the real envy too??  
**EdwardsWife77: **it is! i swear!! believe ur bro!!!  
**EdwardvsLelouch: **you must be insane!  
**EdwardsWife77: **no listen!! listen!! i sent rick this chain letter that would cause your world and an anime world of his choosing to collide!! and this is the result!! uve got the real envy tied up!!  
**EdwardsWife77: **or should I say ductaped up, LOL!!!!!

"See? I told you!" Ricky told me.

I snapped the laptop shut, which put it on automatic standby. "Oh, so I'm supposed to listen to _two_ crazy people now? I'm not a gullible idiot, Ricky," I snapped. "Is this cosplayer guy your friend? Someone you paid to trick me?"

"Where would I find a business for renting out cosplayers to trick skeptical sisters?" Ricky argued.

"There's all sorts of crazy internet services out there!" I shot back.

"But why would I go to all this trouble just for some joke? No way would I pay some stranger just to get one over on you! Besides, I'm more of a whoopee cushion and joy buzzer guy myself!" Ricky said.

Well, he did have a point. It was ridiculously elaborate for a prank. "Well, there's no other option," I told him.

"Yes there is," Ricky said. "You believe me and EdwardsWife that this guy—" here he pointed at our prisoner "—is really Envy."

"That's not an option. That's lunacy."

"Come on, Joey! Okay, look, did he say anything before he started chasing you around?"

I scowled. "Yeah. He asked me where the Fullmetal Alchemist was."

"And he sounded like Envy, right? I mean, his voice actress, right?"

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, he did."

"There's no way any normal dude could pull that off," Ricky pointed out.

"Fine then. It's a crazy cosplaying woman," I said, still being stubborn.

Ricky threw up his hands like I was being utterly ridiculous. "Joey! Come on already! Stop denying the evidence!"

"I'm not! Something like this is impossible and you know it! Anime characters don't magically pop into the real world in real life!"

"Then explain how he looks, sounds, and acts just like Envy! Nobody's that dedicated a cosplayer! And how would he get in our house to begin with?"

I sighed through my nose. Ricky was bound and determined to believe that this was really Envy. It just threw me at how he could suddenly become so seriously insane. It was so ridiculous that it almost made it seem possible. Maybe there _was _some mystical way to warp anime characters into your basement.

"What the _HELL HAVE YOU DONE_?!"

The thunderous voice made us both jump. We whirled towards the source. Envy—if this really was Envy—was awake, and he was pissed. He started to thrash furiously in the chair, trying to break the bonds of duct tape holding him in place. Some of the ones I'd wrapped loosened or snapped altogether. But Ricky had done a pretty amazing job, and his strips of duct tape held firm.

Ricky gave me an "I told you so" look very quickly before he stood up, holding the baseball bat in one hand. I jumped up as well, clutching the laptop like a shield, suddenly worried that Ricky was going to try and talk to this guy.

Envy—I mean, the cosplayer—looked even madder when he wasn't making much progress in getting himself un-duct taped. The chair rocked back and forth, nearly tipping over both ways, as he tried to pull his arms, legs, and torso free. His hair swirled wildly in the wind he was kicking up.

"You can try all you want, but you won't get out," Ricky said suddenly, almost startling him. I looked up at my brother to see his original nervousness replaced with something that looked pretty damn smug. "We made sure of that."

I looked back to Envy in time to see him throw the blackest of looks at us. He held still for a moment, seeming to concentrate, then his look of anger was briefly interrupted by a flash of confusion before he started to struggle again. "What have you done to me!" he hissed. "You filthy humans—how did you take my powers away!"

I only remembered Envy's shapeshifting ability when he mentioned it. I was surprised to hear that it wasn't working, but as I thought on it a little longer, it made some sort of sense. Alchemy and Homunculus powers were nullified on the other side of the Gate, and technically the movie was set in our world—

But I realized I was making rationale like this was the real Envy and caught myself. I was the only sane one left here. It was too easy to get caught up in the moment. I had even been thinking of our prisoner as "Envy" instead of "the cosplayer". I needed to get a grip.

Ricky stepped forward once. "Are you the Homunculus Envy?" he intoned, like he was the leader of some sect. I rolled my eyes.

Envy paused in his escape attempts for a moment, and glowered at us suspiciously. Then he sneered. "Been looking for me, have you?"

It really did sound just like Envy. My thoughts kept getting confused, and I was starting to doubt myself more. The voice, the personality, it fit so well.

"We have some questions for you," said Ricky.

"You can go to hell instead," was Envy's reply.

I started to shake my head. I put my hand on Ricky's arm to get his attention. "Ricky, this is insane. This can't be the real Envy. Let's just call the—"

"Ex-_cuse_ me?" Envy butted in, sounding almost offended. "Not the real Envy! Get something straight, girl, I _am_ the one and only Envy. If you know so much about me you _should_ be trembling little blobs of flesh at the moment. Now release me before I kill you both."

I stared at him. How was it he was convincing me? I must be going insane too! Great, just what we needed: a family of crazy people.

"You're not in a position to give orders," Ricky said, pointing the baseball bat at Envy like some magical scepter or something.

Envy glared at him. His authentic-looking purple eyes slid over to me for a second. I was still staring. A brief flash of something seemed to pass through them—like a calculating look—before he turned back to Ricky. "So what do you want then?" he asked, his voice haughty as usual.

I was really falling for this. Even as I started to fall for it I couldn't believe I was starting to fall for it. It was hard to look at this guy, and listen to him, and not start thinking he was really Envy. If he was just a cosplayer, he must have spent hours and hours getting down Envy's every little nuance so he seemed convincing no matter what he did.

"Like I said, just some questions," Ricky said. "To prove you are who you say you are." He didn't add that this was to convince me, but I had the feeling it was.

Envy snorted. "And how will you make me answer them, brat?" he demanded, sounding smug.

"We can't make you do anything," Ricky replied, sounding even smugger, "but we _can _leave you in that chair and not feed you or give you water or bathroom breaks."

"Apparently you don't know as much as you think you know, you little swine. I'm a Homunculus. I don't need any of that," Envy sneered.

"The rules have changed, _Envy_," Ricky shot back. I realized that he was seriously enjoying this and resisted the urge to smack either my forehead or his face. "The same element that rendered your powers useless has also rendered your body more or less human. Trapped in that chair, you're gonna need us to keep you from starving and peeing all over yourself. We'll gladly help you, as long as you answer our questions."

As Ricky spoke, Envy's face had changed from smug to disbelieving, to partially confused, to very briefly horrified before settling on predictable rage. "You had better be lying," he hissed.

"Nope," Ricky grinned. "Just wait and see. Your stomach'll be rumbling like nobody's business soon enough."

I couldn't help myself, and tugged on Ricky's arm. "How the hell would you know this?" I asked him in a low voice.

"Me and EdwardsWife researched it pretty extensively," he replied in an equally low voice.

I wished I hadn't asked.

"You...little..." Envy was shaking with anger. "I'll kill you!" he raged, lunging forward, or trying to. Ricky flinched but didn't move, but I jumped back.

However, the lunge did little more than to upset Envy's chair and land him facedown on the floor, still secured to it. He proceeded to use a long string of swear words, a few I'd never even heard of, and call us names that even sailors wouldn't dare use.

Ricky was the one to pull on my arm this time. "Come on," he said, pulling me towards the stairs. It wasn't too hard to get me to follow.

* * *

"Well?" Ricky said triumphantly once we were safely upstairs with the basement door locked. Envy's swear-a-thon was still audible, though well muffled through the door.

I sighed heavily. I didn't really know what to say. Logic insisted this was impossible, but I didn't think there was anyone in the world who could impersonate Envy so realistically. "I don't know," I finally mumbled.

"Oh, come on! You can't tell me you still believe that he's just a cosplayer!" Ricky exclaimed.

"I said I don't know. I'm not sure," I replied, rubbing my temples.

Ricky seemed to be satisfied with my indecision for now.

"Okay, let's say I believe that that's really Envy. Hypothetically. Then _why_, Ricky? Why Envy? Why not someone less violent, like Al or Ed or freaking Roy?" I demanded.

"I didn't pick him on purpose. That's who the chain letter gave me. EdwardsWife said that it would collide the worlds to best suit my needs or something," Ricky told me.

"That sounds sick and also stupid," I told him. I glanced at the clock, which Ricky had apparently reset, and saw that it was now 12:20.

"Oh, _damn_!" I exclaimed.

"What?" Ricky asked, looking concerned.

"Cassie's school got out at 12!" Since it was the last day before break, it was a half-day for her class. I dashed to the front door, grabbing the keys off the mail table as I did. Then I practically screeched to a halt, whirling back towards Ricky.

"Get him out of here!" I yelled, pointing in the general direction of the basement. "We can't have Cassie in here with a crazy Homunculus!" I was too worked up to even correct myself. If Mom somehow found out I was late in picking up Cassie...

Ricky blinked. "But he's trapped in the basement."

"I don't care! He needs to be gone before I get back with Cassie!" I threw open the front door.

"But—but Joey, where in the heck do I take him?" Ricky asked, sounding a little panicked.

"Don't know, don't care! How about the police station, or the psych ward, or the freaking park!" I raced to the car, flinging the door shut behind me.

* * *

Admittedly, I broke a couple traffic laws to get to the school as fast as possible. When I pulled up to the sidewalk, I saw Cassie standing there and waiting. I drove up next to her and leaned over to push open the passenger door.

"It's 12:30!" Cassie said pitifully as she climbed into the front, helping me to break another law.

"I know, sweetie, I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "Just some stuff happened at home."

Cassie let out a little sigh through her nose as she pulled the door shut and dutifully put on her seatbelt. "Jenna and Gina already left before me. I was all alone!"

"But I'm here now, and you're okay, so let's not speak of it again. Deal?" I suggested.

She eyed me.

"Starbucks?" I tried.

"Yes!" she agreed, her face lighting up. Fortunately I can bribe her with such things.

* * *

After another stop to Starbucks to get Cassie a hot chocolate and a muffin, we made it home. I sighed and climbed out of the car. Cassie got out on the other side, still telling me about her day around a mouthful of muffin. "And then, Mrs. Simon told us this story about this kid who didn't do any studying during summer break, and his brains rotted and fell out of his ear. I think she was joking," she went on as she followed me to the front door.

I had just pulled out my key when the front door flew open. It was Ricky, and he looked stressed. "He got his legs free!" he exclaimed.

"He's still _here_?!" I exclaimed, my voice practically going soprano.

A loud banging noise answered me.

Cassie stopped chewing. "Who's here?" she asked.

I whirled. "Um, Cassie, why don't you go and see if Natasha wants to play?" I suggested quickly, pointing to the neighbor's house.

"But I'm still in my school clothes," Cassie said, gesturing to her light blue shirt and navy plaid skirt.

"Oh, that's okay, you look so cute in it anyway, go play!"

_BAM_!

I flinched. "Go now, go, go! See if you can spend the night!" I practically shoved her towards the neighbor's house. Once she had started moving, I rounded on Ricky. "What the hell is he doing?" I demanded.

"Trying to knock the basement door down!" Ricky cried.

"Go kill him with your bat, stupid!" I ran into the house and dashed upstairs to my room, resisting the urge to flinch at the rhythmic banging that sounded like it was getting worse with each bang.

In my room, I threw open my dresser drawers. "Where is it, where is it," I muttered, rifling through clothes and small odds and ends.

Another bang. "_Joey_!" Ricky's panicked voice cried.

I found what I was looking for and, grabbing it in my hand, ran back downstairs as fast as I could. Ricky was hovering near the basement door, bat in hand, looking a lot less smug and a lot more scared out of his mind.

With a final bang, the door slammed open, revealing Envy. He had indeed gotten his legs free—I remembered with a pang that I had been the one to duct tape those—and strips of broken tape were dangling off them. He lunged into the room, his eyes bright with anger and also, evil triumph.

I didn't dare stop moving. As I raced forward, even as Ricky reared backwards and raised his bat wildly, I yanked off the top of my can of pepper spray, shook, pointed, and shot it in Envy's direction in about three seconds total.

Fortunately, I more or less hit the mark. Envy let out a bellow and fell back. Ricky hit him with the bat, knocking him back down the stairs. I slammed the door shut, and we both started piling furniture in front of it—small tables, chairs, a couple of lamps, an armchair, anything we could move quickly.

When we were finished bracing the door, we paused, both breathing heavily. Facing each other with wild looks in our eyes, we listened for any sounds that Envy was trying again.

Nothing.

"Do you think we killed him?" Ricky asked, voice cracking from stress.

"We could only be so lucky," I said roughly.

"W-What do we do?" he asked me.

"You're asking _me_?" I exclaimed. "This is all _your_ fault! You're the crazy one who went off tampering with stupid supernatural chain letters!" When I looked back later and reflected on this whole thing, I realized that those very words marked the point where I began to believe we were dealing with the real Envy. It was too hard to keep being skeptical.

"But you're the oldest!" Ricky came back, with a logic that made me want to punch him.

"I didn't think I'd have to deal with anything like _this_! Dammit!" I fumed, shoving my fingers through my bangs to pull them away from my face.

"Um, guys?"

We both whirled and saw Cassie standing a few feet away, staring at us both like we were legally insane.

"You're supposed to be at Natasha's!" was the first thing out of my mouth.

Cassie sort of absently indicated her drink. "I can't bring drinks to her house." This was because of the Giant Bowl of Red Kool-Aid Incident from last year. Large amount of red Kool-Aid + light-colored carpet = a giant disaster.

"Who was that tied up guy?" she asked.

Ricky and I sort of froze for a moment. Then, Cassie spoke again. "He looked like that guy from that one show you guys watch. That evil one that wears girls' clothes and can look like other people."

"Um," Ricky said.

"Uh," I said.

"Why is he in our house?" Cassie asked. Being a six-year-old who still wholeheartedly believed in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, vampires, werewolves, the power to fly, and the idea that nothing is impossible, she didn't seem to have much a problem believing that it was indeed the real Envy in our basement.

Ricky swallowed. "I, uh, I kind of used a magic chain letter to bring Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist to our world," he said, sounding sheepish. "But it's okay, he's trapped in the basement now! He can't hurt us!"

Maybe Envy couldn't hurt us, but I could sure hurt Ricky.

Then, speaking the most profound thing anyone had said all day, Cassie exclaimed, "Are you _crazy_?!"

* * *

Chizi: Chapter 2 is done!

Zilo: And now we leave you all, to go write the next chapter!

Chizi: See you next time!


	3. Mayhem

Chizi: WHAT TOOK SO LONG?  
Zilo: ...You know, you're a CO-WRITER. Which means half the fault is yours.  
Chizi: Wha...oh, damn.  
Zilo: So thanks to **Pumpkin2Face, Im-Right-Behind-You, Just Leah, chiyochan, Jibbette, samgirl, Mimitalind, Koinu-chan, Pyromaniac Azula, Draconian Master, fictionalcharacterwish, Spade**, and** Cap'n BunBun** for reviewing! And to answer some questions, Joey isn't based off either of us, since she's Irish, and I'm just black. And Chizi's an alien.  
Chizi: HEY!  
Zilo: I mean Asian. (hands **chiyochan** a "I Helped The Authoress With A Plot Point And I Didn't Know It" t-shirt)  
Chizi: Anyway, here's Chapter 3, where the chaos gets ratcheted up to 11!

* * *

**3: Mayhem**  
_In which the house gets a makeover_

**EdwardsWife77:** wow that sounds like an adventure  
**EdwardvsLelouch:** yeah well, what do we do?  
**EdwardsWife77:** umm...  
**EdwardsWife77:** well is he secure now?  
**EdwardvsLelouch:** I guess. He's trapped in the basement. He broke the lock but we put a bunch of heavy stuff in front of the door.  
**EdwardsWife77:** well I guess just keep him there until u can send him back  
**EdwardsWife77:** if u don't want 2 get 2 know him  
**EdwardvsLelouch:** are you kidding me? OF COURSE we'll send him back! He's way too dangerous! Just tell us how  
**EdwardsWife77:** well just use the chain letter again and that should do it. Tell ricky to just reverse the sending instructions hell know what I mean  
**EdwardvsLelouch:** all right we're gonna do that right now  
**EdwardsWife77:** are u SURE you don't

I closed the laptop, cutting off the conversation before I could read the rest of that psychopath's last plea. Get to know Envy? Only if I were a Mary Sue, safe from all harm. And I doubted that would happen anytime soon.

"So what does 'reverse the sending instructions' mean?" I asked Ricky, who was sitting crosslegged on my right.

Ricky held out his hands for the laptop, which I transferred to him. On my left, Cassie, seeing my knee was now free, immediately rested her chin on it. "Maybe we should call Mommy," she said.

"No, I can handle this," I said quickly. "All we have to do is send him back, and our problems are over. It's really simple."

Cassie looked doubtful. There's a reason that kid is about to skip second grade.

Ricky had re-opened the laptop and pulled up his e-mail account. He clicked through a few screens, then pointed. "Here it is. This is the reverse clause."

"The huh?" I said.

Ricky shifted the laptop so I could see. He was halfway scrolled down an e-mail titled "_yer chainletter gl rick!1_"

_Return Policy_

_Are things not going well? Maybe that character you admired isn't adjusting too well to your life. Then the return policy is simple! Just fill out the return form, and forward the letter to yourself. And in a blink, your life will be normal and boring again!_

_Please note that the effects do not take place immediately. In case of a sudden crisis, begin the return policy as soon as possible and run for the nearest safe shelter._

"Are you serious?" I said, giving Ricky a look.

"Hey, I didn't know it would happen like this!" Ricky protested. He scrolled down to where the return form was, and started to fill it out. I leaned over to read the thing.

_Return Form_  
_Character: Envy_  
_Anime: Fullmetal Alchemsit_  
_Version: English dub_

I frowned, noticing that Ricky had made a typo, changing "Fullmetal Alchemist" to "Fullmetal Alchemsit". I opened my mouth to point it out, but Ricky sent the e-mail off before I could.

"Hey, you had a typo," I told him. "That's not gonna mess it up, is it?"

"Of course not," Ricky said confidently.

I rolled my eyes.

"Now what?" Cassie asked.

"Now we wait for the power to go out again. That means Envy's gone," Ricky told her.

"And then we'll have learned a very important moral lesson about not screwing with supernatural stuff, won't we?" I said, glaring at Ricky.

"Yeah, yeah," Ricky said, dismissing me now that we had everything under control.

Just as I thought that, there was a loud _BOOM_ on the other side of the basement door. The three of us all jumped and whirled. Some of the furniture we'd piled against the door fell away. We jumped up in alarm.

"Oh no!" Cassie exclaimed, cringing. There was another _BOOM_, and more stuff fell away.

"Dammit! Ricky, when does the return policy kick in?" I yelled as I rushed to brace the door.

Ricky started after me. "It should be any second now—"

Whatever else he said was lost to me, as a third and final _BOOM_ sounded. The door flew open, the last few items sent sailing away. One of them, a lightweight end table, flew through the air and smacked right into me, knocking me flat on my back and causing me to bang my head on the floor. My head rang, and my vision darkened. I heard Cassie scream and Ricky cry out, and again wanted to club Ricky for bringing a homicidal maniac into the same house as a six-year-old.

The end table had nicely stayed on top of me, and now my throbbing head was distracting me. I couldn't see yet, but I could hear. And I could...sense a presence over me.

"Cassie! Run!" Ricky's voice yelled. I thought I heard corresponding footsteps, but I wasn't sure.

"You fools," Envy's voice sneered. Then, a moment later, "Oh, right. A _lamp's_ going to protect you, you little twerp."

"How did you get out of the duct tape?" Ricky's breathless and scared voice demanded. My vision slowly started to clear, and I saw the presence I'd sensed standing over me, one foot on either side of my waist. My heart sank as my fears were confirmed. It was Envy, completely free, in our living room.

"Those are some pretty pathetic last words," Envy said, with that smug tone I'd thought was funny in the anime, but that now scared the daylights out of me. He stepped over me, and then I heard a few scuffling sounds, a thump, and Ricky's yell.

I shoved the end table off my legs and flipped over. My vision was still blurry, but I could make out shapes and colors. And it looked like Envy had Ricky pinned to the wall by his throat.

As the oldest child, it was up to me to save him.

I ignored the pounding of my head, chest, and back, and struggled to my knees. My vision finally fixed itself once I was upright. Ricky was trying to squirm out of Envy's grip. The furniture we'd propped against the door was spread all over the living room, some of it broken. Cassie was nowhere in sight, which was a relief. I picked up the very end table that had thrown me for a loop and rushed at Envy. Instead of hollering some witty one-liner, like they do on TV, I just brought the end table down on him as hard as I could. Envy saw me and dodged at the last second, but I still managed to hit his shoulder, which made his grip loosen enough for Ricky to break free. My brother fell to his knees, coughing, his hand around his throat.

"Keep your filthy hands off my brother, you bastard palm tree!" I yelled at Envy, still holding the end table in my hands.

Envy glared at me as he rubbed his shoulder. "You're gonna regret that, girl." He rushed at me. I raised the table, either to defend myself, or maybe to hit him, but his fist connected with my stomach and drove me back into the wall. I gasped in pain and accidentally dropped the table.

"Joey, no!" Ricky wheezed.

Envy grabbed my hair and yanked me forward. I saw one last shot to turn the tide and took it. I used that same momentum to throw myself forward, going for some sort of body slam maneuver. It worked, and I knocked us both to the ground.

It didn't last, though. Envy got his hand between us and shoved me off. I hit the ground at a fast roll, ramming into the side of the sofa. My poor injured head got another knock, and I cried out. Envy, meanwhile, got up, glaring at me. He reached down menacingly.

"Wait!" Ricky yelled. His voice sounded a lot less fearful, and had that stupid smug tone to it. It was enough to make Envy pause and look at him.

Ricky was standing upright, looking arrogant again. The skin of his neck was red, and would probably form bruises later, but he met Envy head on. "If you kill us, you'll never get back to where you belong!" he announced, like those words were the cure for cancer.

Envy and I both stared at him for a few moments. "Are you serious?" Envy finally said, sounding like he was about to laugh.

"Yes I am." Ricky held firm, though I could see his knees trembling. "If you hurt any of us anymore, you'll never get back home, ever. So you'd better quit, right now."

"You claim to know so much about me, yet you obviously don't realize that I don't respond well to threats," Envy said dangerously.

Ricky looked a little nervous, so I jumped in. "Then kill us," I said, sitting upright. Envy's gaze returned to me, and I saw Ricky giving me the same are-you-insane look I'd been giving him.

"Like I need your permission," Envy sneered.

"I mean it," I said, testing the back of my head. It stung when I touched it, so I pulled my hand away. "Kill us, right now. Then see how far you get in an unfamiliar world with no powers."

"I think I'd manage just fine," Envy said, sounding confident. But I saw—or maybe it was my imagination—a nervous dart of his eyes.

"Do you? Well then, give it a shot. But hey, do you know what a SWAT team is?" I asked him. "Or pepper spray? Tear gas? Beanbag bullets? Oh hey, do you know what lethal injection is?"

He glared at me.

"Go about things your usual destructive way, and you'll find out real quick. And without your fancy-schmancy powers to protect you from death and injury, I think you'll find out you're not as awesome as you think." I was swinging wildly into the dark at this point, hoping Envy didn't really take me up on my offer and kill us.

Envy examined me with eyes that made me flinch. "So what's your little proposal?" he finally said.

I heard Ricky breathe a sigh of relief, and then he took over. "Just stop destroying things, and we'll send you back," he said.

"Oh, I'm supposed to just believe you?" Envy snorted. "You two are the ones who strapped me to that chair, remember?"

"Yeah, but I don't want you here anymore than you do," I said, wincing as I stood up. My whole body felt like a giant bruise.

"So just stay calm, all right? And we promise we'll send you back," Ricky said.

"Or..." Envy said, with a sudden devilish glint in his eye.

I didn't like the sound of that "or", and started to back away from him. "Or what?" Ricky demanded.

"Or I can make you do what _I_ want," Envy finished.

"No you can't!" Ricky yelled.

"Can't I?" With a horrible grin, Envy suddenly took off. I stared after him in confusion, then noticed the look of horror on Ricky's face. "What?" I demanded.

"He's—he's going after Cassie!" Ricky exclaimed.

Oh no.

I grabbed the nearest thing that could be used as a weapon—which was a fallen floor lamp—and raced after Envy. I hadn't seen where Cassie had run to, but Envy might have. And—the realization hit me like a punch—if he had her in his clutches, I'd do anything to keep her safe. And he could probably tell. God, why?

"_Cassie_!" I yelled as I pursued Envy up the stairs. He was faster, and not injured, so he was already at the top before I'd even made it halfway. Ricky passed me on the stairs, and I moved over to give him room. With his long legs, he might make it in time.

"CASSIE! RUN!" Ricky was yelling.

I wouldn't let Envy get his hands on Cassie. I wouldn't. I'd kill him myself if I had to, some way. My determination held me up where my strength failed me, and I pounded up the stairs. I had just managed to reach the top when I heard the sound of a door slam. Had Cassie hidden herself well? Was Ricky there yet? Why couldn't I be faster!

"Oh, Cassie!" I heard Envy said in a singsong that chilled my bones. "Come out, come out!"

I didn't hesitate when I reached the hall and ran for Cassie's room. Before I got there, the door opened, and Envy stepped out. My heart sank, then leapt again as I saw he was alone.

"Stay away from Cassie!" I yelled at him, brandishing the lamp in his direction.

Suddenly, Cassie's door blew outward. No, really it was more slammed open. Startled, I jumped back and tripped, landing on my butt and dropping the lamp. My eyes were locked on Envy, who was catapulted across the room and slammed into the opposite wall.

Behind me, a door opened. "Joey!" Ricky exclaimed, running to my side. "Did you find—"

He choked on his last word, and my eyes got huge. Standing in Cassie's doorway, barely able to stand up straight, was none other than Alphonse Elric.

"Al?" Ricky squeaked.

Envy got up slowly, one hand braced against the wall, the other working his jaw back and forth. "That hurt," he gritted. He whirled around, angry, and seemed to pause for a moment when he saw Al.

"Oh my God," I breathed. Then a small movement caught my eye, and I turned to see Cassie hiding behind Al. "Cassie!" I exclaimed.

She turned and saw me, and then squirmed between Al's leg and the wall and rushed to me. Envy, seeing her, struck out a hand, lightning-fast, but Al was faster, and his huge metal arm slammed into Envy's stomach, throwing him to the end of the hall, where he slammed into the mirror mounted on the linen closet's door, cracking it.

Cassie threw herself into my arms, and I hugged her tightly. "Are you okay?" I asked immediately.

"Uh huh," she said, sounding like she had been crying.

Ricky put a hand on each of our shoulders. "Cass, what happened?" he asked.

"I ran when you said. I hid in my room. I heard Envy coming, and so I used that thing you were talking about—"

"You took the laptop?" Ricky exclaimed, at the exact same time I exclaimed, "You used the chainletter?"

"—and Al showed up in my room," Cassie finished, ignoring our interruptions.

A crash made us all look up. Al and Envy were duking it out at the end of the hall. I winced when a kick from Envy was deflected into the ceiling, causing a chunk of plaster to fall down. Then I remembered what a mess the living room was. How in the world would I be able to fix it before Mom came home?

"What are we gonna do?" Cassie asked.

"We're gonna send Envy back, that's what!" I said. "And this time, we'll do it _without_ typos!" I glared at Ricky as I said this, and he had the smarts to look embarrassed.

A snapping sounds and a yell made us look up again. Al had Envy in an armlock, and apparently Envy had broken something. Envy knelt on the floor, angry, but near immobilized by pain that wouldn't go away any time soon.

"Hold Cassie," I told Ricky, passing her off to him. He grabbed her as I stood up, wincing. "All right, Envy, knock it off! You lost, okay, so quit it before you break something else!"

"Don't order _me_ around!" Envy gritted out. I could see him really struggling with the pain.

Al looked up and saw me at that point. "Is this your house?" he asked politely.

"Um...yeah. Hi. Joey Jones. Ricky. Cassie." I pointed to them as I introduced them. "Sorry if you're a little confused. My sister, uh...summoned you to keep Envy from getting to her."

"Oh. I don't quite understand what's going on, though," Al said, not having to work much at all to restrain Envy.

"That's understandable. We'll explain in a sec, but first, we've gotta secure Envy somewhere," I said.

Al looked down at Envy, who was trying to break free without moving his broken arm, which seemed near impossible.

"But where?" Ricky asked.

I pressed my lips together. The basement was probably out, considering the state of the door. Any place with a window was way too risky.

"The guest bathroom," I announced.

* * *

Whoever built this house must have foreseen that we would need a safe area to lock a wounded Homunculus in, for he or she had made the downstairs bathroom with an outside lock. I thanked that person and everyone in their family for making this day a little easier for us.

Envy had been re-secured with all the rest of the duct tape in the house, this time wrapped around his body until he resembled a mummy, and then deposited in the tub. He glared up at me and Ricky as we visually examined his new prison to make sure it was Envy-proof. Cassie was outside the bathroom with Al, as far away from danger as she could get.

Me being the caring soul I am, I was nice enough to splint Envy's busted arm between two broken pieces of broomstick before we'd wrapped him up. I don't know why I did, but maybe it was some residual fangirliness or something. Envy, of course, didn't say thank you.

"You think you've won?" he instead sneered at me as I followed Ricky out.

"Hell no," I replied, "but we're heading in the right direction. Just sit tight and shut up already, and you'll be home in no time."

I heard him snort as I turned off the light, pulled the door closed and, with another wave of thankfulness to the house builders, turned the lock.

When I looked up, I found everyone looking at me expectantly. "What?" I demanded.

"You said you would explain what's going on," Al pointed out. Ricky and Cassie nodded like bobbleheads.

I sighed. Of course they would make _me _do the awkward explaining. "Well, um...how to explain it right..." I stalled.

"Just tell him the truth," Ricky said.

I could have happily punched him in the throat. That was the last thing I needed to do! Explaining to Alphonse Elric that his whole existence was fiction and we had randomly sucked him out of his world with the power of technology he didn't even know existed was a one-way ticket to Disaster Town. I tried to convey that to Ricky with my eyes, but I think I just gave him a death glare.

"Well, you see..." As I tried to think of a gentle way to break the truth to Al, a new thought came to me. What if by telling him all of this, I somehow messed up the show? There was a term for that..."spoiling" or something. Yeah, what if giving Al this information somehow changed him? I didn't really want to derail the show. Man, why did this have to happen to me?

"Ricky, get the laptop," I finally said, resigned.

Ricky went over to the couch and picked up the laptop, which he'd recovered from under Cassie's bed. He handed it to me with an air of solemnity, and I repressed an urge to do more physical harm to my brother.

Al watched the exchange, and he looked at the laptop now in my hands. "What's that?" he asked.

"It's a laptop," I told him. Inwardly, I hope he wouldn't ask too many questions, but that hope was quickly dashed.

"Which is...?"

I heaved a sigh. "Well, it's sort of a piece of technology that you wouldn't be familiar with."

"Was it made with alchemy?" Al went on, sounding interested.

That gave me an idea.

"Yes!" I exclaimed. Ricky stared at me, knowing I was fibbing, and I gave him a keep-your-mouth-shut look. "It was. With some...advanced alchemy. Like reeeally advanced. Like, beyond the scope of your imagination advanced—"

"Is that how you transported me here?" Al interrupted my tower of babble.

"Uh...yes!"

Ricky looked queasy.

"Wow," Al said. "I've never heard of alchemy that can move people from one area to another."

"It's, uh, experimental. We didn't know if it would work, so we were taking it slow. But my idiot brother listened to some other idiot on the internet and—"

"The in-ter-net?" Al repeated, sounding out the word like it was foreign.

_Oops._ "Uh, yeah, I'll explain that later. Anyway, Ricky the Dumba—" I paused, remembering Cassie's presence "—uh, Dummy, tried it out too soon and dragged Envy here. So, long story short, my sis Cassie summoned you to protect her from Envy, like we said before." This was brilliant! Now I wouldn't have to go into a long story about the Gate and technology and all that.

Al sounded stunned when he finally responded. "Wow, that's really amazing. I had heard that there were unusual types of alchemy, but nothing like this!"

"Yeah, well, you know how that is," I said with a nervous laugh, suddenly having a feeling of dread. I was starting to remember how Ed and Al studied alchemy like crazy and always wanted to know everything about it. It dawned on me then that maybe I hadn't picked the right idea. Ricky looked like he had come to the same conclusion, and had a worried expression on his face. Cassie just looked confused.

"Can I ask you some questions about it?" Al asked.

Damn.

* * *

Chizi: Well, Zilo ran off to work on TSGTM, so I'll send you all off. See you next time, and eat your veggies!


	4. The Phone Call That Changed Everything

Chizi: (holding bowl of chips) Oh hey, we're back!

Zilo: (bursts through the door) Sorry, everyone! I was working on 3 fics at once! I'm just glad I finished 2 of them up before July ended!

Chizi: No excuses!

Zilo: ... (smacks Chizi)

Chizi: OW!

Zilo: So, thanks to **Pumpkin2Face, Jibbette, Storm Uchiha, Mimtalind, wintermoon, SpIcYpEpPeR, alexthegreat, Yibbs, Azelf, Koinu-chan, TomatoLove, stabby things, Im-Right-Behind-You, **and **xdreamernumbuhfour **for reviewing! Here's the next chapter!

* * *

**4: The Phone Call That Changed Everything**  
_In which lies are applied liberally_

Al sounded stunned when he finally responded. "Wow, that's really amazing. I had heard that there were unusual types of alchemy, but nothing like this!"

"Yeah, well, you know how that is," I said with a nervous laugh, suddenly having a feeling of dread. I was starting to remember how Ed and Al studied alchemy like crazy and always wanted to know everything about it. It dawned on me then that maybe I hadn't picked the right idea. Ricky looked like he had come to the same conclusion, and had a worried expression on his face. Cassie just looked confused.

"Can I ask you some questions about it?" Al asked.

Damn.

"Uh, w-well, you see, I don't know a whole lot about it myself. I'm—I mean, _we're_—all just assistants. Our mother is the one who came up with it," I quickly covered. I couldn't believe how amazingly quick my lying skills were. If this actually worked out, maybe I should become an actress.

"Can I talk to her?" Al asked.

"She's out of town!" Ricky jumped in. He gave me a "way to go" look that may or may not have been sarcastic. "For the next week. Sorry."

Al looked from Ricky to me and back. "I see..." he said, sounding a little disappointed. I felt a wave of guilt for some reason.

"Some things are not meant to be known," Cassie suddenly announced, sounding like some mystical monk. When we all stared at her, she tugged on one of her curls and then said, "I'm hungry. Can we eat?"

"Uh...sure..." I said slowly, a little lost.

Cassie happily headed to the kitchen, having apparently forgotten the presence of a wounded, homicidal Homunculus locked in our guest bathroom. Sometimes, being six sounds like a dream. I followed her, slowly readjusting my brain to "make lunch". It was difficult, considering we had to pass through the war zone formerly known as our living room.

Ricky caught up to me. "What do we do?" he asked in a low voice. "How do we keep Al from asking more questions?"

"You're asking me?" I shot back. "This is all _your_ doing, remember? Why don't _you_ figure it out?" I was, admittedly, a little mad at him.

Ricky looked hurt, so I turned away and stalked into the kitchen. Cassie held up the ingredients for ham and cheese sandwiches, and I took them over to the counter and started opening containers.

Behind me, I heard the sounds of Ricky and Cassie planting themselves on the high stools at the breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the living room. Then, that familiar sound of Al's metal feet hitting the floor as he entered the kitchen.

"Where should Al sit?" Cassie piped up. There were only two chairs at the breakfast bar.

"I'll just sit here," Al said. It sounded like he pulled a chair out from under the dining room table.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Mommy says I'm supposed to use please and thank you, so thank you for saving me from Envy," Cassie said.

"Oh, of course!" Al said. Then, "If you don't mind me asking, why was he attacking you in the first place?"

"He probably wants to go home," Cassie commented.

I, who was on my third sandwich, stiffened.

"Why did you transport _him_ here anyway? He's dangerous," Al said.

"Uh, well—" Ricky stalled.

I piled the five sandwiches I had made onto one plate and carried it over to the breakfast bar. "Eat and be merry," I said, plunking the plate down in front of my siblings. Then, turning to Al, I said, "Ricky's a stupid teenager, so of course he'd do something reckless like bring a Homunculus into our home." Ricky half-glared at me over the sandwich he was devouring.

"That reminds me..." Al said, and I tensed in anticipation of more difficult questions. "How do you guys know about Homunculi anyway?"

"Uh, we read a lot," I hedged.

"Well, sure, but you guys seemed to know that's what Envy is. You weren't surprised?" Al asked.

"Uh...sure we were! Nobody believes in Homunculi! Ahahaha!" I laughed nervously, my laugh sounding half-hysterical and half-evil.

If Al could have raised an eyebrow at me, he probably would have done so then.

"It was just a big mistake," Ricky spoke up. "I wanted to prove Homunculi were real, so I transported one here." He shot me a look, to remind me to go along with his story. I rolled my eyes in response. I'd been the one making things up on the spot here; he didn't have to tell me that.

"Hmm," Al said.

There were a few moments' silence as Ricky, Cassie and I ate our sandwiches, and Al apparently considered the bouquet of lies we'd presented him.

"Well, I guess I couldn't wait around for your mother to come back and ask her about your alchemy, so maybe I should just see about getting myself home. Do you have a telephone I can use?" Al finally asked.

Ricky and I both choked on our sandwiches. Cassie gave us a look as though she was concerned about our physical and mental health at the same time. Ricky recovered first, beating his chest with a fist. "Um, I don't think that'll really work," he wheezed.

"What do you mean? You don't have a phone?" Al said.

"Well, yeah—I mean, no. I mean...it's just, uh..."

"We haven't paid our phone bill," I managed.

"Yeah! Because we...used all our money on alchemy research!" Ricky exclaimed. Occasionally he thinks quickly.

I got up to get a drink of water, still coughing a little. "Oh," Al said, sounding surprised. "You guys must be really dedicated then."

"Yeah, that's us," Ricky said cheerfully.

"Well, I have to get in touch with my brother somehow. Do you guys know where I could find a phone booth?" Al asked as he stood up.

"Don't leave the house!" Ricky yelled suddenly, almost making me drop my water.

Al started also. "But...why?"

"He just means that we'll transport you back is all," I quickly jumped in, "so don't go wandering off, okay?"

Slowly, Al sat back down, but I had the feeling that the blank look he gave us was filled to the brim with suspicion. "Okay..." he said, in that I-bet-you-freaks-are-hiding-something-but-for-now-I'll-pretend-I-don't-notice tone.

And then, at the worst possible moment in the history of anything ever, the phone rang.

Everyone froze. Al's head slowly turned to me and Ricky. Cassie even stopped chewing, sensing the tension.

"…I'll get it," I finally said. I made a break for it out of the kitchen, wanting to escape Al's no doubt accusing glare. I snatched the wall phone off its hook before it rang for the fourth time. "Hello?"

_"Hey, Joey, it's me. Just got off the plane."_

"Oh, hi, Mom," I said, glancing quickly at my wristwatch. It was almost five o'clock. Where had the time gone?

Everyone in the kitchen perked up when I revealed it was Mom. I gripped the receiver with both hands and turned my back to them all. _"I know you're probably thinking I'm being a worrywart, but I just wanted to check on you guys,"_ Mom was saying.

"Oh, uh, no. You're not a worrywart. We're all fine—in fact, we're eating a nice hearty meal right now," I said.

_"Good. Did you get Cassie from school on time?"_

"Yep," I lied.

_"That's my girl."_ I could hear the smile in Mom's voice, and my insides clenched guiltily. _"I know you remember the rules, so I won't quote them again. Just make sure you keep your brother and sister out of trouble."_

"Oh, definitely," I lied again, pretending I didn't notice the chaos around me.

There was a tug on my shirt, and I looked down to see Cassie at my side. As if on cue, Mom said, _"Now could you put Cassie on the phone? She probably misses me already."_

"Uh, sure, no problem." I covered the phone with my hand, and gave Cassie an urgent look. "Okay, listen, Cass, when you talk to Mom, don't say anything to her about this, okay? We don't want her getting all upset."

"Okay," Cassie said, reaching for the phone. I let her take it, hoping she would listen to me.

"Mommy?" Cassie said into the phone. She listened, then smiled. "Yes, Mommy. Joey picked me up on time."

Bribing children with Starbucks is a totally good thing.

"Okay. Okay, I won't. I will, Mommy. I always clean my room. Okay. Yes, Mommy."

So far, so good. Ricky had joined us now, and I gave him a thumbs-up.

"Okay. Um…does it cost a lot of money to fix broken things?"

My thumb dropped so fast it was practically a world record.

"'Why'? Well…" Cassie paused, looking up at me. I quickly took the phone from her. "Mom? She's just saying that because Natasha's mom broke a chair or something," I lied again.

_"Hmm…" _Mom said.

I gulped. She said that when she wasn't buying one of my latest stories.

_"Let me talk to Ricky,"_ she said.

Oh crap. I handed the phone off to Ricky, giving him a "watch what you say" glare. He rolled his eyes at me as he took the phone. "Hello? No, Mom, everything's cool. Listen, I can tell you what happened. Cassie was playing at her friend Natasha's house, and—well, yeah. No, everything's cool here, Mom, honest."

_Tromp. Tromp. Tromp._

I turned around to find Al walking up to us. Just what we needed: two people questioning us at once. On his way over, though, his foot accidentally hit a bent and partially broken lamp stand, which then fell over with a loud clatter and became entirely broken.

"Huh? 'What was that'? Just the TV. We're watching TV with dinner. Oh, uh…you didn't hear it because Joey muted it to answer the phone," Ricky quickly covered.

I rubbed my temples. This was spiraling out of control.

"I thought you said your phone wasn't working?" Al said, sounding suspicious again.

"Well, uh…" I stalled, trying to come up with a plausible answer.

"Yeah, no problem, Mom." Ricky turned to me, holding out the phone. "Here."

I took it, turning away from Al again. "Mom?"

_"No TV with dinner, okay? You guys can have some stimulating conversation."_

"Uh…sure," I agreed.

_"Oh, there's a taxi. I'll call you guys tomorrow, all right? Be good!"_

"We will. Bye, Mom." With relief, I hung the phone back up and turned.

Al now had his arms crossed. "I think you have some explaining to do," he said.

Cassie, sensing possible yelling, hid behind my side. Ricky and I exchanged a glance, and both of us gulped in unison.

"Why did you lie about your phone? Why is it you don't want me contacting Brother?" His voice was stern.

"W-Well…" I started, stalling for time to come up with something.

"In fact, there are a lot of strange things going on here. Some of those appliances don't look right. And that oven you guys have—Winry was working on the protoype herself, but she hasn't released it to the public yet," Al went on.

"Well, all great inventors have someone else working on the same thing. The ones in the history books are just the ones who got to the patent office first," Ricky said defiantly.

"Fine. That still doesn't explain why you're trying to keep me here. I really don't want to hurt any of you, but if you're trying to keep me away from Brother…" Al said warningly.

"No! No, it's nothing like that! Believe me, we want to reunite you with your brother and your friends as much as you do, _and_ get that psycho Homunculus out of our house," I insisted.

"Then why did you lie?" Al demanded.

"Wel—because—um—" I stammered. My mind had run out of lies.

"It's just—the circumstances are difficult to explain," Ricky squeaked.

"Well try!" Al snapped.

We both jumped, not used to hearing an angry tone from nice, polite Al. He must be really mad at us. I could feel my don't-you-yell-at-me-you-bastard tears wanting to form, but I ignored them.

And then, Cassie ducked under my arm and stood in front of us, arms spread out to the side as if shielding us from an onslaught of bullets. "Don't yell at Joey and Ricky, you meany!" she shouted up at Al.

Al seemed startled, his crossed arms dropping.

I wanted to give Cassie a million dollars for standing up to us. "It's okay, Cassie," I said instead, putting my hands on her shoulders.

Cassie pulled away, angry at Al. "You leave them alone! I'll show _you_!" She went around him and raced into the living room.

We all stared after her. I turned back to Al. "Look," I said, "I'm sorry that we lied to you. A lot. But we can't tell you what's really going on. It's totally insane, you'd never believe us, and it's probably just a bad idea. So, again, sorry for the lying, but it would really help if you didn't ask a bunch of questions and just let us send you back, okay?" I hoped my honesty and pleading would do the trick and get him off our backs.

Al examined me, then sighed. "You could have said that from the beginning," he said.

"But we'd have sounded crazy, right?" Ricky jumped in.

"We just wanted to avoid…well, _this_, you asking questions and us stammering like morons," I added.

"Well, I guess, but at the rate you guys were going, you should have known something would trip you up. Keeping up a bunch of lies is really difficult," Al lectured.

I felt like a preschooler caught with my hand in the cookie jar. And my pants down. "Yeah, we know," I said abruptly. "Look, can we just start over? We promise we'll get you back home with your brother as soon as we can, okay?"

Al thought for a moment. I shot a glance at Ricky, who looked nervous.

"All right. But no more lying, okay? Just be honest if you're having a hard time explaining something," Al said.

"That's probably going to happen a lot," Ricky grumbled.

I elbowed him.

"So…was all of it a lie? It's not really a new alchemy you guys used?" Al asked.

I felt guilty. "Um…no, sorry. There's no good way to explain it, so I thought I'd use a term you'd be familiar with."

"Oh," Al said, sounding disappointed. I figured it was because he missed out on learning something new about alchemy, and felt even worse.

Cassie finally came back at that point. I turned to her. "Well, let's go finish lu—" and completely choked when I realized she was holding the laptop.

"Cass? What did you do?" Ricky said in his Armageddon tone.

Cassie's lower lip poked out stubbornly.

"Did you summon somebody?" I questioned her in my Mom tone.

"Yes," she pouted.

"_Who_?" Ricky and I demanded in our respective tones.

Cassie pointed at Al. "It's his fault for yelling," she insisted.

"My fault?" Al repeated, sounding confused.

Ricky looked confused too, but I got it. And my face must have been pale and fearful, because Ricky rounded on me. "What? What is it?" he demanded.

"We've gotta reverse it! Can we reverse it?" I yelled at him instead.

"What? No, no, once it starts it has to finish. She said so," Ricky said. I assumed that "she" was that bitch EdwardsWife, whom I intended to hunt down and punch in the throat. After I'd murdered Ricky, of course.

"Oh, God," I groaned, sinking down to sit crosslegged on the floor. Like a trained cat, Cassie came over and sat next to me, putting her head on my leg. I took the laptop from her, feeling a desire to throw it at somebody, but instead closed it.

"What? _What_?" Ricky said, sounding exasperated.

"Cassie, when did you even learn to use the stupid chain letter?" I asked.

"Ricky showed me," Cassie said, looking at me upside down.

"Oh, yeah, I did," Ricky said, sounding as if he were just remembering.

I shot him a death glare. "Do you know I now have eight reasons to kill you?" I growled at him.

"Um, what exactly is going on?" Al asked.

Before I could look up to tell him, the power went out.

"Damn. Here he comes," I sighed.

Ricky finally seemed to get it, because his face looked like a mixture of excitement and concern. "You mean—"

"Don't get all fanboy happy, all right? He's probably going to start hitting people," I snapped.

"He's not _that_ volatile," Ricky said.

"Yeah, well, there's at least going to be a lot of yelling, and 'what the hell's, and so on."

"Wait…are you guys talking about Brother?" Al asked.

"Yeah," Ricky and I said in unison.

Then, the air next to us started to shimmer. We all stared, me fascinated at actually seeing a summoning firsthand, but also dreading the aftermath. A blurry shape appeared in the shimmering air, and we could already see the distinctive red and black. Cassie sat up.

"Brother!" Al exclaimed.

The shimmering air stilled, and before us stood the figure of the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric, holding a plate of food and looking very confused.

_God, I know I haven't paid you a lot of attention lately, but please, let my family survive today. I'd really appreciate it. If we're all alive later I promise I'll start tithing or something, okay?_

"What the…hell?" were Edward's first words.

* * *

Chizi: If that's not a cliffhanger, I don't know what is!

Zilo: Obviously you haven't read any of my other fics, then.

Chizi: Oh yeah...you're addicted to those, aren't you?

Zilo: (nods)

Chizi: Well, see you all next time!


	5. Inconsistency

Zilo: I'm back from staycay!

Chizi: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Zilo: Staycation…like I just said…

Chizi: Oh. Well, thanks to **Furorensu-chan, peppaminty, wintermoon, Megan May, shadowdice, Just Leah, Jibbette, x sematic-Shrooms, Azelf, Hell-bound-Bitch-Triss L Oddy, Storm Uchiha, xdreamernumbuhfour, Pumpkin2Face, GhostHoundFanGirl, Koinu-chan, **and **MochaLulu **for reviewing.

Zilo: And here's the next chapter! Woo!

* * *

_Rating raised for language. Doggone it, Chizi!_

* * *

**5: Inconsistency**  
_In which Ed breaks the rules_

Then, the air next to us started to shimmer. We all stared, me fascinated at actually seeing a summoning firsthand, but also dreading the aftermath. A blurry shape appeared in the glimmering air, and we could already see the distinctive red and black. Cassie sat up.

"Brother!" Al exclaimed.

The sparkly quality of the air dimmed, and before us stood the figure of the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric, holding a plate of food and looking very confused.

_God, I know I haven't paid you a lot of attention lately, but please, let my family survive today. I'd really appreciate it. If we're all alive later I promise I'll start tithing or something, okay?_

"What the…hell?" were Edward's first words.

Ricky and I exchanged another worried look. Al had been a little easier to keep calm, mostly because he was so nice. But Ed was a force to be reckoned with. What if he demanded answers and started yelling and screaming? No doubt one of our neighbors would call the police.

Ricky made head motions, telling me to sacrifice myself and talk to Ed first. I brandished my fist at him, then turned to face Ed.

"Brother, you're here!" Al was saying.

Ed turned to Al, holding a fork in mid-air. "Al? What, uh…" He started looking around. I tried to think of what he was seeing: a seemingly normal living room, with all the furniture in a broken disarray. His eyes finally landed on me and my siblings, and his expression became more confused.

"Uh…hi," I said, offering a little wave.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked.

"Hey, watch it, there's a child present," I automatically shot back. Next to me, I could practically hear Ricky's eyes rolling. Well, yeah, I swear in front of Cassie sometimes, but I'm trying to quit, honest.

"What's going on?" was Ed's next question.

"Well, uh…" I began slowly. Of course I wasn't going to throw my little sister under the bus, but I couldn't weave a great tablecloth of lace-lined lies after promising Al I wouldn't.

"My head hurts," Cassie said to me.

I looked down at her to see that she had one of her little hands pressed to her temple. "Did you bump it?" I asked her.

She shook her head, and her face scrunched a little. "It really hurts," she said.

"Oi. Ricky, go break out the kiddie aspirin," I said.

"Okay, but, uh, what about—"

"Go on." I made shooing gestures. "I'll take care of this, like I always do."

Ricky shot me a look, but turned and went into the kitchen. Cassie followed him, shooting a glance back over her shoulder at Ed and Al

I turned back again to see Al talking to Ed. "…just stay calm. I don't think they mean any harm," he was saying.

"Stay calm? About what?" Ed wanted to know. "One second I was eating dinner, and the next I'm here! Where is this place?"

"Well…" Al began, then paused. He turned to me, and Ed's gaze soon followed. "You never _did _explain where we are," Al said to me.

Oh great. I heaved a sigh upwards, briefly lifting a few strands of my hair on the air current. "Well, that's one of those things that I said would be hard to explain," I began slowly.

"My head's okay now!" Cassie yelled from the kitchen.

"Great!" I yelled back absently. I chewed on my lower lip as I tried to think of how to explain this.

"Listen," I finally said. "For now, the main thing we wanna do is send all of you guys home as soon as possible. And, um, right now isn't the best time to be asking a bunch of questions. It'll just get you a bunch of panicked looks and no answers. So, if you guys will just promise to stop asking where you are and what is this and what year it is and all that—"

"What _year _it is?" Ed repeated.

Whoops. "Just don't ask questions, okay?" I snapped.

"Like hell I won't! You can't just drop us into some suspicious situation and expect us to sit around without knowing what's going on!" Ed snapped back.

"Look, you'll just have to trust me on this one. It's better if you don't know!"

"_Trust_ you! I don't even _know_ you!"

This was going nowhere fast. I was starting to get a headache. Maybe _I _was the one who needed aspirin. If this didn't stop soon, my legendary temper was going to explode all over the place, and that was the last thing we needed.

"Uh…Joey?" Ricky's nervous voice came from the kitchen.

"WHAT?" I demanded, already worked up.

"There's a problem…"

I put my face in my hands. Not now. The last thing we needed—next to my aforementioned explosion—was more problems. "What is it?" I asked.

"The chainletter's, like…broken," he replied, hesitantly.

I whirled around. "_Broken_?" I repeated, running into the kitchen. "What do you mean?"

Ricky was sitting at the kitchen table, the laptop open in front of him. Cassie sat in the chair next to him, aimlessly swinging her free-hanging feet. I went around to look at the laptop's screen over Ricky's shoulder.

"See?" Ricky said.

I swallowed, trying to understand what I was looking at.

_Return Form ERROR_  
_Character: ERROR  
Anime: ERROR  
__Version: ERROR_

_Error 14.5: unauthorized access.  
unauthorized access.  
system disabled.  
backup files transferred._

"What the hell did you do?" I demanded.

"Nothing! I just opened it up now and it looked like this," Ricky said.

I took a few deep breaths, resisting the urge to hit my brother. "Okay. Can you pull up an earlier version or something?"

"I can try," Ricky said. He backed through a couple of screens and pulled up the original e-mail. When he tried to click on the "read e-mail" button, however, the screen froze.

"Ah, come on," Ricky urged the computer, jiggling the mouse. My hands clenched into fists at the thought of another delay. Cassie peered around Ricky's other side.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Ed and Al had come to the kitchen entrance and were watching us, but I didn't pay any attention to them at the moment. "Restart the computer," I suggested.

Ricky hit Ctrl-Alt-Del in quick succession, but nothing happened. He tried the Escape key, and then pressed random keys, but the laptop seemed to be truly frozen.

"It's not working," he said, a note of fear in his voice.

"Oh, God, this can't be happening. Ricky, I don't care what you do, get that damn thing working!" I half-yelled at him.

"I'm trying!" Ricky exclaimed.

"Can we help?" Al asked suddenly.

We all looked up, startled. Al and Ed were still in the entrance to the kitchen, with Al bent over a little to avoid hitting his head on the ceiling, and Ed's arms crossed and a thoughtful frown on his face. "…What?" I finally said.

"We can tell you guys are a little frustrated with something, though we don't exactly know what. Maybe we can fix it for you with alchemy," Al offered.

My face drained of all color. Oh no. Oh nonononono. What would they do when they found out alchemy doesn't work here? What would we say?

"Oh, no, we're fine," Ricky said hastily.

"Thanks though," I added just as hastily.

"But…" Al began.

"We're fine!" Ricky insisted, jumping up. He jumped a little too fast, though, and his hand knocked a mug off the table. It hit the tiled floor with a spectacular (for a mug, anyway) crash.

The five of us stared at the mug silently. "Mommy's mug…" Cassie said. Sure enough, it was Mom's favorite coffee mug, the pink one with "WORLD'S COOLEST MOM" on it in big black letters. Cassie had bought it for her, after six months of earning money by doing chores for me and Ricky.

"Ricky, you _idiot_," I couldn't help saying.

"I didn't mean it!" Ricky exclaimed, his voice cracking a little.

Cassie got out of her chair and went over to where what remained of the mug had landed. "Mommy's mug is broke…" she said, tears starting to fill her eyes.

"God, you wanna screw up anything else today? Wanna go for the world record of fu—fudge-ups?" I yelled at Ricky.

"I said I didn't mean it!" Ricky shouted back at me.

"Calm down, will you?" I heard Ed say. I turned around to see that he had knelt down next to the pile of mug. "It's easy to fix." He clapped his hands.

"No, wait!" Ricky and I exclaimed in unison. If Ed tried to do alchemy, he'd see it fail, and then we'd never be able to explain it.

Ed's fingertips touched the edge of the pile. I felt a wave of dread. But then, to my utter astonishment, the pile began to glow a radiant blue, and a strange wind kicked up. My eyes had to be as huge as saucers, and when I looked at Ricky, I saw that he had a similar expression on his face.

The wind and glow died down, and instead of a pile of pink ceramic, there was a perfect WORLD'S COOLEST MOM mug sitting on the floor. It looked perfect, like nothing had happened to it.

"You fixed it!" Cassie cheered. She reached down and picked up the mug, hugging it to her chest.

"No sweat," Ed said with a grin, the first one he'd had since he arrived in our house.

"You…you really fixed it…" I said faintly.

"Of course," Al said, coming fully into the kitchen so he could stand upright.

"Something like a mug is kid's stuff," Ed said as he stood up, a hint of smugness in his tone.

"But…how…?" Ricky said faintly.

"What do you mean?" Al asked.

Ricky seemed to realize what he'd just said. "Well, I, uh—"

"He's never seen alchemy in person before," I jumped in, which was entirely true. "None of us have. It looked…well, awesome." That was also true.

Ed looked a little pleased at our awe. "Alchemy _is _pretty cool, isn't it?" he said.

The three of us Jones kids nodded like bobbleheads. Cassie was starting to get a worshipful look in her eye as she gazed at Ed.

_This is so crazy. How is it Envy couldn't use his powers, but Ed could? Is Ed just that awesome or something? _I needed investigation.

But first…an idea had just popped into my head.

"Hey, uh, you saw the condition the living room was in, right?" I asked Ed.

* * *

7PM. Dinner time. Things had calmed down, at least a little. The living room looked perfect—all the broken and dented furniture was completely back to normal, and everything was back in its place. The basement door was fixed, and the chair Envy had broken repaired to its former glory and stashed in the living room.

I had escaped into the kitchen, and was now busily making dinner. Ricky had escaped to his room with the laptop, and was trying to figure out how to get an uncorrupted chain letter, or at least that's what he said he was doing. Cassie had her last load of homework dutifully spread out in front of her at the dining room table, but she seemed more interested in watching Ed, who sat across the table from her but had his chair pointed in my direction. Al sat next to him.

I can't tell you how utterly strange it was to have Edward and Alphonse Elric in my kitchen. Every time I found myself looking back over my shoulder, they were still there. It was like I had to check every few seconds to make sure I wasn't dreaming or hallucinating.

"So you're the oldest?" Al asked me.

"Yep," I replied, looking over my shoulder again. Ed and Al were still there, all right. I returned to the boiling pot of pasta and pan of sautéing chicken I was slaving over. "Taking care of those two knuckleheads is a full-time job sometimes."

"Hey!" Cassie said indignantly.

"Well, you're all right," I told her.

"How old are you?" Al asked.

"Just turned 18," I said.

Ed, who was taking a drink of the Kool-Aid I'd nicely offered him, seemed to choke for a moment. "What? _18_?" he repeated.

"Uh, yeah, why?" I asked, glancing back again.

Ed firmly set down his glass and stood up. I turned back to tend the food, assuming he was going to get more Kool-Aid to replace what he splashed onto the table. Imagine my surprise when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I was turned roughly around. A piece of chicken nearly flew off my spearing fork.

"Hey! Wha—"

I stopped when I realized it was Ed. He had a calculating look on his face. His free hand came up, held straight and flat, and for a second I thought he was going to karate-chop me in the face. Instead, he held the side of his hand at a little above my forehead. Then he moved his hand so it hovered at the top of his head.

"What the hell are you doing? I mean heck?" I asked him.

A grin spread across his face. It looked a little evil. "You're almost the same height as me," he said.

"And?" I prompted, pulling my shoulder free of his hand and going back to the chicken.

"Brother," Al sighed from the table.

"Joey's short for her age," Cassie piped up.

My eyebrow twitched. "Cassie, I thought we talked about you telling people random facts about me…" I said.

Cassie giggled. "Sorry, Joey."

"But what about your brother? He's a giant," Ed pointed out.

"I dunno. Everybody in my family's a giant. It's kinda unfair," I said, turning off the burner under the pasta.

"Tell me about it," Ed said. I heard his chair scrape, and when I looked over my shoulder again, he had sat back down and was finishing off his Kool-Aid.

I turned back to the chicken, absently flipping it. It was still amazing that this was actually happening. What was ever crazier was the inconsistency. Envy's powers were cancelled out, but Ed's weren't. Why was that? How did it make any sense? Well, none of this made sense, really, but even in its non-sense-making, there should still be rules, right?

"Okay, dinner in a few. Cassie, go collect Ricky, would you?" I said.

"Okay." I heard Cassie's chair scrape, and then her footsteps as she skipped out of the room.

For a few moments, there weren't any sounds except me putting the finishing touches on dinner and pulling out plates and utensils. Then Al spoke. "So your brother Ricky is still working on that…lap-top thing, right?"

"Yeah," I said, with another quick glance over my shoulder.

"What does that thing do, anyway?" Ed asked.

"Ummm…" I concentrated on carrying the stack of plates and utensils to the table and setting them down. Then I mustered my courage and looked up at them. "Well, its…sort of an advanced piece of technology."

"What's 'advanced piece of technology' supposed to mean?" was Ed's next question.

It looked like it was interrogation time. "It means it's something you're not familiar with. But, basically…it's what's responsible for you all being here. Some kinda problem came up, but we're working on fixing it so we can get you guys home."

"Hmm," Ed said.

"And whatever's wrong with it can't be fixed with alchemy?" Al asked.

"Um, I don't think so. You've gotta know the components of whatever it is you're transmuting, right?" I said.

They nodded.

"Yeah, so that wouldn't work. Thanks for the offer, though."

Ed downed the last of his Kool-Aid and set the glass down. "Okay, so maybe we can't use alchemy. But we could probably figure out this…_whatever_ the hell is going on, by working together. But we can't _do _that unless you tell us what's really going on around here."

I bit my lip. That was true. It didn't seem like Ricky and I were doing too well on our own with this thing. But telling Ed and Al the truth just seemed like a bad idea. I mean, who was to say they would believe me? And if they did, well, that meant a whole new set of questions.

On the other hand, if I didn't explain this to them, they might look for information elsewhere. And if they left the house…well, it would probably be whatever is about ten levels above culture shock. Maybe it was better if I handled this.

Slowly, I sat down across from them. "Okay," I finally said. "But, trust me, it's going to sound totally crazy. You might not believe me. And even if you do…well, it's kinda shocking, you know?"

"We can handle it. Just tell us," Al encouraged me.

I blew out a breath of air. It was like my friend Ike says sometimes: there was nothing to it but to just do it. "All right, then, I'm just gonna say it, and you take it how you want. Okay?"

They nodded.

"Okay." I'll admit, I was stalling a little; I just didn't know how to approach this situation properly. "Okay," I said, again. "Here's the deal. We're, um, this is actually—"

A weird crashing noise made me look up towards the ceiling. It sounded like it had come from Ricky's room. "The hell was that?" I wondered aloud, getting out of my chair.

"Sounded like someone fell on the floor," Ed said.

"He better not have broken his leg or something stupid like that," I grumbled as I headed towards the stairs. Maybe whatever it was he was doing had something to with the chain letter, like him throwing the laptop to the floor in frustration or something.

I was halfway up the stairs when I heard the sound of a door slamming, followed by running feet. I paused, having a sudden feeling of—well, I couldn't quite describe it. It was like I knew what was about to happen, even though I didn't really.

Nevertheless, I kept climbing the stairs, and had made it two-thirds of the way when Ricky appeared at the top, the laptop under one arm, and Cassie under the other. He had a look of terror on his face. The indescribable feeling got worse.

"Ricky? What—" I started to say.

"Run!" he yelled. "_Run_!"

My breath caught in my throat. I started to move up towards him again, when he threw a look over his shoulder—and gasped. He literally threw himself at the stairs.

But he wasn't fast enough.

A long, dark projectile whizzed through the air, and I watched in horror as it quickly stabbed into and withdrew from my brother's shoulder. I heard him let out a strangled "Guh!" and my arms automatically shot out to catch him as he fell. He landed heavily on me, knocking the three of us backwards. I felt us falling, but my eyes were pinned to the top of the stairs, knowing who would appear but hoping and praying I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I was right. Like a nightmare, Lust appeared at the top of the stairs, the nails on her right hand partially extended. Even as we fell, I locked eyes with her. Those were some cold eyes. She looked…frustrated, maybe, as she raised her nails and pointed them in our direction.

_Nononoshitshitshit nononodamndamndamn__, _I was thinking.

There was a sharp clap behind us, and before I knew it, the stairs had taken on a blue glow and were rapidly changing shape. Lust's nails shot towards us, but sections of the stairs twisted themselves into tendrils and wrapped around her nails with lightning speed, stopping them in mid-air.

It was Ed. It was Ed!

Even though Ed had stopped Lust from shishkabobing us to death, we were still falling. But then there was another flash of blue light and a rush of wind, and I felt my back hit something soft. Having Ricky, Cassie, and the laptop land on top of me turned my sigh of relief into an "Oof!" of pain.

I felt Cassie's arms wrap around one of mine, and was relieved she seemed to be okay. After a moment, I started to shove at Ricky. "Geddoffgeddoffgeddoff!" I wheezed.

It wasn't until Ricky let out a yelp of pain that I remembered his shoulder injury. "Oh God I'm sorry!" I wheezed instead.

"No…it's okay…aghh!" he cried out, clutching his shoulder. Now that it was only a few inches from my face, I could see that Ricky's injury was fortunately just a flesh wound, and hadn't actually gone straight through his shoulder. It probably still hurt like hell, though.

Somewhere near us, I heard what had to be the sounds of Ed and Lust duking it out. I knew we needed to get clear of the action, but Cassie had turned into a deadweight hanging off my arm, and Ricky was making all sorts of faces as he held his shoulder.

This was even worse. Now Lust was here, and she had all of her powers. What else could go wrong?

"All right, guys, we have to get to safety," I wheezed, trying to squirm out from underneath my siblings. Ricky finally rolled off me, but not without another yelp. Now free, I flipped over so I could better survey what was going on.

Ed and Lust seemed to be having a brief standoff. A wound on Lust's neck was rapidly healing, and Ed had a few holes in his coat, but seemed to be all right. He'd transmuted his customary automail blade, and she had the nails on both hands withdrawn for the moment. Al was motioning to us to come over to where he was, in the relative safety of the living room entrance.

"So this is where you got to, Fullmetal," Lust said in her smooth voice.

"That's right. You miss me?" Ed shot back.

"Let's get over to Al while they're doing their bantering thing," I whispered to my brother and sister.

"What's bantering?" Cassie whispered back.

"Ghhhck, my shoulder hurts," Ricky said through gritted teeth.

"Then don't jostle it. Come on, let's move it," I said firmly.

I slid to the edge of the alchemized thing that had saved me—which turned out to be a combination of the stair railing and a couch cushion—and peered over it. Normally the stairs would have been right below us, but all the steps had been transmuted into something else, so there was only what looked like a thin wooden border a few feet below. I braced myself, and pushed off the platform.

I landed on my feet and bent my knees, like I was a good little freerunner, and then twisted around. The platform was just over my head. Cassie and Ricky peered down at me. I held up my arms, and Cassie slid over the edge and landed in them. I set her down safely, and then we looked up at Ricky.

"Maybe with the right incentives I'll get some answers about what you're doing around here," Lust was saying.

Ricky dangled his legs over the edge, looking nervous. I motioned for him to come down. He pushed off the platform, finally. I reached out to steady him as he landed with bent knees, a look of pain flashing over his face. Cassie was clinging to my side again.

"Don't think about trying anything," Ed was warning Lust.

"You mean like this?" I could hear the smile in Lust's voice, and I whipped around. Her hand came up—pointed in our direction. Automatically I shoved Cassie and Joey behind me, ignoring Ricky's gritted "Ow!"

I wasn't a moment too soon. Lust's nail shot out, and I thought for sure we were toast. But then they stopped. I froze. Her middle nail was about four millimeters away from my forehead. The other four surrounded the three of us, forcing us into a terrified single-file line.

"No, don't!" Al cried.

"They'll have nothing to worry about, so long as you explain what's going on," Lust said. "Envy came after you two and never returned. What did you do with him? And where is this place?"

"We don't know!" Ed burst out.

Lust's eyes narrowed. The nail pointed at my forehead shifted towards my eye. Oh God, she was going to turn me into a pirate.

"No, we don't, honest!" Al insisted.

"Oh, really?" Lust said, sounding skeptical.

My eldest sibling senses were tingling again. I had the feeling I would have to speak up. I didn't want to. I wanted to wake up and realize this was all a stupid dream brought on by my anime addictions. But it was real, Ricky was really hurt, and Lust was really here ready to murder us all. I _had _to say something.

"Listen," I managed to say, drawing Lust's gaze. "Put your, uh, nails down, and I'll explain everything."

"_You_?" Lust repeated.

I have to admit, her tone of incredulity made me a little angry, which lessened my fear. "Yes, _me_," I snapped. "I'm the one with the answers, you—" I managed to stop myself from insulting her just in time. "Look. If you wanna know what's going on, you can just _ask_, instead of threatening people's lives, all right?"

"Oh really?" Lust said, but she at least seemed to be listening.

"Yes. So withdraw these damn things, and I'll tell you what's going on. Or you can just go stabbing away, and you'll be stuck here forever."

There were several moments' silence as Lust digested this. Ed and Al both looked as tense as I felt as we waited for her decision.

Finally, Lust withdrew four of her nails. The one pointed at my eye remained. I felt a small wave of relief. "I'm willing to listen, but if Fullmetal tries anything, you pay the price," she told me.

"Fine," I said, making myself sound more assured than I felt. "Ricky, Cassie, go." I pointed at Al. Ricky needed no more prodding, but he had to pull Cassie off my waist.

"Now," Lust said once Ricky and Cassie had made it safely to Al's side, "explain."

* * *

Chizi: That's kind of a cliffhanger.

Zilo: ...You wrote that part.

Chizi: I did? Oh...damn.

Zilo: See you next time!


	6. Truce Or Truth?

Chizi: So, we're back, finally.

Zilo: Sorry for the wait, everyone!

Chizi: Many thanks to **Azelf, Zorva, Furorensu-Chan, Pumpkin2Face, Yibbs, The Dark Vampire Princess, Koinu-chan, Hell-bound-Bitch-Triss L Oddy, peppaminty, Spycier and Aro the Evil Demon, chibimillo, darkshadowgirl, cwizumi, **and **KingofHeartless **for reviewing and for your patience.

Zilo: And now...chapter time!

* * *

**6: Truce Or Truth?**  
_In which there is a lot of talking_

"…And that's how you four got here," I finished, my arms crossed.

Nothing but silence greeted the end of my condensed explanation. I'd kept it short and sweet, only using the good old "advanced piece of technology" explanation, and that Ricky (and Cassie) had used it to summon everyone and that they were, quote, "as far away from where you belong as you can get" without saying the names of any actual places. Somehow, I'd managed to stay calm, despite the fact that Lust still held me at nailpoint. I'd even managed to inch towards the kitchen, and now I was oh-so-calmly clearing away what was supposed to be dinner.

Ricky and Cassie were both being safely guarded by Al, who hovered over them protectively at the living room entrance. Ed stood in front of all three of them, halfway between them and Lust, arms crossed, looking like an impassable wall of short scowliness. According to my wristwatch, it was almost 11:00. Envy was quiet in the guest bathroom, though I honestly hadn't heard a peep out of there this entire time.

No one else seemed willing to say anything, "So," I went on, "now we've got to figure out a way to send you all back, and you guys running around destroying sh—uh, things, and stabbing us, doesn't really help."

"And why should I believe what you're saying?" Lust asked me, finally breaking everyone else's silence.

"Why the hell—heck—would I make up something so God-stupid and weird?" was my answer.

Lust considered this. "All right, let's say I accept your version of events. Just how are you going to send us back?"

"Well, that's what we were working on when you showed up and started breaking stuff," I shot back. Yes, I was confident enough to speak in such a tone to Lust the Homunculus with Nails of Death. I don't know how.

Lust raised a brow. I swallowed, remembering the situation I was in, and reminding myself not to smart off at her. I glanced quickly at Ed, but amazingly, he nodded slightly at me, as if to encourage me to go on. Seriously? When one wrong move equaled One-Eyed Joey?

"All right then. What's your next move?" Lust challenged me.

"Me? Well, my next move is to somehow get you to put your hand down," I replied honestly, putting the plates in one nice stack.

I thought I saw the corner of Lust's mouth twitch, but I wasn't sure. Thankfully, she withdrew her nail and let her hand fall. I let out a huge sigh of relief, and I thought I heard Ricky do the same.

This was progress. Progress was good. But I had to stay on top of things. "Thanks. Now, look, I'm not expecting you all to set your differences aside and become bosom buddies or anything. All I want is for you all to not kill each other until we get you home. Can we agree on that?"

I looked expectantly from Ed to Lust and back. Ed had a scowl on his face now. Lust had a hand on her hip.

"Please, guys. As crazy as it sounds, we all need to work together to set things right. You guys can see that, right?" I tried.

Al, I wasn't worried about too much. He had a more reasonable head on his shoulders, er, no pun intended. I just hoped I could get Ed and Lust, and then maybe—_maybe_—Ed and Envy, to call a truce for now.

"You're right," Al was the first to say, like I knew he would.

"There's no way it's gonna work," Ed argued.

"Well, that's the way it has to be. We can't do this with everyone plotting murder. Especially not in _my_ house," I replied as I pulled some plastic containers out of the cupboard.

"And what makes you so sure this will work?" Lust asked me.

"I'm _not_ sure, but a temporary truce is better than a small war. If there's any solution to find, we'll find it faster on agreeable terms," I said.

"And what's to stop me from killing all of you, and finding my own way back?" said Lust.

I swallowed, but stood my ground. "Go right ahead and see how well that works. Trust me, you won't get far."

"Oh, really?" Lust said.

"Yeah, really," I shot back, sensing she didn't believe me.

Lust considered me again. I stared back at her, willing my face to be confident and strong and not all weak and freaked out. I heard a noisy yawn behind me, and turned to see Cassie leaning against Ricky and rubbing her eyes. Oh, right. It was really late.

"Okay, um…look. Can we all agree on a temporary cease-fire at least for tonight? Tomorrow morning we can hash this out a little more thoroughly," I tried next.

Ed and Lust eyed each other. "I might be willing to agree," Lust finally said, "if you tell me what you did with Envy."

"Envy. Right. Oh, damn. Dang, I mean." I turned to Ricky. "Will you get Cassie ready for bed? And, like, go fix yourself up and crash?"

"I'm not sleepy," Cassie insisted sleepily.

"Sure," Ricky said to me uncertainly, reaching down with his good hand and taking hers. He looked like some sort of disaster survivor, with bloodstains on his left sleeve and arm, but maybe the wound hadn't been as bad as we'd thought before. "You'll be okay?"

"Yep," I assured him. I wasn't entirely certain, but I had the feeling I'd be able to negotiate everyone into this truce I was proposing. At least I hoped so.

Ricky looked around at everyone again. Cassie's head was already sinking and bobbing, like a bobblehead. He edged away, and it didn't seem like Lust intended to stop him.

"Come on, guys, I'll show you Envy," I said, pulling her attention towards me in case she changed her mind. On impulse, I threw a piece of now-cold sautéed chicken onto a plate. I don't know why I thought about feeding Envy, but I did. I guess it's just my general awesomeness. That done, I waved for them to follow me as I headed for the guest bathroom.

"Um…" I heard Ricky say. I looked over at him, and realized he was looking up at what used to be our stairs, which was now a slide that ended in a platform just below his neck.

"Oh, for heaven's—would you mind fixing that?" I sort-of snapped at Ed.

Ed gave me a look, but he walked over, clapping his hands together on the way. He reached up and touched the platform, and in a wash of blue light, we had our staircase back. I made shooing motions at Ricky, and he rolled his eyes back and started up the stairs, guiding our half-asleep sister.

"What's the food for?" Al asked me when I came back over.

"Oh, right, you don't know. Well, when Envy got transported here, he was kind of, um, different," I hedged as I went to the bathroom door.

"Different how?" Lust wanted to know.

"Well, I dunno, powerless and shi—iiiiistuff," I said, my mouth automatically scrambling to fix up the swear, even though Cassie wasn't around.

"Powerless?" Ed repeated.

"Yeah." I unlocked the bathroom door, pulled it open, and turned on the light. "Try anything and your ass is grass," I announced inside before I stuck my head in.

Envy was still in the tub, still nice and wrapped up like a duct tape mummy. He glared at me, then blinked in surprise. I felt the presence of three other people looking around my shoulders and over my head to see in the room.

"What in the world?" Al said in wonder.

I heard a series of snorts and snickers from Ed, like he was trying to cover up a laugh.

"Envy, how did you get in this mess," Lust said, sounding almost exasperated.

"_Me_? This isn't _my _fault. Now get me out of here already," Envy griped at her.

"Nice look you got going there," Ed smirked, still holding back laughter.

"You'd better watch it, pipsqueak," Envy snarled.

"Don't call me small, you—"

"Want some chicken?" I interrupted, waving the place in Envy's direction.

"I'd rather die," was Envy's response.

"Oh, I see how it is, you ungrateful rapscallion," I said. I can't tell you what it was, but something about the general mood—Lust acting like a weary mom, Ed taking digs at Envy, Envy unable to murder me in retaliation—made me want to joke.

"How did Envy lose his powers?" Al, the only one still being serious, wanted to know.

"Actually, I don't know. Ricky summoned him, so Ricky is who might be able to tell you," I replied, pulling off a piece of the chicken and eating it. Maybe I'd make Envy want it if I started nibbling at it.

"How did this happen?" Lust murmured, sounding like she was talking to herself.

"Okay, here." I went over to the edge of the tub and set the plate of chicken down on it. Envy glared at me. "Hey, I'm being nice enough to feed you, dude," I retorted as I backed out of the bathroom.

I closed and locked the door and then turned around to face the Elrics and Lust. "Okay, so there was Envy. Can we have peace tonight now?" I asked Lust.

Lust glanced at me, but she seemed to be lost in thought. "Fine," she finally said, turning away and looking around for something.

I breathed a sigh of relief. One hurdle down, for now anyway.

* * *

The next step was to settle everything down for the night. I pulled our air mattress out of the closet for Ed and went about finding sufficient pillows and blankets. Lust wanted nothing except a chair to sit in, so I rolled the office chair over for her, and she took it and planted herself next to the bathroom door, like she planned to guard Envy.

Ed and Al were nice enough to alchemically fix everything that had gotten busted up in the last brawl of the day. Ricky eventually came downstairs in a fresh shirt, his injury bandaged up, and helped us clean up.

I was working mostly on autopilot, trying to make sure everything was just right. I didn't realize how sleepy I was until Ricky stopped me from putting the plates in the fridge. "Joey, maybe you should go on to bed," he said to me.

I checked my watch, and was sleepily surprised to find that it was almost 2 in the morning. "Oh, wow, it's really late," I said, smothering a sudden yawn.

"Go ahead and get some rest; we've got it under control," Ed told me.

"Mmm," I sort-of agreed. I glanced at my brother, and then at the Elrics. "You sure you've got it over control?"

"I think you mean _under_ control," Ricky corrected me.

"We'll be fine, honest," Al assured me.

"Well…okay. G'night." I managed to make my way up the stairs, hearing Ricky call goodnight after me. When I reached the top, I poked my head into Cassie's room. Ricky seemed to have successfully put her to bed, and she was sleeping soundly in the darkness. I made my way to my room, pushed my door shut behind me, and threw myself facedown on my bed.

It was hard to believe we'd actually made it through today. What was even harder to believe that any of today's events had actually happened. Would I wake up tomorrow and find out it had all been a really vivid dream? Part of me hoped so. I wasn't the kind of girl who wanted to be thrown headlong into potentially dangerous situations, anyway.

_Sleep time, _I commanded my brain. I didn't want to think about things anymore. I wanted sleep. A few moments later, I got my wish.

* * *

When I peeled my eyes open, it was still dark, but not quite as dark as before. My body felt stiff, and my knees hurt a little from having my legs dangling half off the side of the bed. I flipped over, then sat up, realized that a call to nature had been what had woken me up.

I pulled myself out of bed, adjusting my clothes—then grimacing as I realized I'd slept in them—and left my room. Everything in the house was dark and quiet. What a relief.

Or was that how it was supposed to be? Maybe it had all been a dream.

I peeked into Ricky's and Cassie's rooms on the way to the can. Both were peacefully asleep under the covers. Afterwards, I was heading back to my room when I realized I was thirsty. I padded downstairs and into the kitchen. Without having to see, I could navigate our kitchen and get myself a glass, then get some water from the dispenser built into the fridge.

When I had finished the water, I put the glass in the sink, then headed back towards the stairs. I had my foot on the bottom step when I paused, my eyes drifting towards the living room. _Was it a dream or not? _I thought. _Let's find out for sure._

I changed direction and went into the living room. Once I was there, the weak light and my adjusting eyes combined so that I could see outlines well enough. And sure thing, there was a light-colored head sleeping under a dark blanket on the air mattress, which was spread out behind the couch.

_So it WAS real, _I thought.

There was a noise. "Joey?" a quiet voice asked.

I jumped, startled, and turned back towards the entrance. Al was sitting in the corner. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he said.

"Oh, no, it's no problem," I replied, keeping my voice low so I wouldn't wake Ed up.

"Is everything okay?" Al asked me.

"Yeah, everything's cool. I was just…well, honestly, I was checking to see if I dreamed all of yesterday," I said honestly.

Al laughed once. "I guess it all _is _pretty amazing," he said.

"You're telling me," I said, a laugh also in my voice.

Our laughs died off, but there was still a comfortable silence between us. I was glad that Al was here; he was nice _and _he could kick ass.

"So," Al finally said, "do you think anyone else we know will show up here?"

"I hope not. I think we've got enough going on as it is," I said vehemently, sitting down cross-legged next to him.

"Yeah," Al agreed.

We were silent a little longer. "You think you'll be able to figure everything out soon?" Al asked next.

"I want to. I hope so. I know you guys probably want to go home and all. We'll try hard, honest," I told him.

"I know you will," Al said, sounding as thought he had faith in me. "But I do think we could probably help you guys. Brother's really smart, and not to brag, but I am too. Even if it's unfamiliar technology that caused all this, we could probably still offer some advice."

I bit my lip. He was probably right. "Yeah. I'm just worried about what the whole truth might do to you guys. It's kind of…well, it's kind of earth-shattering-ish, I guess."

"Is it really that bad?" Al asked, his voice quieter.

"Yeah. When—if—when—whatever, if and/or when you find out, it'll probably change things for you. A lot," I said.

Al was quiet for a while. I shifted a little next to him.

"I think we would rather know, than be in the dark," Al finally said. "Ignorance can cause so many problems for a person. And, if the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?"

That was just it. I would. I knew I would. I felt bad for doing this to them. "I'm sorry," I said. "Look, let's get it all out tomorrow over breakfast. Sound good?"

"Sure," Al said with a slight nod.

I looked over at him and smiled, then frowned as something caught my attention behind him. Well, to be more accurate, the _lack _of something caught my attention. I stood up, realizing that the chair was empty, and the door was open.

"Al?" There was a hint of fear in my voice.

"What?" Al asked, catching on.

"Where's Lust?"

* * *

Zilo: Really? Another cliffhanger?

Chizi: Ah, shut it, cliffy queen!

Zilo: Not me, not me!

Chizi: True and you know it!

Zilo: ANYways, see you all next time!


	7. Get Thee To The Church

Zilo: If I seem rushed, I am! I'm on a timed comp at the library, so I can't spend extra time saying thank you to everybody like I'd like. Just know I read everyone's reviews, loved them all, and thank you all for them! And now...WAIT'S OVER!

* * *

**7: Get Thee To The Church  
**_In which there is yelling, mostly from Joey_

Al was quiet for a while. I shifted a little next to him.

"I think we would rather know, than be in the dark," Al finally said. "Ignorance can cause so many problems for a person. And, if the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?"

That was just it. I would. I knew I would. I felt bad for doing this to them. "I'm sorry," I said. "Look, let's have it all out tomorrow over breakfast. Sound good?"

"Sure," Al said with a slight nod.

I looked over at him and smiled, then frowned as something caught my attention behind him. Well, to be more accurate, the _lack _of something caught my attention. I stood up, realizing that the chair was empty, and the door was open.

"Al?" There was a hint of fear in my voice.

"What?" Al asked, catching on.

"Where's Lust?"

Al turned around and looked where I was looking. "Um…I don't know. I didn't see her leave," he said.

I jumped up immediately and ran to the bathroom door. Sticking my head in, I flipped on the light switch. My heart sank. The tub was empty, except for what remained of Envy's duct tape cocoon. Even the plate of chicken was gone.

"Dammit!" I exclaimed. "She busted him out after all!" Then I had a sudden thought. "Oh my God, Ricky and Cassie." I whirled around and ran for the staircase at full speed. I took the stairs two at a time, probably the first time I've ever done that in my life.

I screeched to a stop at the top of the stairs, quieting my breathing and listening hard. Nothing sounded amiss. I went to Cassie's room first, and silently pushed the door open and stuck my head in. Cassie was still peacefully asleep. I left her room and went to Ricky's, but he too was sleeping undisturbed.

Slowly, I went back downstairs. So Lust and Envy hadn't attacked any of us while we slept. Instead, they apparently had just made a break for it. We were all okay.

My breath froze. _Oh hell, we're NOT okay. Those two knuckleheads are out there somewhere, seeing things they shouldn't be seeing! _And just when I'd thought I was getting a handle on things, too.

I made it to the bottom, and found an awake and very alert-looking Ed waiting for me, already rebraiding his hair. "So, they left?" was the first thing he said to me.

Apparently Al had filled him in while I was upstairs. "Yeah, and, dammit, I so don't need that right now," I sighed, rubbing my forehead.

"What should we do?" Al wondered aloud.

"I guess I'll have to take the van out, see if I can find them and somehow convince them to co—wait, _we_?"

Both brothers looked at me like I was being silly. "You think _you_ can handle two Homunculi?" Ed said incredulously.

"One of them's un-powered, de-powered, whatever. I'll be fine. You guys should stay here," I said.

"It seems like that should be our line," Al pointed out.

"We're the ones who are used to dealing with Homunculi. You're just a _girl_," Ed said, saying "girl" like someone else might say "cripple". Or maybe I was a little sensitive.

"Besides," Ed went on before I could get too steamed, "weren't you just saying how you would explain everything to us? I think it's high time you stopped trying to shelter us from whatever's out there."

Well, he did have a point there. I pressed my lips together tightly. And it was true—I had no feasible plan for getting Envy and Lust back here, other than begging pathetically on my knees. These two would probably be the muscle I needed to actually make a success out of this mission.

"Okay," I said, letting out a sigh. "You guys can come. Let me just change clothes, and I'll be back."

* * *

Five minutes later, I'd switched out of my slept-in clothes to a green shirt and denim shorts, pulled my hair into a ponytail on the back of my head, grabbed Mom's keys, left a brief note for Ricky to find when he woke up, and led the Elrics outside to the family van. I hesitated as I pushed open the front door, as if lightning would strike and kill us all as soon as we stepped outside, but I forced myself to get it together and walked out purposefully.

Ed looked around the moment he and Al had stepped outside. The sun was just starting to come up, so everything had that soft, pretty, sunrise-y glow on it. I shut and locked the door behind us, then took a deep, calming breath and headed down the sidewalk path from the door to the driveway. "Come on, guys, time's wasting."

"Coming," Al said.

"Is that a _car_?" Ed's almost amazed voice asked.

I winced. "Um, yeah, yeah it is," I said lamely as I unlocked the van. I pulled open the backseat door as Ed and Al came over, and they both paused to watch the door slide open.

"It slides?" Al asked.

"Uh…yep," was my answer as I opened the front door and climbed into the driver's seat.

"It looks so weird," Ed commented as he climbed into the back.

"Will there be enough space for me?" Al asked.

"Oh. Uhhh…" I got back out, examined the middle bench of the van, and sighed. "Ed, could you move up the passenger side? I'll have to take this out," I said.

Ed actually did what I said with no fuss, though both he and Al stared at me as I fumbled with the bench's mechanisms before finding the many latches and buttons I had to work to disconnect it. I dragged the bench out of the van and put it against the garage door, mentally promising to put it back later. "Okay, more space, now hop in before somebody sees you." Few of our neighbors were up this early, but I didn't want anyone seeing a giant suit of armor and asking questions out their windows.

Al carefully climbed into the back, practically filling up all the space I'd just made and then some. I shut the door behind him, then jumped back into the driver's seat. "Seat belts, everybody," I said automatically as I started up the car.

Ed was more interested in the dashboard. "What are all these buttons for?" he asked, pointing at the stereo.

"Oh, they're for if you wanna listen to music or the radio," I said. Lucky for me I hadn't had any music on the last time I was in here, so I didn't have to hurry to turn it off.

"I didn't know you could take whole sections of seats out of cars," Al commented.

"And why does this car look so weird? And have so many seats in the first place?" Ed added.

"Uh…look, guys, this is a part of that whole thing I didn't want to explain but promised I would later, okay? So can we focus on the Lust-and-Envy-hunting now, and ask me all these random questions later? And will you _put your damn seatbelt on,_ Ed?" I exclaimed.

Ed frowned at me, but he turned around to get his seatbelt.

"What's our plan for finding them?" Al asked.

_Damn. _"I don't really have one. I was just gonna drive around and hope I get lucky," I admitted.

Ed seemed to be struggling with his seatbelt, so I reached over and clicked it into place for him. He gave me a slightly peeved look, like he had wanted to figure it out himself, and I just rolled my eyes back at him as he adjusted it to comfort over his chest and waist. "I don't mean to be mean, but that plan doesn't seem very good," Al told me from where he was wedged in the backseat.

"Yeah, I know. It's crap. Um…what would you guys suggest?" I managed. I'm much better at being a leader than a follower, but even I had to admit I was out of my element here.

"What kind of places are around here?" Ed asked as I backed out of the driveway.

"Nothing special. This is just a nice, quiet, middle-class-family-with-two-kids-and-a-dog-and-chirping-birds neighborhood. A couple of convenience stores, a church or two, a tiny library a few blocks up," I explained.

"In other words, an abundance of potential hostages," Ed muttered.

My hands clenched a little tighter on the wheel. The thought of Lust spearing any of my neighbors was scary.

"We know that Envy's currently powerless, _and _has a broken arm, so that means Lust is the biggest threat right now. If they left together, than Envy's condition means they probably haven't gotten very far. The question is, where are they going, and what do they plan on doing?" Ed mused.

"Maybe they're trying to figure out where they are and find a way back on their own," Al suggested.

By now I was driving down the street. I anxiously kept my eyes alert, hoping to spot the two. "So, maybe they're standing on some roof looking around?" I said.

"It's possible. Any tall buildings around here?" Ed asked me.

"Yeah. One Hope." Ed looked confused, so I elaborated. "One Hope Christian Center. A church. It's got a huge steeple."

"Let's check it out, then," Ed said decisively.

_Please let it be empty, _I thought.

* * *

_Dammit, God! I asked nicely and everything!_

There were several cars in the church's expansive parking lot when we pulled in. I found a space close to the building, backed in, and turned the van off. Like I had told Ed and Al, the church was huge. A sprawling white stucco building with a two-story sanctuary in the front, adorned in the back by a God-huge chapel with two real bells in it.

"Okay, so it looks like there are people here," I said as I unfastened my seat belt, "so you'll probably have to stay in the car, Al. We can't draw a whole lot of attention, you know?"

"I guess you're right," Al agreed reluctantly.

"Just be our lookout," Ed said as he opened his door and got out. I came around the front of the car to join him, and together we started for the church's front doors. I sincerely hoped it was something like choir rehearsal or something that would have everyone in the closed-off sanctuary, making enough noise not to hear us.

When I pushed open one of the many front doors, I was relieved to hear a muffled hymn in progress in the sanctuary. "Good. We can circle through the lobby and get to the back stairs that lead to the chapel without being noticed," I said.

"Have you been—" The rest of Ed's words were lost in a burst of noise from the sanctuary as the choir sang-yelled, _"IN HI-I-I-I-I-IM!"_

"—Been here before," Ed finished on the other side of the noise.

"Yeah, we show up on Sundays sometimes, or for Christmas and Easter services or whatever," I said as I started to the left.

"Christmas and Easter?" Ed repeated, following me.

"Oh. Um, local holidays," I tried. It was technically true, if "local" meant my world and "not-local" was Ed's. Okay, so it was a stretch.

Ed just said, "Huh," in response, so I could only assume he'd accepted my explanation.

More blasts of singing from the choir followed us as we circled the sanctuary by way of the hall. Sometimes the music would stop altogether, and we'd hear an angry woman yelling something about sopranos and harmonies and other choir lingo.

"Wow, they take their singing seriously," Ed commented.

"Yeah," I agreed absently. We were close to where the staircase should be. I poked my head around a corner and saw the familiar door to the right. "Here we are!" I said exultantly, striding over and pushing the door open.

Ed joined me, and we both looked up the tall staircase that led off into darkness. I started up the stairs, but Ed put a hand on my shoulder. "I should probably go first," he said.

The choir sang-yelled, _"AME-E-E-E-E-N!" _at that precise moment, as if they agreed.

"Oh. Okay," I agreed easily enough, moving aside so Ed could take the lead. We started up the staircase, slowly leaving the rectangle of light in the doorway behind.

"So what's the big deal, anyway? Things look a little unusual, but not so horrible. Why did you want us to stay in your house so bad?" Ed asked suddenly.

_Man, they don't quit looking for answers, do they? _"Well, yeah, I guess it _looks_ okay," I said.

"But…?" Ed prompted.

"But it's a lot more complicated than you think," I said, pausing before I tripped over an uneven spot on the stairs.

"Can you at least tell my what city this is?" Ed asked.

I considered. It probably wouldn't hurt. "High Springs," I told him.

"High Springs," he repeated, sounding as though he was searching his memory. Which he was. "I've never heard of it."

"It's a small town," I told him, which was the honest truth.

My cell phone buzzed in my pocket. Ed, now framed by the light of an upcoming window, paused and turned, looking puzzled. I fished my cell out and gave him a sheepish look. "Phone for me," I said, flipping it open and putting it to my ear without checking to see who it was. "Hello?"

_"Where did you go? Where did you all GO?" _Ricky's near-panicked voice exclaimed.

"Calm down, Ricky, everything's fine. Sorta. Envy and Lust made a jailbreak so Ed and Al and me went to find them," I told him.

Ricky paused. In the background I could hear what sounded like Cassie talking at a man on TV. _"They…escaped?" _he said, sounding a little scared.

"Yeah. I guess Lust wasn't as gung-ho for the truce as I thought. But we're gonna track them down," I said.

_"Well, where are you?" _Ricky asked.

"One Hope. We're guessing they might be trying to get the lay of the land by standing on top of the steeple," I said.

_"Okay, well…good luck."_

"Thanks, bro."

_"Ricky, you should tell her," _Cassie said in the background.

I paused, not missing Ricky's urgent _"Shhh!" _to her. "Tell me what?" I demanded.

_"Uh, nothing, I've got it under—"_

"Richard Donathan Sky Jones, if you summoned someone else I swear I'll kill you through the phone, church or no church," I warned him, starting to get mad. I only use his full name when I'm mad at him, even though we all think it's really long and ridiculous. But Cassie and I have equally long and ridiculous full names, too. Our general consensus is that Mom probably got carried away with baby name books.

Richard said nothing for a long, long time. Even Cassie was silent. Finally, someone else in the background spoke. _"Got any dessert?"_

My eyes widened. I knew that voice. It wasn't the TV after all.

"GODDAMMIT RICKY!" I bellowed before I could stop myself.

_"It wasn't on purpose! I can tell you what happened! I don't know how he got here! We woke up and there he was, taking food out of the fridge!" _Ricky exclaimed, now more panicked than ever.

I seethed for a few seconds, trying to get my voice level under control. I ignored Ed's staring at me. "All right, look," I growled, "keep him inside the house at all costs until we get back. And prepare for a God-awful beatdown." I slammed my phone shut and jammed it back into my pocket, pissed. This was not what I signed up for when I elected to stay home this week.

"So…what just happened?" Ed wanted to know.

"Ricky the Asshole summoned someone else," I sighed.

"Oh." Ed considered, and then said, "Do you always threaten him like that?"

"Huh?" I said in confusion.

"Maybe you should lay off," Ed told me.

I held up my hands. "Hey, I can't help my temper. Some of the things Ricky does just drives me up a wall!"

"Even still, he's your little brother. You shouldn't treat him that way," Ed replied.

I sighed. "Easy for you to say, you don't live with him."

Ed just shook his head, turned, and started back up the stairs. He did a double take at the window. "What the—there they are!"

I hurried up the last few steps and joined him at the window. Sure enough, there was Lust and Envy, sprinting across the parking lot a story and a half down. "Damn, they'll get away!" I exclaimed.

"No they won't," Ed said.

In a flash of blue light, a large section of the parking lot seemed to come alive, and twisted asphalt tentacles around their ankles. Lust and Envy were halted in their escape, and Al climbed out of the van three cars away from them.

"Nice one!" I complimented him from above.

"We got 'em now," Ed said, clapping his hands together. He touched the sill, and in seconds it had morphed into a slide that led almost all the way down. He jumped out and landed on it, sliding on his feet down to the parking lot, where Lust was slicing the parking lot off.

I watched from above, rapt, as Ed leaped off the slide and landed at a full run, already transmuting his signature automail blade. Al was rushing Lust and Envy from the other side. Lust noticed and pointed her hands in both directions, shooting out her deadly nails. Ed and Al both blocked with their right arms as if they'd coordinated it.

Envy then leapt into the fray, lunging at Ed. I looked down at him, wondering what was different, then it hit me in shock. He wasn't acting like someone with a broken arm. In fact, the arm I'd splinted was just now swinging at Ed's head.

_What the hell? Did he—did he regenerate somehow? But how? Why? Dammit, what's going on?_

I couldn't tell if Ed was surprised or not, but he dodged Envy's punch and swiped with his automail. Envy backflipped out of the way. Meanwhile, Al was evading Lust's attacks, a piece of chalk in one hand. He dodgd to safety, then drew a transmutation circle almost before I could blink. More parking-lot-tentacle things twisted out of the ground and hurtled towards Lust.

Movement near the building caught my attention, and I turned to see Bishop Powell running out to the parking lots. He was waving his hands and yelling for them to stop fighting. Huddled at the church's front doors were a good portion of the choir and Mrs. Bell, the choir director, all staring at the fight with wide eyes.

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed. Bishop Powell might get killed by Lust and Envy if he tried to intervene. Without hesitation I jumped on the slide Ed had made. Unfortunately, I wasn't as agile as Ed, and ended up tumbling head over heels the whole way down. I managed to land on my feet at the bottom, but overbalanced and fell on my knees, scraping them through my pants. I jumped up and started running to intercept the bishop.

Ed saw the bishop coming, and so did Envy. "Get out of the way, you idiot!" Ed yelled.

"You must stop this fighting at once!" Bishop Powell exclaimed.

"I'm calling the police!" Mrs. Bell bellowed.

_I hate this so much!_

I caught up to the bishop and grabbed his sleeve. "No, Bishop, stop!"

Bishop Powell glanced at me, then did a double take. "Melissa Jones?" Our family has met him a few times.

"It's not what you think!" I said, my mind racing to come up with an explanation.

"Why, it's Melissa Jones," Mrs. Bell said, although the way she said it, it could have been "Why, it's the bubonic plague."

"Not what I think?" the bishop said, momentarily distracted from stopping the fight.

"No, it's not a real fight! It's…it's…a movie! They're shooting a movie!"

"A _movie_?" We all winced at the sound of Ed getting slammed into the side of another van, which set off its alarm. Seeing this, Al drew another circle and formed a mini-wave of parking lot that rushed over Envy.

"YES, WITH EXCELLENT CGI!" I yelled over the noise of the car alarm. "SO PLEASE GO BACK INSIDE!"

"I DON'T SEE ANY CAMERAS!" Mrs. Bell bellowed suspiciously.

I had managed to start towing Bishop Powell back to the church, and so didn't have to yell as loudly to answer Mrs. Bell. "It's because they're using hidden cameras to make it seem more realistic!" I yelled at her. "Now please, everyone go back inside and I'll let you know when they finish shooting!"

"What about my car?" the owner of the van wanted to know.

"Um, they swapped it for a stunt-van-double. Yours is fine!" I assured him.

* * *

Somehow I managed to talk them into going back inside. Mrs. Bell gave me the evil eye several times, and Bishop Powell still looked worried, but I finally closed the doors behind him and released a heavy sigh. The sounds of the fight drifted back to me, and I turned to see the parking lot—and several cars—in a state similar to how the living room had looked. The fight was still going on strong, though the Elrics seemed to be getting the upper hand.

Now that my present job was over, I had nothing left to do but get mad. I started walking towards them, fists clenched, and at some point my walking changed to stomping. "Stop it! Stop it! _Stop it_! _STOP_!" I hollered.

All four of them actually paused and stared at me.

"Stop fighting or I swear, I won't tell any of you a goddamn thing about anything! I'll let you stumble around like Neanderthals and I won't care! If you want your goddamn answers, _get in the fucking van_!"

Silence. They stared at me as I heaved like a raging bull. Ed and Al exchanged a glance, and Ed nodded once.

"Why don't you calm down, you little twerp?" Envy said, rolling his eyes.

"Then are you ready to start explaining things?" Lust added.

"Yes! Whatever! _God_, you—" I could sense a swear-a-thon coming on, so I just growled and started towards the van. "And fix the damn parking lot!" I yelled at Ed without looking at him.

"You must be a joy to live with," Envy sneered.

I ignored him as I opened the driver's door to the van. I climbed in and slammed the door so hard the whole van rocked. With a heavy sigh, I draped my arms over the wheel and rested my forehead on them.

As I slowly calmed, I began to hear the other talking outside. _"…our best bet is to uphold the temporary truce until we're able to get home,"_ Al was saying.

_"Hey, you're the one who attacked us when we were trying to leave," _Envy commented.

_"No, Envy, I think he's right," _Lust said.

_"Say whah?"_

_"Think about what we saw. We need answers."_

_"So? You think some fat brat's got the answers? We could go threaten anyone and get the info."_

_"Not while we're around." _That was Ed.

_"Besides, Joey and her family are the ones who brought us here. Maybe they're the only ones who can get us back," _said Al, reasonable to the end.

_"I can't believe you're actually considering this, any of you," _Envy complained.

_"Don't forget that car over there, Brother."_

_"Yeah, yeah."_

_"Well, Envy?" _Lust said.

There was a very long, drawn-out sigh. _"FINE, whatever," _Envy said.


	8. The Talk

Zilo: We're back!

Chizi: And about time too. So, thanks to **kasuki101, alexthegreat, KingOfHeartless, Koinu-chan, Akatsuki no Nami, Im-Right-Behind-You, Mindayuki, Azelf, Stitched-On Smiles, anonymous, Kaori Aida, cvopm **and **Anon **for reviewing and waiting.

Zilo: And now, just for you, here's the next chapter!

* * *

**8: The Talk**  
_In which the kitchen table plays a large role_

As I slowly calmed, I began to hear the others talking outside. _"…our best bet is to uphold the temporary truce until we're able to get home,"_ Al was saying.

"_Hey, you're the one who attacked us when we were trying to leave," _Envy commented.

"_No, Envy, I think he's right," _Lust said.

"_Say whah?"_

"_Think about what we saw. We need answers."_

"_So? You think some fat brat's got the answers? We could go threaten anyone and get the info."_

"_Not while we're around." _That was Ed.

"_Besides, Joey and her family are the ones who brought us here. Maybe they're the only ones who can get us back," _said Al, reasonable to the end.

"_I can't believe you're actually considering this, any of you," _Envy complained.

"_Don't forget that car over there, Brother."_

"_Yeah, yeah."_

"_Well, Envy?" _Lust said.

There was a very long, drawn-out sigh. _"FINE, whatever," _Envy said.

I smiled slightly into my arms. At least they would sort-of cooperate now. This hurdle had been cleared, without loss of life or serious injury. Now we could go back home.

Home. Where another summonee waited, most likely wanting an explanation. I was pretty sure I knew who it was, and that raised a whole lot more questions about what exactly was going on. As complicated as this already was, if I was right about our latest houseguest, then things were going to get ten times more so.

For once I kind of wanted to be wrong.

The sound of the van doors opening pulled me out of my reverie, and I looked up from the steering wheel to see Ed climbing into the passenger seat. Glancing back, I saw Envy giving the backseat a once-over, looking disgusted at it. Lust gave him a shove, and he grudgingly climbed in with her following, going to the back bench. Then Al crammed himself in, once again taking up all the space the middle bench had and even more.

I waited until Ed put on his seatbelt to start the van. I didn't particularly care if the Homunculi buckled up.

* * *

The ride home was silent, which I kind of liked. No nagging questions about what was going on, at least not yet. Everyone seemed preoccupied with staring out the window, looking for the reason for all the secrecy I guess. I focused on obeying all traffic laws except for the speed limit.

When we got home, I pulled into the driveway with a sigh of relief, nearly running over the van bench I'd taken out—and then nearly screamed bloody murder when I saw our next-door neighbor, Mrs. Wan, out on her porch, apparently enjoying the warm morning. I broke the silence with a string of "oh dammit dammit dammit dammit!"

"What?" Ed demanded, turning to look at me.

"It's Mrs. Wan! She's outside! She'll see you guys!" I groaned.

"You're worried about an old woman?" said Lust from somewhere behind Al.

"Taking care of her is a matter of seconds," Envy added from somewhere else behind Al.

"No!" Ed, Al, and I all shouted in unison. "Murder equals no trip home!" I added.

"Oh, just take all the fun out of it," Envy sighed.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit all. Okay, let's all remain calm," I began.

"Nobody's swearing up a storm except you," Ed pointed out.

"Shuddup! Let me think!" I thought hard for a few seconds. "All right, everyone get out on the left where she can't see. I'll go open the front door, and you guys get in as fast as you can. Got it?"

"I can't believe we're taking orders from some human," Envy said, sounding grumpy.

"That plan doesn't sound—" Ed started

"It's all we've got! Any evasive alchemy will catch her eye! Now please just do it, okay?"

Al opened the sliding door. "Even if I'm running, don't you think _I _might catch her eye?" he said.

"I'm hoping that if she asks I can convince her she's hallucinating," I answered.

"At least if she came up with _good_ ideas…" Lust was saying to Envy.

I ignored them and opened my own door. I got out, and Ed climbed over the seats and got out after me. Al climbed out as well, making the van rock back and forth like a ship in a hurricane. Lust and Envy got out as well, thankfully. Phase One of my plan was complete.

Acting natural, I went up the front walk to the door, stuck the key in the lock, and opened the door wide. Then I discreetly motioned them over and saw at least two sets of eyes rolling. Al came over at a hurried trot, head bent low. Ed followed him at about the same pace. Lust and Envy obviously missed the memo about secrecy and urgency, as they walked up the walk like they owned it and went inside unhurriedly.

I saw Mrs. Wan leaning forward inquiringly and tried to get my key out of the lock so I could go in as well. You know how if you don't turn it enough in the lock, it can get stuck? Yeah, well, two guesses what happened then.

"Joey?" Mrs. Wan said. She's one of the few adults who doesn't call me Melissa.

"Oh, hi, Mrs. Wan! Just got back from church and whew! What a great sermon! But now I'm sooo hungry I've just got to eat lunch! Oh, and I invited over some friends too! Cosplayers and Goths!" I yelled cheerfully across the lawns, all while waging war with my stubborn key.

"Was that some sort of robot?" she went on, confused enough to apparently ignore my whole time-stalling routine.

"Nope! Just a new toy for Ricky! From Japan! You know how they have all that futuristic technology there! It walks and talks!" I finally got my key out. "Thanks for noticing! Bye!"

Mrs. Wan was half out of her chair, mouth forming another question, when I slammed the front door closed behind me. Just to be safe, I locked everything lockable, then tried the doorknob anyway. All locked. Safe.

Satisfied that I'd cleared another hurdle, I turned to face my latest challenge. Envy had already flopped down of the couch, and Lust was moving to join him. Ed was watching me, probably wondering about my mental state. Al was behind him but turned towards the kitchen, where Ricky and Cassie were just poking their heads out.

"You're home!" Cassie said cheerfully, like it was just another day.

Ricky looked worse. He had an anxious look on his face, and—my gut twisted—purple marks had formed on his neck. I remembered how Envy had abused Ricky's neck yesterday, though that seemed like it had happened months ago.

"Okay," I said, releasing the door and striding towards the kitchen. "Who is it?"

Cassie met me halfway and grabbed my hand to tug me along. Ricky swallowed and gestured for me to enter the kitchen. "Here, this is my sister Joey I told you about," he said to its other occupant.

I rounded the corner, and felt my stomach clench again. I hate it when I'm right but don't like it.

He sat peacefully at our kitchen table, hands folded on top of it. On either side of his hands, dirty plates and bowls rose in haphazard stacks. Several containers and bags, once full of different foods, lay empty on the nearest counter. He smiled at me, like I was entering _his_ domain or something.

"Pleased to meet you," he said in his familiar self-assured tone. "I'm Ling Yao."

I could have said, "Hi, I'm Joey," or something similar. Instead, I said irritably, "I know, dammit," pulled out the chair across from him, and plunked down in it.

Ricky hovered over my shoulder worriedly. Cassie copied him and hovered over my other shoulder.

"So, your brother Ricky tells me you can explain how exactly I got here," Ling went on.

Of course he did. "Yeah, I guess I'm the one in charge here," I said.

Ed and Al had come to the kitchen entrance now. I tensed and waited.

"So who's this?" Ed asked.

I almost fainted. I was right again! And it was even worse this time!

"Ling Yao, nice to meet you," said Ling to them.

I squeezed my fingers together. "I _would_ ask if you lived here also, but something seems different about you two…" Ling went on.

"Ricky, Cassie and I are the only original residents," I said shortly, my latest attack of near-panic making me snap a little. "You five are our…houseguests, for the time being, until we can coordinate sending you all back where you belong."

"And just where is this place, exactly?" Ling asked me.

I thought I felt Ed lean closer or something. And it almost felt like I could sense Lust and Envy listening in from the living room. _Now's as good a time as any, I guess. _"That's a long story," I said, "and I've been saying that a lot. Today I'm supposed to tell the whole thing." I turned to Ricky. "Did you turn that God-forsaken laptop _off_? I don't want _more _people popping up, and I have to explain this all over again."

"I took the battery out after Ling appeared," Ricky said.

I sighed, then my gaze landed on those bruises, and I felt some of my irritation leak away. It's hard to stay mad at your brother when looking at evidence that he barely survived being strangled.

"All right. Here's the deal." _And consequences be damned, _I added mentally. "I'm going to explain this as simply as I can. Feel free to react however—gasps, wide eyes, fainting in shock, whatever—but no questions until I'm done. Okay?"

"Sure," Ling agreed.

Ed and Al exchanged glances, then nodded at me.

"Whatever," Envy's voice floated lazily from the living room.

I took a deep breath. "Okay. Let's get the biggest thing out of the way first. Whatever year you're used to, here in this place, it's the year 2011."

Silence. Like, tomb-full-of-definitely-dead-bodies-and-dead-vermin-too silence. Ling's gaze sharpened, in that way it did whenever he was serious. I heard Al suck in a breath or something similar, but that was the only noise.

At least until Ed moved. Without a word, he came to the table, pulled out the chair between me and Ling, sat down, and shoved a pile of dishes out of his face. He was scowling big-time, his eyes fixed directly on me. Al came over to stand at his shoulder, looking at me. Cassie edged around to my other side, and I saw the reason: Lust and Envy had appeared in the kitchen entrance, both of them staring at me with laser-sharp gazes.

I had been expecting some incredulous looks or noises, and at least two people butting in to ask if I was crazy (despite my no-questions rule). I had not expected everyone in the house not related to me to stare at me like they all had heat vision and were trying to microwave my eyeballs. All the sudden attention made me nervous, and I impulsively propped my hands up on the table, so I could intertwine my fingers in front of my mouth. Something to hide behind, Gendo Ikari-style.

I felt Ricky put his hand on my shoulder, and glanced up to see him nod at me firmly. A show of solidarity. Cassie wound her fingers through my ponytail, her own miniature laser-gaze directed at Al.

Ling was the first one to speak. "Go on," he said, leaning forward with his chin propped on his hand.

Technically, that wasn't a question, so I couldn't reprimand him. "It's…the year 2011," I said again, faltering and trying to start back up. "So things are obviously very different from what you know. Technological advances and everything. Technology is what rules here, not…alchemy."

Did Ed flinch, or was that me? "Or alkahestry," I added, looking at Ling as I said this.

He frowned contemplatively.

"In fact, we don't really have any of that at all. We have things like…cell phones, which are like regular phones, but a lot smaller, and portable. And also laptops, which are like…like…typewriters with viewing screens instead of paper. And on those laptops, we have a network than enables us to connect with anyone in the world anywhere, almost instantly. We call it the internet."

Al seemed to perk a little at hearing the term again.

"With all the connecting going on, people like to have certain ways to do it. One of those ways is websites, which are, um…" I paused, trying to think of a good analogy.

"Like an interactive newspaper," Ricky blurted.

"Yeah, something like that. Only we don't just share news, we share pictures, videos, opinions, interests, and talk and stuff. So on one of these websites there's this bitch—"

"This _girl_," Ricky corrected.

"Using the term loosely," I went on, "there's this girl who…" I trailed off. I just realized, at that moment, that I hadn't explained the most important thing all along. "Who…knows…about you."

Ed's gaze was so close to a glare that it was only technically still a "gaze". Envy and Lust were already glaring, Al was blank as usual, and Ling was just watching me in this way that made me feel weird, like maybe how a hunter watches deer or something.

Cassie let go of my arm and hurried out of the kitchen. I barely noticed. "Okay, so there might be _two _long stories, actually," I stalled.

"We're listening," Ed said shortly, arms crossed.

Again, not technically a question, so I couldn't jump him. But my nerves were starting to gnaw a hole in my torso, which often makes me either angry or mindless.

"Do any of you believe in alternate universes?" I burst out.

Everyone looked surprised, even Ricky. Before anyone could answer, I plunged ahead. "Well, if not, change your mind, because here you are! Tada!" I spread my arms wide, indicating the kitchen and subsequently the whole world.

They stared at me some more.

"God, stop _staring_!" I snapped, reverting to angry-mindless mode. "Look, okay! This is an alternate universe! And here, none of you are real people! You're fictional characters in a poplar manga series and subsequently anime series, and you have _fangirls_! That's what the bitch is, a _fangirl_! And she convinced my brother to use this thing called a chainletter to drag you out of your fictional-to-us world! And _believe_ me, I wasn't happy about it! But now the chain letter's gone berserk and keeps popping you people out like a chick without birth control! The _end_!" In a fume, I crossed my arms and glared at each of them in turn.

The glare-gazes had changed to openmouthed stares. Ricky was sporting an impressive one of his own. Al looked about as stunned as armor could look, which was surprisingly stunned, actually.

Ling seemed to recover first, his face becoming contemplative. Envy's eyes narrowed, like he was finally starting to think I had some screws loose. Lust started to look around, as if taking stock of everything again. Ed's widened eyes remained fixed on my face.

Again I exploded. "Don't _stare _at me, dammit!" I yelled at him. "I _know _it sounds insane! You think I don't know it sounds insane! You think I don't know I sound like a raving lunatic! Tough okra, pal, because that's the _same _thing I thought when this whole _mess_ started! Welcome to my world!"

"Joey," Ricky said sharply.

I whirled to face him. "You want some, punk?" I half-snarled.

"Calm _down_!" he demanded, putting his other hand squarely on my shoulder and looking me in the eyes. I hate to admit it, but he had the air of the responsible older sibling soothing the volatile younger sibling at this point. "You're not helping our case by biting everyone's heads off! You've gotta stay _calm_!"

I didn't want to stay calm. I wanted to flip the table.

"Here," Cassie's voice said. She had returned to the kitchen at some point. I turned to see her handing one of my manga to Ed.

Ed took it, finally looking away from me to look at it. His eyes got even wider, if possible, and he actually gasped.

"What is it?" Al asked, bending over Ed's shoulder as the latter opened the manga.

"It's—it's _us_," Ed said hoarsely.

I realized that Cassie must have gotten the copy of the Fullmetal Alchemist manga, volume four, that I had borrowed from Ricky and left in the living room yesterday. Again, that felt like ages ago.

"It is," Al said, his tone somehow wondrous and strangled at the same time.

"What?" Envy said, actually sounding interested. He leaned over Ed's other shoulder to look. Lust leaned over Envy's shoulder in turn to have a look as well. "What the hell _is _this?" Envy said, sounding almost like he was talking to himself.

Ling was the only one who didn't look. He faced me, but his eyes seemed to be focused on my nose or something, maybe to avoid provoking my wrath. "Since you said 'the end' I assume we can ask questions," he said.

Now that my rant was over, I was almost exhausted. I nodded silently.

"Is it true?"

I blinked. At first it seemed like a silly question, but Ling's eyes met mine fully, and they pierced through me. It was like those three words had a million layers to them.

"It's true," I answered, sort of subdued.

Ling nodded once, then twice. "Fair enough." It was like the idea of me lying or being crazy wasn't an option. He just _believed _it. Or chose to believe it. It was at that moment that I had a feeling in my gut again, that maybe I should be wary around Ling. But wasn't he a good guy? What did I need to be worried about?

Ed finally slapped the manga shut, then started to massage the bridge of his nose. Envy plucked it out of Ed's hands and opened it again at a random page, and he and Lust started to look it over again.

As I watched them, my stomach continued to twist. As usual, after blowing up I was regretting it. This was a lot to swallow for anyone—except Ling I guess—and it felt like the long-term repercussions would be bad.

Also, I was sick and tired of all this sixth-sense crap I was going through today. I wanted it to quit.

"Next question. How can I have my bodyguards brought here?" Ling asked me.

I put my head down on the table.

"Joey—?" Ricky began.

"No," was my answer. I don't really know what I was saying no to, but I said it anyway. Ricky seemed to get whatever hidden message there was, because he left me alone.

"Guys?" he said hesitantly to the others. "I'll…if you've got any questions, I'll take 'em."

* * *

I have to hand it to my brother: he stammered and stumbled a lot, but he didn't back down from the onslaught of questions. Mostly it was Ed and Envy interrogating him, though Lust threw in a few for good measure. Ling and Al didn't participate; I guessed that Ling had no more questions and that Al didn't want to stress my brother out any more.

Ricky explained, in halting detail, all he could about the internet, the chainletter, EdwardsWife, and—most importantly—the revelation of fictionalization the FMA cast had just had. He piggybacked on my alternate-universe theory and threw out a rather intelligent observation of how the reverse could be true—how _we _and our whole world could be a work of fiction in theirs.

Meanwhile, I stayed with my head on the table like a dead body. Cassie had crawled under the table and was now sitting with her chin on my knees.

Finally, the questions seemed to wind down. Either Ricky had convinced them or they were just tired. Ed asked the next most important thing. "How are we going to get back?"

"I'm trying—_we're_ trying to get the chainletter working again, so we can reverse everything and send you all home," Ricky explained. "It just that it's malfunctioned somehow, which is how there ended up being five of you instead of just one."

"And more?" Lust wanted to know.

"Um…hopefully you're it." Ricky sounded hopeful, too.

Someone—Ed, I think—heaved a sigh. "All right," Ed said. "This all still sounds really crazy, but…it's pretty elaborate to be a straight-out lie. And I guess there are a few things that add up to your explanation."

"But you idiots had better get that chain thing working, and soon," Envy warned.

"We're doing our best," Ricky insisted.

"Well, now that we know what's going on—sort of, anyway—maybe we can help," Al spoke up.

Ricky sounded hesitant when he replied. "Well, umm…I guess you guys could give it a shot. The more the merrier, maybe?"

I finally lifted my head from the table. Everyone _seemed_ calm, at least, though Envy had his arms crossed, and so did Ed. I checked my watch and saw that it was already 3:00PM.

"Oh, it's way past lunchtime," I said randomly.

Everyone turned to look at me, like I had started talking about alien snail monsters or something. "It is?" Ricky said, looking bewildered and a little worn.

"Yep. I'll order pizza if everyone promises not to murder the pizza man," I said, pushing my chair back and standing up.

Envy sighed, like I was being ridiculous. "What's pizza?" Ling wanted to know.

"I'm sure you'll adore it." I glanced at my brother. "Rick, you look wiped. Why don't you take a nap? I'll take over." To be honest, I felt a little guilty for just giving up on handling the situation and leaving it up to Ricky.

"No, I'm fine," Ricky told me.

"Well if you won't nap can I take your nap?" Cassie asked from under the table.

Ricky and exchanged a glance and shared a worn smile. "Why don't you take Cassie upstairs, and if the urge hits you to conk out, just stay up there," I said to him.

"Are you sure you can handle everything without, y'know, exploding all over everything?"

"Yes, boss," I said sarcastically. "Just go on."

So Ricky got Cassie out from under the table and took her upstairs while I took out my cell to order pizza and prepared not to explode all over everything.

* * *

Chizi: What, no cliffhanger? I'm shocked.

Zilo: Hey! You're my co-author, you're supposed to be on my side!

Chizi: Meh. Chizi is on Chizi's side.

Zilo: You…meany-face!

Chizi: Ooooh, you got me! (sarcasm) Anyhow, see you guys next time, because it's far from over. The fun's juuust beginning, trust me!


	9. Hit And Run

Zilo: Your excuse, please…

Chizi: (grumbles) I was busy…

Zilo: That's a terrible excuse!

Chizi: I'll make up for it by thanking everyone. Thanks to **KingofHeartless'09, Midnayuki, kasuki101, Mimitalind, darkshadowgirl666, MOeMoE KaGAmi, Tigrette, **and **Salamander Hat** for reviewing.

Zilo: But we do that every time…

Chizi: Well this time it's special because we've passed the 100-review mark.

Zilo: That's true! Hooray! So now, here's the next chapter!

* * *

**9: Hit And Run**  
_In which Joey and Cassie take a trip_

Ricky and I exchanged a glance and worn smiles. "Why don't you take Cassie upstairs, and if the urge hits you to conk out, just stay up there," I said to him.

"Are you sure you can handle everything without, y'know, exploding all over everything?"

"Yes, boss," I said sarcastically. "Just go on."

So Ricky got Cassie out from under the table and took her upstairs while I took out my cell to order pizza and prepared not to explode all over everything.

I'd say I did pretty well.

To be honest, I was kind of relieved to have everything out in the open now. I was never really comfortable with lying and hiding things from Ed and Al, and those other guys too. It was easier this way.

* * *

"Ah, this thing you call pizza is indeed quite interesting!" Ling said, sounding like he'd witnessed the miracle of childbirth. He put yet another slice on his plate and grabbed a couple more breadsticks for good measure.

"Save some for the rest of us," I warned him, putting a few slices in a plastic container. I wanted to save some for Ricky and Cassie, who had both passed out on their beds and still hadn't woken up. I figured I'd let them sleep through the night; it was already almost eight in the evening.

"Look at this, Brother," I heard Al say behind me. He and Ed were hunched over the laptop, Ed absentmindedly chewing on his own slice of pizza. I'd saved the chainletter in a document and turned off the wi-fi before handing it over to them, figuring they could do the least amount of damage that way.

"Huh, that's something," Ed said, sounding vaguely interested.

"What's up, guys?" I asked, turning to face them at the kitchen table.

The brothers both looked up at me. "There's a program on here just for card games?" Al asked me.

I smothered a snort as I came around the table to view the screen. "Oh, yeah, that comes standard on most computers. I thought you guys were brainstorming over the chainletter?"

"Well, we were, but…we got distracted," Al said, sounding a little embarrassed.

Ed seemed to have gotten the hang of the wireless mouse easily, and he maneuvered it around the current Solitaire game with one hand, his half-eaten slice of pizza in the other.

"Meh," I said with a shrug. "Take all the time you want, long as you don't break anything. I'm the one who's safely where she belongs."

Ed shot me a look. I raised my eyebrows at him with a smile as I put the container of pizza into the fridge. Passing by the kitchen's entrance, I paused and poked my head into the living room to check on Lust and Envy.

They were sitting on the couch, talking quietly to each other. Envy looked sulky, but as soon as my head appeared, he straightened up and glared at me. "What do you want?" he wanted to know.

"Nothing. Just making sure you're still here and not off maiming somebody," I said.

"We spared your precious peet-zah man, didn't we?" Envy snorted, leaning back against the couch.

"We want to talk to you," Lust said.

I blinked in surprise. "Uh, okay," I said, coming into the living room and standing in front of the couch. "What's up?"

"How long is this going to take?" Lust asked.

I blinked.

"It doesn't sound like any of you are trying all that hard to fix this," Envy clarified, his eyes narrowed at me.

I rolled my eyes. Yes, I'd grown comfortable enough around the Homunculi to roll my eyes at them. "Guys, we're doing the best we can, okay? The Elrics are on it. Just relax already."

"'Relax'? That's very easy for you to say. If all the things you said are true, we're stuck in this place until _you_ get it together," Envy said.

"We don't want to sit around waiting for you to decide to send us back," Lust added.

"Well, that's all you can do. We've got this under control," I said.

Envy stood up, nose to nose with me. It was funny—when he had been menacing me and Ricky yesterday, he'd seemed so tall and intimidating, but it was a surprise to realize he was only a little taller than I was. "I want results. Something had better happen by tomorrow, or this little truce of yours is dead," he hissed right in my face.

My fists clenched. Instead of being scared, I was slightly pissed. To me, his threat equaled him trying to do something to my brother and sister, and I wouldn't let that happen. "You do anything to violate the truce, and your ass can stay right here. I'll even call the cops for you."

"Don't try to threaten me, little girl. In case you haven't noticed, I'm back to full strength. Your threats don't hold quite the same amount of force," Envy said.

"Full life bar or not, you still wouldn't make it two days out there, trust me," I shot back.

"Huh," Envy sneered, but he didn't have a comeback. Unless he was saving his zingers for later, and by "zingers" I mean "murdering the Jones children in their sleep." I reminded myself that I really shouldn't antagonize them, even if they had agreed to the truce, and tried a friendlier tone. "Look, we want you back where you belong as much as you do. We'll have this fixed soon, I promise."

Envy sighed and flopped back down on the couch. I eyed Lust, but she was looking around the living room in what seemed like an absent manner. "So…anything else?" I asked.

Neither of them responded. Envy just glared at the ceiling, and Lust seemed to be lost in thought. "Okay, then. Nighty night." I left the living room and returned to the kitchen, where I was met with more scrutinizing stares.

"What?" I demanded.

"Do they really not scare you?" Ed wanted to know.

"Hell no," I said out loud while nodding furiously.

Ed blinked, then he actually smiled. Al tilted his head. Ling was savoring a slice of pizza, but still watching me.

"So," I went on, changing the subject, "who wants to sleep in the living room with the Homunculi?"

* * *

Considering the state things were in, I still slept pretty well. Halfway through the night I was partially woken up by Cassie climbing into my bed. I just shifted to give her more room, and let her snuggle up to me before I fell asleep again. She tended to come into my room on nights when she either had a bad dream or was scared, and Mom wasn't home.

I was surprisingly at ease. I knew the Homunculi probably wouldn't sleep, so I had asked Al to keep an eye on them. I figured he could wake Ed or just tackle them himself if they tried anything. There weren't any skirmish-y noises throughout the night, or at least none loud enough to wake me up.

Stupid me, I had thought that I'd finally gotten things under control. I watched enough anime, so I should have realized that things are never that easy, and there's always a twist to shake things up. Who knew real life followed anime rules?

I woke up about eight AM. Cassie was still asleep, snuggled under my arm. At some point our joint efforts had kicked off my comforter and knocked it across the room. I carefully climbed out of bed so as not to disturb her, picked up the comforter, and tucked it around her.

After a shower and hair-washing I seriously deserved, I threw on a blue and black-striped shirt and a denim skirt that shows off my awesome knees, pulled my wet hair into a tight ponytail, and, after checking on Ricky and confirming he was still snoring away in his bed, headed downstairs to assess the situation.

The first person I saw on reaching the ground floor was Lust. She sat at the kitchen table, slowly turning pages of the Fullmetal Alchemist manga. She glanced up briefly when I appeared, but of course she didn't greet me.

I turned right and went into the living room. Ed was sitting crosslegged on the air mattress, his coat in his lap, and he seemed to be either mending or pulling out a few loose threads. Al sat on the couch behind him. They both looked up when I appeared.

"Morning," I said. I scanned the room, quickly taking note of who was missing. "Where's Envy and Ling?"

"Good morning, Joey," Al said.

"Envy's in the basement," Ed added.

"The basement?" I repeated.

"I think he's looking for some other way to get back," Ed said, the sound of an eye-roll in his voice.

My brows raised. "Oh. Okay. Whatever. And Ling?"

"He's gone," Ed said, picking at a thread. He said it so casually that at first it didn't sink in.

"Wait, _what_?" I exclaimed when I finally realized. "What do you mean, _gone_? Why didn't—I thought I asked you to keep an eye out, Al!"

Al looked guilty. Yes, somehow armor looked guilty. "Well…you asked me to keep an eye on Lust and Envy, and I did," he protested.

Well, that was true. I hadn't specifically said anything about Ling. "Okay," I sighed, plopping down on the couch next to Al, on Ed's other side. "When did he leave? And did he say why or anything?"

"Of course not. He just kept wandering around examining stuff. What a weirdo," Ed commented.

"I think he left a little before dawn," Al said, still sounding guilty.

I rubbed my forehead. This really sucked. After a moment, I reached out and patted Al's shoulder. "Thanks for looking out anyhow," I said, wanting to let him know I didn't blame him for Ling being a pain in my ass.

Al nodded. "Are you going to take the van out and look for him?" he asked.

"Nope," I said.

Ed finally looked up from his coat to give me a surprised look. "Really?" he said.

"Really. Unlike the Homunculi, Ling doesn't consider human-killing a sport. Since he's not a threat to the public, if he wants to be a moron and go running around in a world he's entirely unprepared to deal with, more power to him. He'll probably get arrested again," I snorted.

"Again?" the brothers said in unison.

I paused, not missing the significant glance they exchanged. "What do you mean 'again'?" Ed asked me.

"Nothing. You'll find out on your own," I said.

"Is there something else you're not telling us?" Ed wanted to know, his brows lowering.

"No, jeez," I sighed.

Cassie's voice floated down to me from the stairs, calling my name. I hopped off the couch and went to the bottom step, looking up. Cassie stood at the top, still in her pink nightgown, sort of clutching the banister at the top. "What's up, Cassie?" I asked.

"Are they all still here?" she asked me, sounding a little nervous.

I gave her an apologetic smile. "Yeah, they are. Do you wanna stay at Natasha's for a little bit, until they're gone?"

She shook her head. "My art class," she said to me.

I blinked about twenty times before I got it. "Oh, shi—shkabob. The _art_ class." Cassie had been enrolled in a community art class once a week for about two months, and, lucky me, today was that day.

"I don't have to go," Cassie said, her arms tightening around the banister.

"No, no, I'll take you. You need a break anyway. Get dressed and we'll go." I started up the steps.

_Ding-dong._

I froze. Cassie froze. Ed and Al probably froze. I think Lust even paused in turning a page of the manga.

Time stood still. At least until whoever was at the door rang the bell again.

"Is that—" Ed started to say.

"SHHHH!" I hissed, whirling and rushing back down the stairs and into the living room. "Ed, Al, into the kitchen!"

"But—" Al began.

"_VOICES-DOWN_!" I whisper-shouted, my arms flailing in shooing motions.

Although they gave me weird looks, Ed and Al complied and went into the kitchen. Cassie only came down the stairs at that point, gluing herself to Al's side as I went to the door.

I stood on my toes and peered through the peephole. A familiar eye peered through the other side, warped by the glass. He always did this. I rolled my eyes, even as I felt a smile on my face, and pulled open the door.

"Ike, I can't see who it is when you do that," I told him, resting my arm on the doorknob.

"But I'm the only one who does that, so you know it's me." My best friend Eisenhower Tak, known by all his friends and foes as Ike, gave me his usual grin.

"But what if some crazy stalker guy who looks like you shows up and does that, and I open the door and get stabbed in the face?" I replied as usual.

"Wear a helmet when you open the door," Ike replied as usual.

"Dude!" I said with a laugh.

"So what's up? I thought you were coming over for movie night last night," Ike went on, making a move as if to come inside.

I put my back on the doorjamb, effectively blocking his path. "Yeah, uh, something came up," I hedged.

"'Something'? Like what?" Ike asked me, pausing in confusion.

"There was…a relative's here. Aunt Jay. And…she's got a horrible contagious disease. So—so nobody else can come in. We're quarantined," I hastily lied.

Ike blinked for a second or two, then laughed. "That's a new one. Have you been practicing your stand-up?" he teased me.

"I'm serious!" I insisted, pulling the door closer so I was packed in the gap. "She's here, and crazy contagious, and I'm not even supposed to be talking to you. You should go home and fortify yourself with drugs and orange juice and NyQuil. Now."

Ike's smile started to slip. "Are you…serious, Joey?"

"Yes. Dead serious," I said.

He blinked a few times. "Um…all right…" he said.

"Sorry," I said sincerely. "I'll call you when we're well though."

"Sure," he sort of mumbled, heading backwards down the sidewalk.

I quickly pulled myself back into the house and shut the door firmly, making a mental note to call and apologize to Ike after this whole mess was over. It didn't even occur to me that I'd practically told him to go home and kill himself on medicine he didn't need.

I was being watched by every available face from the kitchen. Envy and Ricky had even showed up to stare at me. "Oh, jeez! One, shut up, and two, I'd like to see you punks do better!" I snapped.

"Are we gonna have to fake sick now?" Ricky asked.

"No! Ike probably won't be back for a little bit. We'll be fine," I said.

"But my art class," Cassie reminded me.

"We'll go out the back door."

"Wait, hold on. You're taking Cassie to her art class? In the middle of all this?" Ricky exclaimed, waving his hand to indicate the FMA characters.

"Yes, Ricky, I think some normalcy will do us all some good," I said firmly.

Ricky snorted in a manner which indicated his slight disagreement with my idea but his respect for my role as the older sister. "And who's gonna watch over them, huh?"

"Hold on a second! We're not little kids, we don't need babysitting," Ed protested.

"It'll be fine. Walking Cassie down and coming back will only take like a half hour. You can handle them until then, they're all truced up, remember?" I assured him.

"Wait, what? You're leaving _me_ in charge?" Ricky exclaimed, sounding a little panicked.

"Of course. You're a teenager. Besides, this whole mess is your fault in the first place," was my reasoning.

"But—but—oh, all right," Ricky sighed. He scratched the back of his neck absently, pulling down the collar of his shirt. The bruises on his neck were starting to change into those sickly-looking colors that indicate healing, which relieved me.

"Like I said, a half hour. That's all it'll be," I said.

"So we have to stay here?" Al asked, sounding a little disappointed.

"Yeah. Sorry, guys. You know it's best if you lay low until we can get you back. It's just a short trip, so you won't be missing anything," I assured him.

Envy made a noise in his throat, and I shot him a look. "Just don't forget that we're honoring this truce for our own interests, not because we're so interested in following your orders," Lust put in.

"Oh, I remember, all right," I said grimly. "I'll be back soon."

* * *

To tell the truth, I'd insisted on taking Cassie to her art class because I needed to time for myself as well. Some fresh air would probably keep me from exploding all over everyone in the house. And after scaring Ike away with such a stupid story, I figured I needed time to recover my wits.

Cassie, cute as a button in a pink-flowered shirt under a denim jumper and pink high tops, seemed to enjoy getting outside as well. She didn't even complain when I insisted she hold my hand through all the crosswalks. It just generally seemed like a great day: blue sky, puffy clouds, shining sun, singing birds.

"Today is really pretty," Cassie said, summing up the day quite well.

"It is, isn't it?" I agreed. We smiled at each other. She looked like a little curly-haired angel, with sunlight making her hair more red than brown. In fact, the sun started to intensify the color, making it brighter and more vivid. I blinked, then realized it wasn't just her hair—Cassie's entire form was brighter, as if someone had turned the color meter all the way up on their TV.

Cassie's smile faltered also, changing to a confused expression, as her eyes moved from my face. I turned to see what had caught her eye, even as we kept walking, her hand in mine.

For a second, I thought I was dreaming. We had been on the last corner before the library where the art class was, about to cross the crosswalk, right? That's why we'd been holding hands. But suddenly, the street had changed entirely. It was a road paved with cobblestones, it looked like. Unfamiliar buildings rose on either side. Unfamiliar people passed us, some pausing to look at us curiously.

I stopped walking. Cassie stopped too, clenching my hand in both of hers and moving closer to my side. "Joey?" she said, sounding nervous. I wasn't hallucinating, or at least I wasn't the only one.

It was alien, but somehow very oddly familiar. My head turned back and forth, trying to place it. I froze when two men walked by. They weren't looking at me or anything, but their uniforms suddenly made it clear. I'd recognize that stupid blue thing anywhere.

"Oh my God," I whispered. How had we been warped to the FMA universe? Had Ricky started tampering with the laptop the second I walked out the door? If so, I was going to kill him for about the eleventh time.

One of the state military officers finally noticed my stare and slowed. "Miss?" he said. "Are you all right?"

"I—I—" I wasn't really sure.

And then it was gone. Suddenly, the FMA universe had vanished, and I was back in the crosswalk where we had just been, with three notable differences—Cassie's horrified scream, the blare of a car horn, and the screeching of brakes. All I could register was a huge shape rushing towards us, and all I could think to do was shove Cassie away as hard as I could, to get her clear.

Then, predictable darkness.

* * *

_I could hear my mom. She didn't sound worried at all—in fact, she was very calm, and her voice had that warm, encouraging tone she used whenever she thought I could rise to a challenge. "You can do this, Joey. You've always been my perfect girl. I know you can. All you have to do is use the skills you've got."_

"_But this is so confusing," I said, or thought I said. It's hard to tell when you're talking in a dream._

"_You're ready for this. I believe in you, Joey. Show me that fire," Mom said._

_Yep, that fire. My crazy temper. Somehow Mom never seemed to reprimand me enough for it. She'd always just joke about how redheads were supposed to have fiery tempers._

"_How is getting angry going to wake me up from being mowed down by a car?" I thought-asked._

_Mom just laughed. But for a moment, I thought I saw a flash of worry._

* * *

"Joey! Joey! Oh my God, Joey!"

"What do we do?"

"Is there a hospital nearby?"

"M-My cellphone! Oh man, oh man! Please! Melissa, please!"

Ricky only used my real name when he was super upset.

"Jo-e-y-y-y-y," Cassie half-said, half-sobbed.

"Al, here, take Cassie and—hey, stop panicking already! We just need to get her to the hospital!"

"We could put her out of her misery."

"Shut up, Envy! Why'd you even come?"

"Sounded like a good show."

I realized I was lying on the hard, uncomfortable ground, and that the people were all talking over me, their voices jumbling to the point where I could only pick out a sentence or two. I also realized my eyes were closed, and either the shock hadn't worn off or I'd landed safely in a pile of fluffy pillows, because I felt just fine. I snapped my eyes open before Ricky could have a heart attack.

"Ricky, calm the hell down!" were the first words out of my mouth.

Everyone stopped talking or yelling or sneering or whatever they were doing to stare at me for the second time that day. Except for Cassie, who continued to rain down tears and snot as she threw herself on my neck.

"God, if you act like this in every crisis you're going to end up even _more_ useless," I went on, sitting up slowly as my brother stared at me, the residual terror on his face mixing with a stunned look.

"It's good to see being hit by a moving vehicle has made you so much sweeter," Envy commented from where he and Lust stood away from the circle of people all leaning over me.

"Well…are you okay?" Ricky asked me.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I feel fine," I assured him, touching my head in several spots to confirm my claim. I felt completely aware, and still no pain had shown up.

"You sure?" Ed asked, watching me warily.

"Definitely. It's like nothing happened."

Cassie was starting to wind down and let go of my neck to stand up. "B-But that car hit you," she trembled.

"Cassie came running back to the house to tell us," Ricky added. Cassie nodded tearfully.

I looked around for the driver, but saw no one other than us. "So the guy just peeled off without making sure he hadn't committed manslaughter? Assh—tray," I recovered.

"Maybe you should check yourself into the nearest hospital, just to be safe," Al suggested.

I stood, all of them watching me warily, and flexed my limbs. "No, really, I'm fine, and I don't feel like paying any medical bills." I checked my watch to see how late we'd be for Cassie's art class, but the face was broken and one of the hands was missing. _Dammit._ "Why don't we just go back to the house," I suggested. Apparently God, fate, karma, the cosmos, and/or an asshole behind the wheel didn't want me leaving home.

Cassie didn't mention her art class.

"Ugh, back to the prison," Envy grumbled, voicing thoughts more similar to mine than I'd have liked.

"The rest of us have made it just fine outside that house, I don't see why we have to be trapped in it," Lust added.

"That's just the way it is, so can it," Ed shot back, looking irritable.

"I still think we should go to the hospital," Al said.

I ignored them all and focused on leading the way home. I couldn't believe I'd survived a hit-and-run without a scratch. In fact, I felt great, like I could run a marathon or climb a mountain or something. Did getting hit by cars release endorphins or something?

* * *

No, it wasn't over.

I led everyone up the driveway, no longer caring if the neighbors saw us, and mentally reminding myself again to put the middle bench back in the van. Cassie had held my hand the whole way home, and was unusually quiet and thoughtful-looking. Ricky had shared some small talk with Al, Ed had brooded, Lust had taken everything in on the way back, and Envy, to all appearances, had just sulked. At least they were still willing to do what I said. The precarious threat of leaving them stranded wouldn't hold forever, though, so I made another mental note to start working on the chain letter as soon as we got inside.

I pulled out my key and unlocked the front door, letting everyone in. I saw movement in the kitchen, and stiffened. "Hello?"

"Oh, welcome back!" Ling's voice said cheerfully.

_Oh yay, he's returned,_ I thought with a hint of sarcasm. I went into the kitchen, Cassie still glued to my side. "Hey your highness, you finally came back, huh—"

And of course I choked. Because of course Ling was sitting at the kitchen table, dirty plates stacked around him, and of course Ike sat on Ling's right. And of course Roy Mustang sat on Ike's right, looking at me with some interest as I entered the kitchen.

Of course.

Of _course_.

"DAMMIT!" I bellowed, startling everyone behind me.

"Oh, _hell_!" Ed said about a second later.

"Oh no," said Lust.

"Oh _great_," Envy griped.

It's a sad day when your sentiments mirror two Homunculi's.

* * *

Zilo: Back to our cliffie roots!

Chizi: As usual.

Zilo: Thanks for seeing us through 100 reviews everyone! We'll see you next time, hopefully a little sooner!


	10. House Arrest

Chizi: Well?

Zilo: (grumbles)

Chizi: And you got on me…

Zilo: I'm so sorry everyone! Writer's Block and life and bad luck or something conspired to make me super late!

Chizi: Just don't let it happen again. Now do the thank-yous.

Zilo: Thanks very, very much to **fictionalcharacterwish, Takemori, Shimmer Mist, Natsuki Ayaka, Xingese Phantom, Storm Uchiha, run4life, Sawa, Haru Eclipse, LOL-LIVElikeurOUTofLOLLIPOPS, Alchemical luminescence, Salamander B. Hat, alexthegreat, AbbyInUnderland, TehBiggestOctopus, SilverMoonKitty, WHEN, MDevil, **and **Amethyst** for reviewing and being awesome patient people! Now, without further ado, the long-awaited next chapter!

* * *

**9: House Arrest  
**_in which another phone call changes everything again_

I pulled out my key and unlocked the front door, letting everyone in. I saw movement in the kitchen, and stiffened. "Hello?"

"Oh, welcome back!" Ling's voice said cheerfully.

_Oh yay, he's returned,_ I thought with a hint of sarcasm. I went into the kitchen, Cassie still glued to my side. "Hey your highness, you finally came back, huh—"

And of course I choked. Because of course Ling was sitting at the kitchen table, dirty plates stacked around him, and of course Ike sat on Ling's right. And of course Roy Mustang sat on Ike's right, looking at me with some interest as I entered the kitchen.

Of course.

Of _course_.

"DAMMIT!" I bellowed, startling everyone behind me.

"Oh, _hell_!" Ed said about a second later.

"Oh no," said Lust.

"Oh _great_," Envy griped.

It's a sad day when your sentiments mirror two Homunculi's.

"How- no, _why_?" I found myself saying.

"Don't look at me, I didn't do it this time," Ricky said almost instantly.

I zeroed in on Ike first. "Why are you here? I told you we all had a horrible contagious disease and your next action is to show up again?"

"Your lying skills need work," was Ike's answer.

I massaged the bridge of my nose. "Okay. Fine. But how did you get in my kitchen?"

"The door was wide open," Ike said, adjusting his glasses on his nose.

I shot a look at Ricky. "Well, I'm sorry! I was too concerned about my sister getting run over by a car to lock the front door," Ricky said defensively, holding up his hands.

"Oh, you got run over and you're still bouncing around yelling?" Ling asked.

"Oh, shut up!" I huffed, out of witty comebacks.

While I was fuming, Cassie had gone up to examine Roy, who looked down at her in turn. "Roy Mustard?" she said now.

I paused and turned around. "No, Cassie, it's _Mustang_," I said. She made that mistake a lot.

"Musting?" she said, looking confused.

"Close enough," I sighed.

Roy turned his gaze towards me. "So I'm told you're the one in charge here," he said.

_Damn him. And his stupid sexy voice._ "Yeah, I'm the eldest sibling and everything," I said. Remembering my manners, I stuck out my hand. "Joey Jones."

"Colonel Roy Mustang." He shook my hand.

I sat down at the table, between Ling and Ike and across from Roy. Ricky came to hover over my shoulder. Ed remained leaned against the kitchen entrance, with Al next to him. "Can't believe _he's_ here," I heard Ed mutter. For some reason, Lust and Envy had retreated into the living room.

"So, maybe you can explain what's going on here," Roy went on.

"Well, it's a long story, and one I really wasn't planning on going over again," I sighed, absently lifting my arm so Cassie could crawl onto my lap.

"Mind if I sit in on this? I knew something was going on, but I sure wasn't expecting _this_," Ike said.

I waved a hand dismissively. Right now, I didn't care if the President himself popped in with the Senate and all his bodyguards. I was just tired. And I was still sort of hung up on somehow walking away completely unharmed from a hit-and-run.

I laid out The Story again, finding a couple extra details here and there, complete with dramatic hand gestures. Almost everyone in the room who wasn't related to me watched me intently. I think that Ed, Al, and Ling were interested to hear the story again, perhaps looking for more clues. Ike, though he'd asked to stick around, seemed almost like he wasn't paying attention, and was watching the FMA characters. Roy, it seemed, was completely dissecting me with just his eyes. I'd never realized how much of a laser gaze he had just by watching the show.

"…So right now the main goal is to fix the chain letter and send everyone back where they belong. Until then, we're all under a truce not to kill anybody," I finished.

"Not kill anyone?" Roy repeated, with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, yeah. Certain individuals are more psychotic and less valuing of human life than the rest of us," I said, subconsciously glancing at the living room. Roy followed my gaze, then we turned back to each other.

"Hmm," Roy said. "Fullmetal? Your opinion?"

Ed started, as if surprised to be called on, but seemed to think for a minute. "Well, it sounds crazy, but we believe it. We've seen too many unexplainable things. And it's too elaborate to be lies," he said.

Roy seemed to think about this for a moment.

"Joey?" Cassie said, twisting around in my lap to face me.

"Yeah?"

"Ricky looks sick." She pointed. I looked up at Ricky, then did a double take. Ricky looked more than sick - he looked like he was about to pass out.

"Ricky, what's wrong?" I asked worriedly.

"Nothing- I'm okay, I-" Ricky proved how okay he was by dropping like a rock before he could say another word.

"Holy shit!" I yelled, jumping to my feet and dislodging Cassie. I dropped down next to my brother and checked his pulse, then his forehead. In a few moments, Al was kneeling next to me. Cassie clung to my shirt, looking scared. "Ricky, can you hear me? Wake up! Hey, come on!"

"We should get him to the hospital," Al said, sounding worried.

I nodded, swallowing hard. I dug into my skirt pocket and pulled out my cell.

The house phone rang.

We all looked up and over at it. Somehow, the ringing seemed very ominous. Ike was the first to break the frozen silence by going over and picking up the receiver. "Jones residence?" he said, like he wasn't sure where we were. "Oh! I'm doing all right, yourself?…Actually, it's a terrible time, Ricky just passed out…Oh, well sure." He turned and held the phone out to me. "It's your mom," he said.

I blinked, confused. Hadn't Ike just told her about Ricky? Why was she wanting to talk to me, instead of calling 911 and the hospital and the Secret Service and the FBI? But I managed to get up, crossed the room, and took the phone. "Mom?"

_"Hi, Joey. Ike tells me Ricky lost consciousness."_

"Yeah, I was just about to call the hospital·"

_"You don't need to, honey, he'll be fine."_

I was speechless. Everyone watched my gaping face, trying to figure out what was going on. When I finally got my voice back, I said more than I had planned. "What the _hell_, Mom? 'He'll be fine'? He just fell out right in front of me!"

_"I know."_

"We need to call an ambulance! Who knows what could be happening to him!"

_"Joey, you really shouldn't overreact. I've raised you better than this."_

"Who are you and where's the concerned parent I should be talking to?"

Mom laughed, like Ricky hadn't just passed out and wasn't possibly about to die. _"I know this must sound crazy. But from now on, I would appreciate it if none of you left the house unless it's an emergency. That includes Ike, since he's there now too."_

Once again, I was speechless.

_"I'm sorry, Joey. I guess this just sounds like me being a nut job. But it means something, honest. I'll explain once I'm back home. But for now, just promise you'll all stay on the property at least?"_

I managed to speak, and my voice was shaky. "Mom, I…I don't understand."

_"I know, and it's okay. Why don't you check on Ricky now?"_

I slowly turned away from the wall, just in time to hear Cassie exclaim, "He's alive!" Sure enough, Ricky was sitting up with help from Al, rubbing his head and looking slightly confused.

"What happened?" Ricky asked.

"Looks like you lost it for a second there," Ike said, walking over. "How's your head? Did you bang it on the floor?"

Ricky absently let Cassie fling her arms around his neck. "I guess," he mumbled.

I watched this scene with growing confusion - and as I reflect on it now, growing suspicion - stunned into silence yet again. I sensed a presence next to me, and I turned to see that Roy had come up beside me.

"Is it all right if I speak to your mother?" he asked.

I nodded dumbly and held the phone out to him, for once feeling that I was truly in over my head. Forget any reservations I had before - I was more than ready to let a responsible adult start taking charge.

Roy put the phone to his ear. "This is Colonel Roy Mustang. I assume this is Joey's mother…Considering the circumstances, I could be better. You seem to have some of the answers here…"

Al and Ike were helping Ricky to his feet, which was tough to do since Cassie refused to let go of him. Ling was watching them contemplatively. Ed had noticed Roy on the phone and was now coming over. And Lust and Envy were still MIA. Also, I had a killer headache.

"Perhaps this is a sign," Ling suddenly said to me.

"A sign of what? How ridiculous this whole situation is?" I replied, frowning.

"Did you ever consider that delaying returning us to where we belong could have consequences?" Ling said.

I stared at him. Honestly, the thought had never even crossed my mind. "No…" I said faintly.

"You might want to think about it now," he said.

"What?" Roy said. Actually, it was a lot more significant than "said". It was more like "growled like he wanted to shout but was concerned about drawing attention so instead it passed through gritted teeth" or something. I turned to look at him in surprise, and he looked pretty pissed, actually. What in the world had Mom said to upset him?

My head was starting to hurt more. "What's going on?" I asked Roy.

He didn't answer. He seemed to be concentrating on whatever Mom was saying. Finally he spit out a "Fine" and held the phone out to me. I took it, giving him a suspicious frown, and put the receiver to my ear. "Mom?"

_"So it seems like the situation's getting pretty tense over there. I know you can do it, though. Just keep your head and follow your hunches, those are usually pretty good,"_ Mom said.

"I guess," I sighed.

_"Have a little more faith in yourself. The chainletter might be acting strange, but I'm sure you can figure it out. And don't put so much responsibility on Ricky."_

"Sure, Mom."

_"All right, I'll call later. Bye, Joey."_

"Bye." I hung up with another sigh and turned to face the others. A moment passed before I froze and whirled back towards the phone. "Hold on a damn second-!"

I hadn't told Mom about the chain letter. I hadn't told Mom about _anything_. Like a moron, I'd just willy-nilly let her talk to Roy Mustang, who didn't officially exist here, but somehow, she knew even more than that.

I grabbed up the phone and quickly dialed her cell back. There was a brief silence, and then, _"The number you have reached is not in service at the moment…"_

_What?_ I hung up, then tried again. Same thing. I pulled out my cell, scrolled down to _Mom_, and pushed Send. Same thing again.

_But how did she know? How the hell did she know?_

"Joey?" Ricky's bewildered voice asked as I called Mom's office and got her answering machine. _"You have reached Andrea Jones. I am currently out of town until…"_

"What are you doing?" Ed's voice said next.

"Shut up for a second!" I snapped absently, hanging up. Out of desperation, I dialed Aunt Judy, who I was only supposed to call if Mom was dead on the side of the road. The phone actually rang, but she didn't pick up. I tried one last time to call Mom's cell, checking my own to make absolutely certain I dialed the right number. I did, and I got the same thing for the fourth time.

When I finally turned my attention away from the phone, I saw everybody staring at me. I, in turn, whirled on Roy. "What did she say?" I wanted to know. "What did my mom say to you on the phone?"

Roy scowled at me. "That's none of your business," he said.

"Like hell it is! You're in my house, you asshole! Tell me right now or-"

"Or what?" he challenged, his voice sharp.

I paused, not sure on how I planned to follow through on my threat to him, but knowing I was getting pissed myself.

"_Joey_!" Ricky shouted, finally getting my attention for real. "What's going _on_?"

I heaved a big breath and let it out in an exasperated noise. "I don't even _know_. I don't even- oh, screw it." I stomped out of the room and upstairs. Before I was out of earshot, I heard Roy say, "Is she always like this?"

* * *

Sitting crosslegged on my bed, I opened up a new blank document on the laptop. I manually copied the chain letter, then manually pasted it into the document. Once again, I got a chunk of nonsense text and symbols. I think there were even a few Japanese kanji in there.

"Dammit! What _is_ this?" I growled. I'd been trying to re-send the chain letter for about an hour. It was ruined in the saved draft, where every answer in the form was _ERROR_. But whenever I tried to put it someplace where I could edit it, it turned into nonsense. I'd considered typing it out myself, but I was pretty sure that my fingers didn't contain the magical properties needed to make the stupid thing work.

I drummed my fingers on my knee. I couldn't figure out what I needed to do to make this work. I'd tried calling my mom again, figuring that if she wanted to be Omniscient Mom today I'd totally let her and ask for help, but her phone was still "out of service" and "unavailable at this time", which pissed me off even more.

At least Ricky, Cassie, and the others had been gracious enough to leave me alone while I wrangled with the laptop. If anyone had come through the door right then I just might have hurled them out the window.

With a heavy sigh, I let myself fall backwards and land on my pillows, my arms crossed over my eyes. I didn't understand this at all. Why was this so difficult and terrible? You'd think the chance to interact with the characters of one of your favorite animes would be the coolest thing ever. But I'd never been so tired and angry and generally frustrated in such a short period of time.

After a few moments of lying there, trying to think of nothing at all, there was a soft knock on the door. I lifted my arms and looked at my door. "Enter if you dare," I called, half afraid it would be a new FMA character.

The door opened, and Ricky poked his head in. "Hey," I said, sitting up. "How do you feel?"

"Like nothing happened, honestly," Ricky said. He seemed relieved that I hadn't yelled at him or something, and came all the way in. My eyes brightened when I saw he'd brought a glass of juice and a bowl of chips. "I thought you might want a snack to, you know, recharge or something," he went on.

"Just what I need. Thanks," I said, eagerly taking the snacks.

Ricky sat on the bed as I sipped the juice. "So, any luck with that?" he asked, pointing at the laptop's screen.

"Nah," I sighed, swirling the juice around. "It's just not working at all. It's ridiculous."

"What do you think we should do?" Ricky asked.

"Honestly, I don't even know. This is driving me nuts." I crunched down on a few chips thoughtfully.

Ricky shifted the laptop into his lap and examined the many documents and e-mail drafts filled with the wall of gobbledygook as I finished my juice and worked on the chips. "So what was that with Mom, anyway? You kind of freaked everybody out," Ricky said after a while.

I swallowed the mouthful of chips and sighed. "Well, apparently Mom knows what's going on, and not only is she giving me totally useless advice about what to do, but I tried calling her back and it's like her cell number doesn't even exist."

Ricky stared at me. "Are you serious?"

"I am." I crunched into another chip.

"I'm really confused now."

"Me too."

We sat together in silence for a minute or two, and Ricky helped me finish off the chips.

"So what's up? Seems like something's on your mind," I said to him.

He nodded. "You know downstairs, when I…well, I guess I passed out…"

I nodded in encouragement.

"Well, that's not how I remember it. You know how it feels when you're just coming out of a dream and you're kind of in the dream and in your bed at the same time? Well, that's what it was like."

"Yeah? So you were half in the kitchen and half…where?" I asked.

Ricky scratched his head. "That's the crazy part. It was like I was standing in a restaurant, and there were people eating and stuff. But it was weird, the colors were…brighter, you know, more vivid, like…"

"Like someone turned up the color meter on a TV?" I guessed.

"Yeah! Just like that! I kind of stared around for a second, and then I woke up on the floor of the kitchen," Ricky finished.

I shook my head. "Ricky-"

"I know, I know, it sounds nuts. Maybe it was a dream, but it felt really real," Ricky said.

"No, that isn't it. That's how I got mowed over by that asshole."

Ricky blinked.

"I was crossing a crosswalk with Cassie, and all of a sudden, we weren't here, we were in what I'm pretty damn sure was Amestris."

"Wait, w-what?" Ricky exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know. I wouldn't have believed it, but two guys in the military uniform walked by, and I'd know that thing anywhere. Now that I think about it more, we might've even been in Central."

"So, not only are we still transporting FMA characters here, we're transporting ourselves over there too?" Ricky said.

That was sure what it looked like. "Ling said that the longer we fail to put everyone back where they belong, the worse it's gonna get, and I think that's a pretty good theory."

"But the chainletter's busted, so how do we fix everything?" Ricky asked.

"Maybe Mom could tell us, if she wasn't being so damned evasive," I sighed. _But how does she even know about all of this in the first place? That's what's bugging me the most._

"So…what's the plan?" Ricky asked.

"The plan is, we find some answers one way or another. Which means – ugh - we need to talk to EdwardsWife77 again."

Another knock on the door. "Enter if you dare," I said again.

The door opened, and Cassie poked her head in. "Joey," she said, "Ed's powers aren't working."

* * *

"What do you mean, 'not working'?" I demanded.

"Just what I said. I can't do alchemy for some reason," Ed shot back, scowling.

Ricky, holding the laptop under one arm, shot me a glance. "Okay. How did you find this out?" I asked Ed.

Ed yanked his coat off the back of the living room couch and displayed a tear in the side, just under the armpit. "I was trying to fix this," he said.

"I told you not to pull on that thread, Brother," Al said.

Ed just glared at him.

"So, was there light and no result, or no light whatsoever?" I asked.

"Nothing. It was like if you clapped _your_ hands and tried to transmute something," Ed said.

I could easily imagine the results of that. "Just what we need, more complications," I groaned, putting my hand on my forehead.

"'More'?" Ed and Ling said in unison, followed shortly by Ed glaring at Ling.

"Yeah, more. The chain letter's being an ass," I sort-of explained.

"Maybe if I work on it some, something will come up," Ricky suggested.

I shrugged. "We've got nothing to lose."

Cassie tugged on my arm. "Can we have lunch?" she asked.

I checked my watch, which was still broken, so I checked my cell instead. "It's closer to dinnertime than lunchtime," I said, "but whatever. Maybe food will do us some good."

"I agree!" Ling said wholeheartedly.

I pointed a finger at him. "You get three servings, that's it. I'd like to avoid going grocery shopping as long as possible."

Ling looked so disappointed I almost wanted to take it back. But I held my ground, and went into the kitchen. Some cooking would probably help me sort out my thoughts anyway. I hoped Mom would deign to call soon, so we could get some answers. Honestly, I was kind of pissed at her for being all vague and unreachable anyway, especially when I felt like I'd be reaching my breaking point pretty soon.

Add to that the chainletter's malfunctioning, Roy's strange, angry silence, and Ed's sudden lack of alchemy, and things were just getting crazier than ever. At this point, I was surprised that the roof hadn't fallen on our heads and that the neighborhood hadn't burst into flame. Since everything else wanted to go south, why not?

Speaking of fire…

I poked my head back out of the kitchen. "Colonel Mustang?"

He looked up from where he sat on the couch, looking like the perfect definition of the word "cross".

"Is _your_ alchemy working?"

For a brief moment, his angry glare changed into a contemplative look. "I don't know," he said, starting to scan the room.

"Try it in there." I pointed at the fireplace, which was still filled with ashes and the remains of firewood from last winter.

While the rest of us watched, Roy put on one of his special gloves, stretched his arm out towards the fireplace, and snapped. Nothing. Not even an alchemical crackle.

"Oh, God Almighty in freaking Heaven," I sighed.

"So _no_ alchemy's working anymore?" Ricky said, throwing up his free hand in exasperation.

"How interesting," I heard Lust say, and when I turned around, startled, there she and Envy were, sitting at the kitchen table.

"Where the hell did you come from?" I demanded.

"We were out for a stroll," Envy said with a yawn.

I blinked at them. "…Okay…so why did you come back?"

"Lust got hit by a car," Envy answered.

My brows went up, and I focused on Lust. She didn't _look_ like she'd been mowed over by some other asshole behind the wheel, but that was probably thanks to regeneration. "Yeah? And you didn't stab the guy or anything?"

Lust looked away from me, almost like she was embarrassed. It took me a few seconds to get it. "Ohhh…your nails of death didn't work, huh?"

"I'd like to know what the hell is wrong with your world, that our powers keep going on and off," Envy said irritably.

"Don't ask me." I glanced at Ricky, who shrugged also.

"So is this going to keep happening?" Ed wanted to know, keeping a wary eye on the Homunculi.

"Once again, don't ask me. I don't have any expertise in the wishy-washy powers of fictional characters," I snorted, turning back to the fridge.

Ricky settled down in the living room, Cassie glued to his side, and flipped open the laptop. Ed joined him. Ling entered the kitchen, eyeing the Homunculi and the fridge with equal interest. Envy gave him a glare that clearly meant "turn your attention elsewhere before I kick you in the face".

"No fisticuffs," I said as I pulled the stack of pizza boxes out of the fridge. "Damn, I'll probably need to order more pizza after this."

I didn't really notice that Ike had taken off until I'd started doling out leftover pizza and chicken, and I didn't particularly care either.

* * *

"Joey?"

"Yeah, Cassie?"

"When are these people going to get out of our house?"

I sighed and ruffled Cassie's hair. "As soon as possible, I hope. I'd love to kick them all out on the street, but who knows what would happen then."

We were sitting on the porch bench outside, sort-of stargazing. Cassie was snuggled into my side, a favorite position of hers lately. It seemed whenever the Homunculi were around, she took cover in either my or Ricky's side. Though I didn't blame her at all; Envy had probably traumatized her for life that first day.

The laptop was open on the seat next to me, and every few minutes I'd try something to see if I could get results. But I was still stuck useless nonsense text, and it was extremely annoying. Inside, Ricky was assigning people sleeping areas and trying to find enough blankets and pillows. Ed and Al were helping him keep things under wraps, which I appreciated. The loss of their powers seemed to make Lust and Envy more irritable, but slightly more manageable, Roy was still in "stony silence" mode, and Ling was more agreeable, but still seemed like he would get into trouble any second.

Ricky seemed to recognize that I needed a few minutes away from Hijacked-By-FMA-Land to cool off, or I'd blow up, so he'd shooed me outside with the computer and told me to work on it. Cassie had gone with me, probably for some cool off time of her own.

"I want it to just be us three again," Cassie mumbled, sitting up to rub her face.

"Me too," I said. I tilted my head back and looked at the stars. They looked nice, and all starry-like. I tried to find the Big Dipper, but I guess my eyes were too tired, so I gave up after a few minutes. Instead, I closed my eyes and willed my awful headache to go away.

Instead of my headache going away, the bench went away. I landed on the hard ground with an "Oof!" and then a "What the _hell_?"

My eyes snapped open, and I tried to make sense of what had just happened. Suddenly, I wasn't on the porch anymore. I was on the hard ground, and it looked like the neighborhood trees had all decided to surround me.

"Oww…God-stupid-whatever-the-hell-just-happened…ow…" I grumbled, sitting up and rubbing my sore rear.

"Freeze!"

I froze all right, at the click of a gun. My hands went up immediately. "Don't shoot!" I cried.

My captor walked around to face me, and I had swallow a…something. A scream, probably. A yell, maybe. A string of cuss words that would put a pissed-off sailor to shame, very likely.

"Where's the colonel?" Riza Hawkeye demanded.

My mouth gaped like a fish's. I couldn't quite figure if I had been warped to Amestris or if Riza had been warped to my place. Considering I was suddenly lacking my whole house, that should have been obvious, but I had a headache and was still stunned from the fall and the gun and everything.

"Answer me!" Riza shouted.

I found my voice. "I don't know what you're talking about!" I yelled.

Riza looked like she didn't believe me. "So you just happened to suddenly appear in the exact same spot where Colonel Mustang disappeared?" she said skeptically.

"W-Well, I…"

"Lieutenant!" a distant voice yelled.

"Over here!" Riza called without taking her eyes off me. To me, she said, "If you don't want to answer my questions now, you can do so in Interrogation, back at Headquarters."

I was finding my breath again. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," I said.

"Try me," said Riza.

"I…can't. Like I said, you wouldn't believe me."

Riza looked frustrated. "Don't move," she instructed. "Keep your hands where I can see them." She moved closer, reached out, and grabbed me by the arm. With her pulling and me pushing, I got to my feet. I could still feel the gun on me, even though it wasn't actually touching me.

"W-Where are we?" I asked, nervous now.

"The outskirts of Central," Riza said shortly. "And you have a lot of explaining—"

And just like that, I was back on the porch, and Cassie was staring at me. Except Riza was with me.

"—to…to…" Riza trailed off as she realized that things were very different.

"I told you that you wouldn't believe me if I told you," I muttered.

"What in the world…? What is this? Where did you take us?" Riza wanted to know.

"Look, Lieutenant Hawkeye, I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't even show up there on purpose. I was minding my own business sitting on this porch when—oh, dammit to hell! Now I'm going to have to go through that stupid explanation again!" I exclaimed, frustrated.

"What are you talking about?" Riza said.

"Joey? Why is Lieu-tanner Hawkeye holding you hostage?" Cassie asked.

Ricky opened the front door. "Joey? I heard you bellowing, what's wrong now—gah!" He saw Riza behind me and his eyes nearly fell out of his head.

"Ricky, would you go get Roy?" I asked him with a sigh. Ricky nodded rapidly and ducked back inside.

"The colonel's here?" Riza said quickly.

"Yeah. You wanna, um, follow me into the house? And not blow my brains out?"

"Not until I see the colonel," Riza said.

Roy slammed the door open at that precise moment. "Lieutenant!" he barked.

"Sir! You're all right," Riza said, sounding relieved.

"As much as I can be right now."

"What happened to you? You vanished into thin air…"

"…And wound up here," Roy finished for her. "It's actually quite an interesting story."

Ed's head appeared next. "Lieutenant Hawkeye," he said in surprise.

"Edward?" Riza said in even more surprise.

"What's with the gun on Joey?" Ed asked.

I looked cautiously over my shoulder to see Riza eyeing me. "I swear I'm not holding them hostage with my evil teleportation powers," I said to her.

"It's all right, Lieutenant. She's partially at fault for us being here, but it wasn't on purpose," Roy added.

_Thanks a lot, jerk, _I thought.

Riza looked from me to him and back, then finally lowered the gun. My legs felt like jelly, and I gratefully lowered my aching arms. "So, um…like I said, wanna come in and hear the whole sordid, stupid, annoying story?" I invited.

* * *

Zilo: I'll have you all know, I was going to end it at "'Where's the colonel?' Riza Hawkeye demanded." but Chizi told me that was WROOOOONG.

Chizi: Because it is, especially when you took your sweet time updating.

Zilo: LIFE! LIFE DID IT! LIFE!

Chizi: Yeah, yeah…now it's my turn to procrastinate.

Zilo: Not like me, okay?

Chizi: I don't think I could possibly top this lateness…

Zilo: MEAN! MEAN TO THE CO-AUTHORESS! MEAN!

Chizi: (shrugs)


	11. Operation Midnight Madness

Zilo: Oho! A little faster this time!

Chizi: Hopefully a continuing trend.

Zilo: Yep yep! So, thanks and candy to **DarkmoonTenshioAzara, KingofHeartless, The Name Is Greed, Tailsdoll, Zorva, alchemical luminescence, Salamander B. Hat, AnAveragePerson, KW07, SilverMoonKitty, Takara Fujioka, Shinigami's-Neko-GakI, AbbyInUnderland, Supernovocaine, Owlgrrl, fictionalcharacterwish,** and **Moka-girl** for reviewing! It's so awesome to hear reviewers' comments, concrit, praise, reactions, guesses, and random weird exclamations!

Chizi: Yeah okay don't go overboard. It's chapter time, folks.

* * *

**11: Operation Midnight Madness**  
_in which Mom is disappointed_

I looked cautiously over my shoulder to see Riza eyeing me. "I swear I'm not holding them hostage with my evil teleportation powers," I said to her.

"It's all right, Lieutenant. She's partially at fault for us being here, but it wasn't on purpose," Roy added.

_Thanks a lot, jerk,_ I thought.

Riza looked from me to him and back, then finally lowered the gun. My legs felt like jelly, and I gratefully lowered my aching arms. "So, um…like I said, wanna come in and hear the whole sordid, stupid, annoying story?" I invited. 

* * *

"That sounds fairly ridiculous," Riza said.

"Yeah, well…" I shrugged.

"It is true," Ricky added.

Riza glanced at Roy. "I won't go so far as to say there's no other explanation, but as complicated as this one is, it does makes some things make more sense," Roy said.

"I saw Ed appear right in front of me," Al said helpfully.

"It's the only working option we've got right now," Ed put in.

Riza looked thoughtful, but still unsure.

"Hey, if you want to come up with another explanation, I don't care. I'd love to believe this was all an elaborate dream," I said.

"It still doesn't explain why…_they_ are behaving so inoffensively," Riza said, indicating where Lust and Envy were once again in the living room.

"They're sort of being held under a truce. They don't break any commandments, and I don't strand them here in a foreign universe," I explained.

"And how long will that last?" Riza wanted to know.

"Hopefully long enough."

Riza looked skeptical. "I know, I know, it's not a perfect idea, but it's all I've got. And it's working for now," I said. I didn't mention the new set of problems that had cropped up, namely Mom being an elusive psychic, and that the universe-hopping seemed to be getting worse.

"Sir?" Riza said, looking again to Roy.

Roy shrugged. "It's all we've got for now."

Riza still looked unsure about it all, but she sighed and nodded.

I let out a sigh of relief. "Well, great. Welcome to the Jones household, population: way too many at the moment. I guess we should find you a place to sleep for the night."

"The living room's kinda full," Ricky said.

"Eh, that's fine, it's full of guys anyway. The lieutenant can sleep in Mom's room," I said.

"You sure?" Ricky asked me.

"Oh, totally. Besides, she's the only one out of this group I'd trust in there."

Roy looked like he wasn't sure if he should be offended at that moment. Ed just scowled, like he didn't appreciate it either way. 

* * *

So, assimilating Riza into the ever-growing household was surprisingly easy. She was like a less violent version of Lust—she seemed most interested in observing and taking in all the sights, figuring everything out. After I showed her Mom's room, she went back downstairs to talk with Roy.

I'd already sent Ricky and Cassie to bed, though Cassie had insisted she wanted to sleep in my room again. After talking briefly to Al, who promised he'd keep an eye on everyone this time, I took myself and the laptop up to my room as well. My headache had gone away, which I was grateful for, and everyone seemed to be, if not getting along, at least tolerating each other's presence. It was actually going a little too well. So I steeled myself for something hideously terrible to happen.

And something hideously terrible did indeed happen. It was worse than more FMA characters popping up. Worse than me getting hit by a car. Worse, in fact, than that time Ricky got really sick and I was sure he had rabies and would die after infecting the rest of us.

Someone called me in the middle of the night and woke me up.

"What the hell do you want?" I mumbled into the phone, after I'd found it, fumbled it open, and stopped trying to talk into the wrong end.

_"Joey."_ It was Ike.

"Dude, do you realize what time it is? I ought to kill you," I grumbled.

_"I think your house is being watched,"_ Ike said.

"…What?" I said, starting to wake up.

_"I think your house is being watched,"_ Ike said again.

I sat up a little more, and Cassie shifted against my side. "What do you mean? What gives you that idea?" I wanted to know.

_"I'm not sure I—"_ There was a rustle, and what sounded like a voice, then silence. I pulled the phone away from my ear and saw that the connection had broken.

_What the…hell?_

Well, now that Ike had destroyed my field of dreams with the seeds of paranoia, I couldn't just turn over and go back to sleep. I rolled out of bed, being careful not to disturb Cassie, and got up.

My first move was to peek through my blinds. I don't know if I expected to see a giant neon sign pointing me towards my possible watcher, but nothing looked out of the ordinary on the street. Feeling irritated, I left my room, closing the door securely behind me.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but if someone was watching the house like Ike said, I needed to find out who and why. I was banking on the fact that Ike wouldn't call me in the middle of the night if it was just a stupid joke, but if it was, I would set him on fire the next time I saw him.

I threw on a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants over my nightshirt and quietly made my way down the stairs, going mostly by feel since no lights were on. It was quiet in the living room, which meant everyone was either asleep or dead. I could hear some breathing, and the sound of the clock ticking. It was so quiet and peaceful that for a moment I felt like the stress on me was easing up just a bit. Nothing like some good peace and quiet to help a person unwind a little.

"Well, you really don't blink, do you?" Envy's voice said, shattering my Zen feelings.

I headed for the living room, where his voice was coming from. He spoke again. "But then, I guess you _can't_, can you?"

"If you're trying to make me angry, it's not going to work," Al's voice said.

"Huh," Envy's voice sneered.

"Envy, stop wasting your time," Lust's voice said next.

"You know, it really is a shame you're stuck in that tin can," Envy's voice went on, ignoring Lust. "I'd love to knock you out right now, but I couldn't do that unless I killed you. Unfortunately, I'm supposed to be leaving you two alive. Lucky you."

"It's still not working," Al's voice said. "I promised Joey I'd keep an eye on you guys, and that's what I'm doing."

"Oh, come on, what's the harm? We're under that ridiculous truce just like you. We aren't doing anything," Envy's voice said.

"Right, I believe that."

"Envy, please. I'm getting a headache," Lust grumbled.

"What's this? And it's not going away?"

"If you'd be quiet, I'm sure it would."

There was a moment's silence.

"So, lost your powers then?" Ling's voice suddenly spoke.

"Oh shut it, stupid prince," Envy said, sounding a little too much like Ed for my comfort.

"Hmmm. That's very interesting," Ling said.

"You had better stop looking at me, or you'll regret it," Lust warned him.

"Oh, pardon me. I can't help but be curious," said Ling.

This was so weirdly normal that I almost laughed. Here were these guys who'd probably be trying to kill each other in a normal situation, sitting around talking like…well, not friends, but maybe disgruntled co-workers. And in my living room, of all things.

"Will you all shut up? I'm trying to sleep," Ed's sleepy voice grumbled.

"Sorry, Brother."

"Tough luck, pipsqueak."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL—"

"Hey! Keep it down!" I said, finally poking my head into the room. "There _are_ people still asleep in the house."

Ed, who was lying on the air mattress pushed up against the couch, glared at me. So did Envy, who sat crosslegged on the floor, and Lust, who sat in the desk chair that used to be stationed by the bathroom. Al, sitting dutifully on the centrally-located couch, turned to me. "Did we wake you up?" he asked, sounding apologetic.

"Nah. It was my phone that did it. Actually…" I considered the group.

"Something wrong?" Ling asked from the armchair.

"Maybe, maybe not. Ike just called and told me someone's watching the house," I said.

"Really? How come?" Al asked.

"No idea. But I'll find out one way or another. I'm gonna canvass the neighborhood," I said firmly.

"You honestly think you'll find whoever this is, if there even is someone?" Envy said derisively.

"Damn straight. And then I'll break their legs."

"You're so violent," Lust commented, like an exasperated babysitter.

"Look who's talking," I muttered, heading for the pantry. I rifled through the odds and ends on the bottom shelf until I came up with the last working flashlight in the house.

"You're not going out there alone, are you?" Al asked.

"Well…no. I wasn't planning on it. Ummm…" I turned, realizing I'd been assuming I'd get some help and not even thinking if I should ask. "Ed, and…Ling, would you go with me?"

"Why him?" Ed asked, throwing back the covers and getting up. I was relieved to see he was automatically agreeing to go.

"Ling's good at sensing…aura-things, right, Ling?"

"Well yes, it _is_ one of my many talents," Ling said, holding his chin in a rather arrogant pose.

I'm fairly sure I could hear Ed's eyes rolling in the dark as he located his coat and threw it on. 

* * *

So Ling, Ed, and I left the house through the back door, while Al promised to hold down the fort. It was a fairly warm night with a little breeze, and the moon was almost full, shining down on us through a clear, cloudless sky, as stars twinkled all around it. It would have been an awesome night for stargazing, but there was a mission at hand.

"So what's the plan?" Ling whispered as he tiptoed after me in an exaggerated fashion, probably mocking the way I was tiptoeing in a slightly less exaggerated fashion.

"Split up, search, find the perp, interrogate him violently," I whispered back.

"Perp?" Ed repeated at a normal volume, walking beside us completely normally.

"Perpetrator. Villain. Asshole. Take your pick."

"Oh."

"Do you know where he might be in general?" Ling asked.

"Well, it's gotta be someplace where he can watch the house easily without being detected," I said.

"But this is a _neighborhood_. He could be in one of the houses," Ed pointed out.

"So we're going to break into one?" Ling asked.

"Uh…not if we can help it," I said. I hadn't gotten a criminal record yet, and I didn't want to start now.

"So you don't really have a plan," Ling guessed.

"Of course I do! I just told you we'd—"

"That doesn't help us _find_ the guy," Ed said.

"Just shut up! You two are no help! I should've brought those crotchety Homunculi for all the assistance I'm getting!" I snapped, instead of admitting they had good points.

"Don't take being unprepared out on us," Ed shot back.

"Look, I'll go up and see what I can find, all right?" Ling sounded slightly exasperated, and when I turned around to see if he was, he was gone.

"The sneaky little bastard moves pretty fast," Ed commented, eyes on the sky. He'd probably seen Ling's departure.

"Yeah." I deflated slightly. I wasn't feeling too great now. I hadn't meant to snap at them, I just don't like admitting I'm wrong. It's not one of my strong points.

Ed glanced at me, then past me to the street. "Come on. Let's not let that dumb prince show us up."

I cracked a smile. "Aye aye. Let's go find us a perp."

We made it onto the street and started to explore the neighborhood. I realized I had absolutely no idea what I was looking for, but it felt good to be doing something other than trying to juggle the expanding household. It felt like I was on a real mission, and even though it wasn't likely anything would get accomplished, I was glad for it.

"See anything indicating a house-watching freak?" I asked after we'd circled the house and started to expand our perimeter.

"Nope. He's probably watching us run around in circles and laughing his ass off," Ed commented.

"Yeah. I hope he chokes on his chuckles, the jerk."

"So I found the guy," Ling said, dropping behind us.

I stopped abruptly, halfway into a turn with the flashlight brandished in my fist. "Holy shit, don't scare me like that, you little—!" I gasped.

"Where?" Ed asked, having recovered a little faster than me.

"He's on a neighboring rooftop porch. He's got a fancy telescope and everything," Ling said.

"Where?"

Ling pointed to the house across the street from mine. I felt dumb. That house was vacant, and currently had a For Sale sign in the yard. Why hadn't I thought of that?

"If he's watching, he knows we've found him," Ed said.

"Then let's rush the guy before he can get down. If we cover all the doors, he won't get away," I said, already starting towards the house at a jog.

"There's only two doors, front and back. It shouldn't be a problem," Ling said confidently.

"Good! And then it's answer time!"

We quickly reached the house, and Ed split from Ling and me to cover the back door. I tried the front door, but it was locked, so I tried the front windows. They were locked, but one hadn't been locked correctly, so with a little shoving and jiggling, I was able to get my fingers into a crack between window and sill. The window screeched in protest as I jammed it up, and I winced but kept going.

When the crack was just big enough, Ling slipped in easily. Inside, he unlocked the door, and I entered.

The house was empty and eerily quiet. I followed Ling, holding my flashlight like a weapon. Maybe this was the part where the horror movie monster appeared and jammed an ax in my face.

Fortunately, though, that didn't happen. We met Ed at the stairs. "Nobody in the back," he said.

"Then we've got the bastard cold!" I said triumphantly.

"As long as he didn't throw himself off the roof," Ling added.

We went upstairs. Ed and Ling were as quiet as ghosts, while it seemed like my feet found every single creak in the wood. "Okay," Ed said when we were at the top, "Joey, you guard the stairs. We'll check all the rooms. If you see the guy making a break for it, yell."

"Okay," I agreed.

Ed and Ling headed into different rooms, while I stood in the direct center of the top of the stairs, flashlight ready. The moon shone through all the bare windows, making it fairly easy to see, though there were shadows everywhere. I debated turning on my flashlight, trying to figure out if seeing better outweighed alerting the perp where I was.

In the end, I decided to keep my flashlight off and be as quiet as possible. Maybe, if the perp tried to make a run for it, I could surprise him.

And just as I was thinking this, I got the sudden feeling that someone was near me. I turned abruptly, my finger automatically moving to switch the flashlight on. I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders, and suddenly I was shoved backwards.

And yes, I was still standing at the top of the stairs with my back to them. 

* * *

_"Really, this is not good."_

_"Mom?" I thought-said, or maybe said-thought._

_Dream Mom sighed. "Joey, you really should be more responsible. You should've taken charge and left one of the others to watch the stairs."_

_"Uh…sorry?" I tried._

_I could feel, rather than see, Dream Mom shake her head. "Joey, you're not applying yourself properly. You keep letting others take over. You showed promise when you took charge in selecting the ones to join you, but then you just faltered. I hate to say it, but I'm disappointed."_

_"Well, maybe I'd 'take charge' some more if I knew what the hell was going on!" I burst out. "Mom, seriously, what's happening? All these FMA characters suddenly appearing? And you being all omniscient and secluded?"_

_"You know what to do. I raised you to be a leader," Dream Mom said. "And please, try to stop getting hurt. You only have seventeen more lives, understand?"_

_"Ugh! Even my DREAMS are confusing!" I complained. "I just want things back to normal! Is that so much to ask? Can I just get my house CLEARED OUT already?"_

_"Joey, don't say—"_

* * *

I woke up.

I was lying at the bottom of the stairs, my feet still propped up on the last step. Other than a slight sense of disorientation at lying at the bottom of a flight of stairs, I felt perfectly fine. In fact, I felt slightly superhuman again, like I had when I'd gotten run over by that car.

Slowly, I pushed myself into a sitting position. My stupid flashlight was lying a few steps above me, broken. I realized that the light streaming through the windows was different as well, more orangey.

It took a second for it to click, but I realized that that was because the sun was coming up.

Quickly, I got to my feet. "Ed?" I called, no longer worried about secrecy and quiet. "Ling?"

No answer.

"Guys?" I ran back up the stairs that had failed to murder me. "Hey! _Hey_!" I went to the nearest door and threw it open. An empty bedroom greeted me.

"Ed! Ling! Where are you jerks!" I opened every door in that house and found no one. Getting madder, I stomped out of the house. Had they gone back to my place and just left me? _Oh, I'll ream both of those buttheads if it's the last thing I do—_

I crossed the street, getting madder with every step, and tried the front door. Locked. Of course, we'd gone through the back. Huffing like a pissed-off bull, I stalked around to the back and threw the back door open.

"Hey!" I shouted into the house. "What's the big idea?"

No response. My anger finally started to fizzle into confusion, and I went inside. I checked the living room first, where most of the FMA cast had been congregated. It was empty, blankets strewn, the air mattress lying slightly crooked on the floor.

"…Guys?" I started to feel the first stirrings of fear. I went running up the stairs and to Mom's room. The door was open. The bed looked slept in, but it was empty.

_They're…gone?_

I felt worry. And then, all of a sudden, it dawned on me: they were gone. They were back in the universe they belonged in. Ricky had probably started working on the chain letter again and finally gotten it to cooperate. _I shouldn't be scared—I should be jumping for joy!_

Feeling a grin spread across my face, I left Mom's room and ran to Ricky's. "Hey! Best little brother in the world! Did you finally do it?" I laughed as I opened his door. "I can't believe we finally—"

Ricky's room was empty.

My smile got stuck, as if unsure if it should take off. Slowly, I closed the door, then went to my room. Again, the bed looked slept in, but it was empty. I checked Cassie's room, but it was as vacant as the others.

_Wait…but…_

I ran back downstairs and started a thorough search. "Ricky! Cassie!" I yelled as I tore through room after room. I even checked in cupboards and under beds, like I was It in a demented game of Hide-and-Seek. But I found no one.

The FMA cast was gone, and so were my brother and sister.

_I don't get this. Why are they gone too? What the hell is GOING ON?_

My anger resurfaced, only twice as bad. I slammed the downstairs bathroom door closed. "GUYS!" I hollered. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE!"

Nothing. The air fizzled after my bellow, but no one answered anywhere.

My chest heaving, I whirled, looking for something—someone—anyone—to blame. My fists bunched, and in a wave of fury, I punched the wall, leaving an actual mark and stinging my knuckles.

"GODDAMMIT!" I screamed.

Again, I tore through the house, throwing things left and right. I gave up calling names and instead screamed wordlessly like I was possessed. In Ricky's room, I spotted the laptop, and I grabbed it. I rushed to the stairs, lifted it over my head, and hurled it down with all my might. It bounced off several steps, parts and pieces flying.

"DAMMIT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" I screamed, possibly at the laptop.

The laptop lay in a pathetic heap at the bottom of the stairs, surrounded by fragments of itself that had broken off. The cord had snapped off and whipped a crack into the banister. I stared at it for a few moments and realized I had just broken it.

_Oh my God…what's wrong with me?_

I sat down on the stairs with a slump, still staring at the wreck I'd made of the laptop. Something else was building inside of me. I thought it was more anger, or maybe vomit, but it wasn't until my vision blurred that I realized it was tears.

_Why is this happening to me? Why am I such a moron? Why couldn't this be a normal summer?_

I propped my elbows on my knees, and let my chin sink into my hands. I stared at the blurry, rippling laptop, and decided not to think about anything for a while.

* * *

Chizi: So...angst time?

Zilo: Hey, don't count Joey out yet! There's much more to be developed!

Chizi: All right then, let's see it.

Zilo: Shall do! See you all next time!


	12. Flunkout

Chizi: Well?

Zio: Grr... (pulls out lengthy list of excuses and draws breath)

Chizi: Nevermind. Many thanks to a blank space, **Eryn Goddess Of Chaos, Tailsdoll123, Shinigami's-Neko-Gaki, Supernovocaine, SaiChanTheArtistGirl-Risa, reallyneedsanaccount, RawrznessWolf, DarkmoonTenshiAzara, noone** (we say 7), **Glitterthorn, Lorelei Rinoa, fjrend, LeFay Strent, Rokuchuchu, iGotchicOtaku,** and **Shadow** for your reviews and patience.

Zilo: I was almost at that point...

Chizi: Yeah, yeah. Now here's another chapter.

* * *

**12: Flunkout**

_In which a weird rank is introduced _

I sat down on the stairs with a stump, still staring at the wreck I'd made of the laptop. Something else was building inside of me. I thought it was more anger, or maybe vomit, but it wasn't until my vision blurred that I realized it was tears.

_Why is this happening to me? Why am I such a moron? Why couldn't this be a normal summer?_

I propped my elbows on my knees, and let my chin sink into my hands. I stared at the blurry, rippling laptop, and decided not to think about anything for a while.

Eventually I got bored.

_Okay. So the house is empty now. I get that. And I just Hulked the laptop to pieces. Fine. None of it's gonna get fixed with me sitting here like a wimp._ So I stood up, brushed off my rear, and went downstairs. I looked down solemnly at the laptop, then picked up all the pieces I could find and, cradling them as best I could in my arms, headed for the basement.

I hadn't been down there since Envy popped up, and it looked as messy as usual. Things might have been a little rearranged from Envy's tantrums, but really, you couldn't top the original clutter. I set the busted laptop on the last clear spot on a worktable shoved into the corner and started to dig through the ancient electronics section of the basement. Eventually I unearthed it from underneath a broken treadmill and Cassie's old EZ Bake oven-the old family computer. It had eventually been deposited down here once it had gotten clogged up with viruses and lost its speed. Technically, I owned a laptop, but it was conveniently in the shop getting debugged.

I lugged the bulky monitor upstairs, the keyboard balanced on top. It took a second trip to drag up the heavy tower. I re-assembled it in the living room, settling down on the floor as it booted up.

I wasn't sure why everyone was gone, but the last course of action we'd planned was to get in touch with EdwardsWife77. Maybe she would have an idea what had happened. I could only guess that it was some sort of massive chainletter backfire that sucked them all up into Amestris. I hoped that the good guys would protect Ricky and Cassie until I could find a way to get them back.

As I waited for the desktop to finish loading, I went upstairs, took a quick shower, and changed into a black polo and khakis. I was combing the tangles out of my hair when I heard my cell go off with Mom's ringtone. I dropped my brush and grabbed my cell off its resting place on the toilet's tank. "Mom?" I said the second I flipped it open.

"_Hi, sweetie, how's it going?" _Mom said.

I had so many things I wanted to say to her that for a moment I just gaped, my brain clogged. _"I know I promised not to nag, but I just wanted to make sure my fiery redhead was doing all right," _Mom went on.

"M-Mom!" I finally managed. "I don't know how you knew everything, but everyone's gone! Ricky, Cassie, the FMA characters, everyone! I don't know what happened!"

Mom was silent.

"Do you know what I should do?" I asked her.

"_Joey, sweetheart…what are you talking about?" _Mom asked.

"What do you mean, 'what am I talking about'? The last time you called you knew all about the chainletters and everything, and you were all 'don't worry about Ricky passing out' and—"

"_Wait, hold on. Who is Ricky?"_

I was speechless. _"Is this some new anime you're trying to tell me about? Because you know I'm not really into those…"_ Mom went on.

"Mom, I…are you on _drugs_? Ricky's my brother, your _son_," I told her, barely believing what I was hearing.

"_Joey, I'm not sure what sort of game this is, but you're my only child."_

Again, I was speechless.

Mom sighed, as if I was being silly. _"Joey, I'm concerned. You haven't been…engaging in illegal activities, have you? Because I—"_

"No, _I'm_ not on drugs. I don't understand. I have a brother and sister—Ricky and Cassie. Hello, remember?"

"_I don't know where you would get an idea like that."_

I was pissed. "Why are you being crazy?" I yelled as I stomped out of my room and into Mom's. "There's a picture of the three of us right on your own damn night table—!"

I reached for the picture of us that Mom often forgot to dust, the one tilted towards her bed so she could look at our smiling faces last before going to sleep. Instead, my hand descended on a daily calendar, marked off to the day before Mom had left.

I paused, confused. Mom never moved that picture. "Did you move the picture of us?" I said.

"_What picture?" _Mom asked, sounding exasperated.

I whirled towards her vanity, where she had pictures of combinations of the three of us stuck into the frame. There was nothing but pictures of me. Even the ones of me with Ricky or Cassie were gone.

_What the hell…?_

"_Joey?" _Mom said.

I ran back to my room. Okay, maybe Mom had rearranged her room for some reason. But for sure I still had my pictures of my brother and sister. I flipped open my one photo album, which was sparsely populated with pictures and a few other scrapbook-like items such as ticket stubs and various nametags. The miscellaneous things were all there, but the only photo left was the one photo that hadn't had Ricky or Cassie in them—one of me and Ike putting peace-sign rabbit ears over each other's heads.

"I don't understand," I found myself saying, stunned.

"_Joey? Are you okay?"_

I ran to Ricky's room. How had I not noticed during my earlier tear-through of the house how Ricky's room had been changed to a motel room facsimile? All of Ricky's posters—anime, comic book, action movie—had disappeared off the walls. The bed, desk, and dresser were immaculate, liked no one lived there. Investigating Cassie's room yielded the same—no pink, no princess accessories, no Barbies, no sloppily-colored pictures.

I felt the urge to hurl. What was going on? How had I woken up in this alternate universe?

"Mom, what happened to Ricky and—why are these two rooms next to yours and mine empty?" I asked her.

"_Joey, those are guest rooms, you know that."_

"Why does a family of two need a 4-bedroom house?" I challenged.

"_YOU were the one who wanted it. And we could afford it, so I thought_—_actually, that's enough. I'm not sure why you're playing this amnesia game, but I'm tired and I have a meeting soon. I'll call you back after dinner, and please don't start this again." _I heard a click in my ear and stared at my phone in amazement.

_Okay, WHAT THE HELL? This can't be right! I don't care what's going on, no one's gonna convince me that I dreamed up Cassie and Ricky and this whole shitstorm!_ I fumed. I headed downstairs and started looking for evidence of my brother and sister, but there really was none to be found. None of their possessions strewn around, no pictures of them, no articles of their clothing in the laundry room. The only evidence that I wasn't insane were the blankets and air mattress still in the living room. But Mom would probably tell me I'd had a wild party and let everyone sleep over or something like that.

I was starting to wonder if I was clinically insane when I heard a faint _ding_ from the living room and, not recognizing the sound, went over to investigate. I poked my head in the living room and saw that an IM box had popped up on the computer.

**EdwardsWife77: **check ur treehouse

I blinked. I went to type something, but then "_EdwardsWife77 has logged off_" appeared under the line, and then the box itself vanished. I sat back on my heels and heaved a frustrated sigh. Now what?

Well, with a lack of anything else to do, I decided to hope that EdwardsWife77 wasn't leading me into a trap and went through the kitchen and out the sliding door, grabbing a skillet as protection along the way just in case.

The "treehouse" out back was more of a room made of wooden planks, held together by nails and duct tape, propped against our favorite tree and raised approximately three feet off the ground by more wooden planks and several painstakingly-chosen tree branches. The "door" was a sheet nailed into place over the lopsided opening.

I approached the treehouse cautiously, not knowing what to expect. I thought I heard a quiet voice, and then nothing. I decided to take the initiative and spoke first. "Hello? Is someone in there?"

Silence. I reached cautiously for the sheet, then jerked back in surprise when it was pushed back. I squinted to adjust my eyes to the darkness inside the treehouse, and realized I was squinting at Riza.

Honestly, I first felt a sense of relief when I laid eyes on her. It meant I wasn't crazy. But the relief quickly turned to concern when I realized she was slumped against the wall holding her side, added up two and two, and realized she was hurt. "Lieutenant, what happened?" I asked worriedly.

"Edward and the other boy came back from the investigation. They thought you'd returned here…" Riza winced, and the arm wrapped around her side tightened.

"And then?"

"We told them you hadn't, as far as we knew. Ricky had come downstairs, and we were discussing where you might have gone. Then the colonel said that he wondered if you hadn't been whisked off to some other test."

I blinked in confusion. "Some 'test'?" I repeated.

Riza nodded, then winced again. I realized I was being really inconsiderate and reached for her. "You're hurt. Let's get you inside and see what's up."

"Is the house empty?" she asked me.

I nodded. "Everyone's gone, and…my mom called and apparently she thinks I'm an only child and for a second I thought I was crazy," I blurted in a rush.

Riza seemed to consider this. "It looks like there's even more going on than any of us knew," she said. "One thing's for certain, though: the colonel was right about that woman."

"What woman?" I asked.

"Your mother." Riza looked regretful as she said this.

I shook my head slowly, not understanding—or maybe just really not wanting to. "Right about what? What do you mean?"

I helped Riza down from the treehouse and winced when I saw that the side of her uniform was stained with blood, all the way down to her knee. Riza noticed my gaze and spoke up. "There was a scuffle. Everyone was captured."

"What? But…by who?"

"Just listen. I think these are connected, because it wasn't too long after the colonel started explaining what your mother had told him on the phone that the men dressed in black arrived," Riza said.

I helped her towards the house, hanging on every word. This was starting to sound like a horrible action movie. "What did he say Mom said?"

"He said that she'd told him she knew of his tendency to take charge, considering he was used to leading people, but that this was your test, and if he interfered then there would be casualties."

I stopped walking. I was too busy staring at her. "Wait…_what_?" I exclaimed.

Riza nodded, wincing again at the movement. "And she told him if he told you or either of your siblings what she'd said, he'd put everyone in the house in danger."

No, really, it was like the worst kind of action movie. "But…but…_why_?" I managed.

"I don't know. That's all he was really able to say before the Ling boy said he sensed a malevolent force approaching the house. Once we knew something was happening, we went into action. I thought that with so many skilled fighters, we would be able to protect ourselves, but those men had weapons I've never seen."

Great. So armed men had busted into my house and…I really couldn't believe what I was hearing. Everyone in my house _did_ exist, like I'd known, but they'd all been taken away by some stealthy group of bastards, except Riza. And somehow my mother was involved. Apparently my mother was evil.

"There's got to be some reason," I found myself saying. "Mom wouldn't be working for a bunch of kidnapping creeps. Maybe…maybe she…" I tried to come up with explanations, but I was still drowning in all the new information that suddenly painted my mother in a very unflattering light.

"But why would your mother try to convince you you're an only child?" Riza asked me as we reached the back door.

"I don't know," I said quietly, because I really didn't. _What could be her motivations? Did she really believe what she'd said? Or did she send those guys to my house? But then, why kidnap her own kids and then pretend they didn't exist? And what the hell kind of test was she talking about to Roy? And why threaten him not to tell me? What's going on here?_

I pulled open the back door with one hand. "Okay. Let's get you bandaged up, Lieutenant, then we'll try to sort this—"

Just then, I laid eyes on the figure in all black, wearing a face-concealing visor like some mook, standing in the kitchen. More importantly, I saw the rather wicked-looking gun in the guy's hand. Rita started, and I managed an, "Oh shit!" before he raised it and pointed it at us.

"Melissa Anastasia Tempest Jones," said the man, "you've failed your test, and as such, have forfeited all rights as a pending Manual Reconnaissance Youth."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. "And who said you could use my full name?"

Before he could answer, I felt Riza's arm slide off my shoulder, then heard a click near my ear. "Drop it," Riza commanded the man, now aiming her own gun at him.

"You can shoot if you like, Lieutenant Hawkeye, but it won't do you much good," said the man.

Riza looked slightly surprised when I glanced at her. "He's got on a bulletproof vest," I told her, gritting my teeth, and though she wasn't familiar with the item, the name was enough to clue her in, and she too looked frustrated at this.

"Please step away from the character so she can be properly returned to her own dimension," the man said to me.

"My ass! First you'd better answer some questions!" I snapped at him. "Where's Ricky and Cassie? And everyone else? Why does my mom think I'm an only child? And what the hell is a Manual Rendezvous whatever-the-hell-you-said?"

"A Manual Reconnaissance Youth in charge of Summaries and Extraction," was the man's answer.

"Oh, great, smartass, just make it more confusing!" I shot back angrily.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye, lower your gun. Melissa, step away." The man was like the most annoying robot in the world.

Riza slowly lowered her gun, her gaze sharp. I wasn't going to move until the man-robot coughed up some more answers. Riza fortunately had a better plan, as she fired her gun anyway, hitting the man in the foot.

In a flash, the man had dropped his gun and himself, yelling in pain, and blood started to spread on the kitchen floor from his blasted foot. "How'd you think of that?" I asked Riza.

"Well you said it was a bulletproof _vest_, so I assumed it didn't cover his lower half," Riza said.

"Agh! You shot me!" the man growled, sounding a lot more human now, as he clutched his foot.

"Damn straight, asshole. Now answer me some questions." I was definitely mad at this moment, and didn't particularly care if he was hurt. In my mind, he definitely knew what had happened to my brother and sister and the others, and if he didn't fess up I'd be in Jack Bauer mode in a few moments.

"You can go to hell!" the man shouted at me.

"Don't screw with me, I'm pissed!" I shouted back, kicking him in the arm. "Now where did your goon squad take the others?"

"I'm not telling you!" the man yelled.

"Oh, don't bother with him. I know where they are."

Ling suddenly appeared in the back door, and I whirled, half-raising the skillet still in my hands. When I realized it was him, I lowered my hand. "Dammit Ling, stop doing that!"

"They didn't capture you?" Riza said in surprise.

"Of course not. I was too fast for them, even with their weird gadgets," Ling said confidently.

"You know where the others are?" I exclaimed, latching onto what was important.

Ling nodded. "It's not too far from here. I was considering breaking in, but then I came back to see if anyone was left. Good thing, too."

I nodded. "We're going there, right now, and we're getting answers." I glanced at Riza, then her side, and then reconsidered. "I mean, we'll bandage up the lieutenant, and _then_ we'll go."

"If you've got any brains, you'll stay away."

I turned back to the man as he spoke, my anger simmering. "Believe me, Melissa Jones, they won't take kindly to you attempting to interfere with any processes, especially as a failed tester—"

"_Go to hell_!" I hollered, flinging the skillet at his head. It bounced off with an impressive _CLANG_, and even knocked him out.

"Maybe you should channel your temper into combat more often, the results are amazing," Ling commented.

"I'm about to. Come on, Lieutenant, let's raid the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, then we're getting in the van."

* * *

Riza told me she'd be fine after I'd wrapped half the bandages in the house around her waist. Considering her exploits in the series, and the fact that she was a hardened military officer, I didn't doubt that she could push through the pain. Ling told me through the bathroom door that the man had literally vanished off the floor, and I replied that I didn't give a rat's ass. It was probably much better for his health if he disappeared, anyway.

I dug around in Mom's room and found her stash of sock money and emergency credit card. Ling said that the place was only a few hours away, situated in a plot of land outside town, so I only packed one change of clothes and threw all the non-perishables from the kitchen into a duffel bag. I added the flashlight and the rest of the bandages and aspirin in the house. I wasn't sure what we would have to do to save everyone, so I wanted to be as ready as I could.

I stuffed the last of the things I'd packed in the trunk of the van and pulled it closed. "So you didn't see a single guard?" I was asking Ling.

"Not a one," Ling confirmed.

"That's either really awesome or really terrible for us," I said.

"If we don't know what the inside of this place looks like, how are we going to find out where the others are?" Riza asked me as we all climbed into the van, with her in the passenger seat.

"Honestly, I've got no idea. But we sure as hell can't take this lying down and wait for them to send _more_ goons after us," I said.

Riza nodded at that. "Still, we should be careful. We don't know what they're fully capable of."

That was true. And we didn't even know if they were really holding the others. For all we knew, they'd all been sent back to FMA-land. But I doubted they'd send Ricky and Cassie there, so we still had a reason to storm their evil lair.

Ling suddenly looked to the left, his face intent. I turned as well, to see what was up, to see Ike at the driver's window, fist raised like he was about to knock.

I blinked, then rolled the window down. "Ike? Why are you here? Also, what the hell was with that phone call last night?"

"Sorry. I figured I'd help you how I could, but I sort of got caught. Anyway, I want to help you guys," Ike said.

"You want to help us storm the base? How?" I wanted to know.

Ike shrugged. "Well, I can give you insider information. I mean, I work there."

I stared at him. "You work for a shady organization that performs mass kidnappings in the middle of the night?"

"Yeah, something like that. But you should know what you're getting into," he said, already pulling open the driver-side back door and stepping in. "I mean, your mom works there too."

Once again, I stared at him. _So it really IS connected. Oh God, my mom's a stereotypical movie villain. _"So…you knew? You both knew what was happening?"

Ike looked embarrassed as he tucked some of his black hair behind an ear and adjusted his glasses, all nervous moves. "Yeah, but we're under contract not to discuss it. Obviously you're sort of wrapped up in this mess now, so I don't think you should be kept in the dark anymore. Your mom's…sort of in the higher ranks at the place. She's been working there since before you were born. All those trips you guys took, it was for them, your mom just kept it from you."

I was twisted around in the front seat, staring at him in disbelief. Riza and Ling watched us silently.

"So then…but…Ike, I don't get this. What is this all about? That ass back at the house said something about me failing a test and kept talking about Manual Whosie Whatsie whatever and—"

"Yeah. The Manual Reconnaissance Youth of Summaries and Extractions. You were sort of…supposed to be one."

"But what is it? And why?"

"It's a person who…you know, uses chain letters and goes places."

I swear I was trying to keep up with all this, but I really couldn't. Seriously, how is a person supposed to react to having all of this dumped in their lap before lunch?

"Wait, so—'goes places' like to Amestris?"

Riza looked startled at that.

Ike nodded. "And other anime dimensions."

"Look, I don't mean to interrupt this…_ very _interesting conversation, but I don't think we want to wait around for someone else to show up and wave weapons around," Ling cut in.

I was snapped out of my confused stupor at this. "You're right. Um, left or right out of the driveway."

"Left."

I started the van and backed out. The van's middle seat was still propped against the garage door, and I almost wanted to laugh at how dumb it looked sitting there. Except my world was being repeatedly turned upside down, so I didn't feel like laughing as much as I did punching someone. Mom had always mentioned working for some vague company, I think, and said she didn't like to talk about work so much because she enjoyed what we wanted to talk about more. So was that because she had been lying to the three of us our whole lives? And Dad too?

"Wait, do you know if my dad knew about this? Or did Mom lie about it to him too?" I asked Ike.

"I don't know, Joey. I'm sorry." He sounded sorry too.

I drove in silence, still trying to digest this information and turn it into something that made sense. Ling would speak up at times to tell me which way to go, but other than that they all graciously left me to think. I didn't want to believe my mom was involved in some evil organization, as well as my best friend, but I couldn't figure out how this all made sense whether I believed it or not. So I was still stuck.

"Ike?" I said an hour into the drive.

"Yeah?"

"So does everyone run around talking about Manual Reconnaissance Young'un blah-blah-blah all the time? It's a damn mouthful." I was trying to find some sort of starting point, some way to make this understandable, and I'm not ashamed to admit I picked something really stupid and irrelevant.

"Manual Reconnaissance Youth in charge of Summaries and Extractions."

_And why does everyone correct me about it?_

"Yeah, it's pretty lengthy. Some people like to joke and use the acronym 'MaRYSuE' instead," Ike said.

_Lovely._ "Just tell me when to turn, Ling," I sighed, giving up on understanding for now.

* * *

Chizi: Until next time.

Zilo: See you sooner! Hopefully...


	13. Arrival In Headquarters

Zilo: Hooray! We've returned!

Chizi: That's kinda what we do.

Zilo: So let me take out some special time to thank **Glitterthorn, Salamander B. Hat, Rawrzness Wolf, The Name Is Greed, LeFay Strent, Lorelei Rinoa, Beleg Ohtar, DOTB18, Beryl Bloodstone, Shinigami's-Neko-GakI, MuffinMuffin, alexthegreat123, darkshadowgirl666, Spot'sGalFrom1899, SamIAmNot, **and **Hachikoo **for awesome and encouraging reviews!

Chizi: Yep. Now let's get to it. (cracks knuckles)

* * *

**13: Arrival In Headquarters  
**_in which Ike's teeth deliver some answers_

"Ike?" I said an hour into the drive.

"Yeah?"

"So does everyone run around talking about Manual Reconnaissance Young'un blah-blah-blah all the time? It's a damn mouthful." I was trying to find some sort of starting point, some way to make this understandable, and I'm not ashamed to admit I picked something really stupid and irrelevant.

"Manual Reconnaissance Youth in charge of Summaries and Extractions."

_And why does everyone correct me about it?_

"Yeah, it's pretty lengthy. Some people like to joke and use the acronym 'MaRYSuE' instead," Ike said.

_Lovely._ "Just tell me when to turn, Ling," I sighed, giving up on understanding for now.

"Right here," Ling said, indicating a dirt road off the main street.

I turned without signaling, still pretty lost in thought.

"Can you explain what exactly these…MaRYSuEs, you called them? What is their purpose?" Riza asked Ike.

Ike put a finger on his chin and looked at the ceiling, as if the answers were up there. "That's a little complicated. Basically…they're supposed to travel to different dimensions, gather information, interact with pre-selected individuals, and regulate jumper traffic," he said.

"And what's jumper traffic?" Riza asked next.

"Well, 'jumpers' is our term for people who use chainletters to visit other dimensions without our license. It's not exactly illegal, but we keep tabs on them to ensure they don't warp or break canon."

"And canon is…?"

"Hmm, let's see. I guess you could call it the predetermined path that a specific dimension is destined to follow, according to the source material," Ike said. "We let jumpers travel, but if they cause any trouble, well, that's where the Extracting part comes in for Manual Reconnaissance—well, let's go with MaRYSuE agents. They _extract_ any jumpers who are causing too many problems. Of course, there's always the occasional rogue MaRYSuE who decides to break canon themselves, and they're quite the handful, believe me."

"You sound like some annoying scholar," I commented absently. "No, scratch that. You sound like that annoying Koizumi guy from Haruhi Suzumiya."

Ike made a face. "Insult or backhanded compliment?"

"Both, I guess," I sighed.

"So in other words, you're some sort of supernatural police force," Ling guessed.

"I guess we are!" Ike said with a little laugh.

"And _when_ did you think it would be a good idea to tell your best friend?" I cut in, annoyed.

Ike's smile faded. "Sorry, Joey. It was a pretty huge secret, I know. But I wasn't supposed to tell you at all. Your mother said it would interfere with your tests if you knew beforehand what you were getting into."

"Well maybe I could've reacted better if I had a clue what was going on!" I snapped.

"I know. Well…I didn't think it was such a good idea for you to be tested in the first place. I thought you'd probably enjoy living a normal life better. Being a MaRYSuE wouldn't fit you, you know? But your mom insisted that you were perfect for testing. She would have started when you were younger, but a senior officer intervened."

I just sighed again.

"Well, in any case, you failed the testing anyway, so it's not even an issue now," Ike reminded me.

"Well, wonderful, let's just turn around and go home and celebrate that I don't have to be a part of the Asswipe Corps," I griped.

Ike bit his lip.

"I mean, seriously? What, am I supposed to be happy or something? I just found out my mom's been a lying scumbag for who knows how long, and so have you! Add to that putting my brother and sister in danger, and random masked punks coming in my house and kidnapping my _guests_? And then waving their guns in my face? And I'm supposed to be _relieved_ for some reason? _You'd_ better be relieved I don't toss you out the window and back over you!"

"Well in any case, you need me to get in, remember?" Ike pointed out, used to my angry outbursts.

"Yeah, don't remind me."

* * *

Eventually I did calm down, and, following Ling's directions, found myself getting closer to Florida's border. Riza continued to quiz Ike on his mysterious organization, and we all learned that though they weren't technically villainous—I snorted at this—they still kept themselves under the radar when it came to government and local law enforcement. Their outfit was something strange and rather exclusive, considering it only regulated anime dimensions. Apparently, however, there's several more off-the-radar organizations that cater to dimension travel to the other media of choice—literature, television, movies, video games, and so on. Most of this explaining was done towards me, since I'd get it better, though Riza and Ling looked pretty interested at the idea.

"This world you live in seems like it can enter into others at will, with the help of these chainletters," Riza commented at one point.

"That's a pretty powerful ability," Ling added.

"I guess you could put in that way," Ike said. "That's why there has to be people who keep an eye on what goes on."

I just shook my head a little. It felt a little like Ike was on a PR mission for his job. I had already set in my mind that my mom was secretly evil all this time, and long-winded explanations weren't going to change that. I already knew what I wanted to do after I located Ricky and Cassie (and hopefully the missing FMA cast) and gotten them to safety: I was going to have it out with my mom, one way or another. I wanted to know everything she'd kept from us all this time, and why. And I wouldn't let up until I got answers.

I was beginning to wonder if the headquarters was in Georgia when Ike suddenly fell silent, and Ling said, "We should probably stop here and go the rest of the way on foot."

"Huh?" I was making a wide turn around a bunch of trees, on yet another unpaved path.

"We're close," Ike said. "We don't want them hearing the car."

I immediately parked behind a big scraggly bush and turned the van off. "Behind these trees?" I asked, feeling my heart start to beat wildly. It seemed like it was too soon to be here already.

Ike nodded. "There's a little hill right under the trees up ahead. We can get a look at the place there."

"Then let's go," Riza said firmly, unbuckling her seatbelt and pulling open the passenger door.

Suddenly nervous, I clipped the keys to my belt loop, unbuckled my seatbelt, and climbed out of the car. Ike noticed my expression and gave me a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, Jones, we can do this."

"How do I know you're not leading us into some other trap?" I bit out, unable to drop the last of my cynicism.

"Normally you _would_ have to worry about that, but your brother and sister shouldn't be involved. I don't like that," Ike said.

I heaved another sigh, feeling like air was leaking out of me like a balloon. "Okay. I…really hope you aren't lying to me again, Ike."

He looked sad at this, and looked away for a second. "Sorry you've got to doubt me still," he said to the trees.

Riza put a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up at her. She had an understanding look on her face. "We'll do everything we can to help you," she assured me.

"Yeah, and if I'm going to learn anything more about this power, I have to help you take it down too," Ling added.

_That's probably the best I'll get out of him. _I nodded, then reached back into the van and pulled out Ricky's baseball bat from behind the driver's seat. "Let's do this."

* * *

The hill was a pretty good place to spy. The trees that grew around it had branches hanging down over the top, making a great cover. Ling, apparently unafraid of being caught, had disappeared up in the tops of the trees, while Riza, Ike and me laid down on the hill to spy on the headquarters.

"So _is_ it in Georgia?" I whispered to Ike.

"Half of it is," Ike replied. "Somehow it helps with the off-the-radar part if we're located in two states."

It sounded dumb, but almost dumb enough to work. I focused on the castle we were about to storm—a huge gray building that sprawled through open lands in a massive T shape. I saw no guards of any type, like Ling had said. I didn't see any searchlights, watchtowers, barbed wire, or anything.

"Why are there no security measures?" Riza asked, beating me to the punch.

"We don't need them. No one knows we exist, remember? And the few that do and want to hurt us somehow don't have anywhere near enough firepower or resources to do anything about it," Ike said.

"You mean no one's ever tried what we're about to do before?" I asked.

"Attempted a jailbreak, you mean? Not as far as I know. We don't have prisoners very often anyway," Ike said.

_Okay. So then maybe we don't have to dodge gunfire while jumping over land mines like I thought. _"Then what's the plan? Where would they keep their oh-so-rare-occasion prisoners?" I asked.

"Hmmm…probably in one of the meditation wings. Those rooms can be like solitary confinement and you can't get out without a letter." Ike pointed at the top left branch of the T, the farthest away from us.

"Well fantastic. How do we get in?"

"Maybe we can try a bluff. I can bring you and Riza in with me and say one of the bigwigs, like, oh, your mother, requested you guys and I'm bringing you in. Ling can scout the place out in the meantime. He can meet up with us once we're clear and we'll make with the jailbreak," Ike said.

"Wait, if you work there, wouldn't you have one of those mystical chainletter things you were gabbing about? Why not just teleport us in?" I pointed out.

"Well, we're not stupid. We monitor all chainletter activity inside, and outside for a sizable perimeter. Do that and you'll be transported straight into a meditation room."

"Lovely." I glanced at Riza. "Does his plan sound good to you?"

"It's a good start, but what if we're discovered?" Riza asked.

"Then I transport you guys away and handle the problem myself," Ike said confidently.

It still didn't sound right, but we didn't have many other options. "Fine, let's do it," I said firmly.

"Aye aye, lady captain," Ling said from the trees.

* * *

And so it was that Ike, Riza and I descended the hill and made our way to the front door. Riza was concerned that her not being restrained in any way would be suspicious, but Ike assured her it wouldn't be a problem. "Why tie someone up when you can just teleport them away if they try to escape?" he pointed out.

"I suppose…" Riza agreed, though she still seemed unsure.

"Just try to look disgruntled, you know, like you're a captive. Joey, you can look pissed, like…well, like you do right now is fine actually."

"Great," I scowled.

As we got closer, I could feel my nerves tying my stomach into knots. _I shouldn't be anything but raging mad; why am I nervous? We can do this, no sweat. _But even saying that, I had the feeling it wouldn't be as easy as I was desperately hoping.

Ike covered a yawn as we reached the front double doors, and I wasn't sure if he was faking or really yawning. He pulled one of them open all the way, held it, and gestured grandly to me and Riza. I wasn't too fond of the gesture at the moment, and conveyed my feelings with a glare as I stepped through. Riza ignored him entirely.

Inside was not a villainous lair. Instead there were blue walls and a gray carpet and silver ceiling, with fluorescent lighting. Before us stretched a hallway with no doors on either side, leading instead to what looked like a lobby up ahead. I could see the edge of what looked like a reception desk made of dark wood and maybe a potted plant.

"Great digs," I said sarcastically.

"Not an interior decorator," Ike replied as he left the door to swing itself closed and took the lead again.

"Ike!" a voice squealed from the room ahead, making me wince. "Is that you? Where have you _been_?"

"That's Rabekk'Hah. Don't say anything to her," Ike told us under his breath as we passed through the hall.

The room was indeed a lobby, though besides the reception desk and random plant next to it, there were no other pieces of furniture in the room. In fact, the only other thing besides the desk, the plant, and the spastic redhead behind it was a huge wood sign mounted on the wall above her head that screamed _LOBBY_.

"Bekki," Ike said, in a tone reminiscent of someone trying to politely greet the annoying next-door neighbor they hated.

"You are soooo late, mister! You never call, you never write, you never c-mail! It gets so boring around here without you! Too many girls!" the redhead whined. Her hair was such a vibrant red it hurt my eyes to look at it, and her eyes were lavender.

"Yeah, I'm the type to fix the 'too many girls' problem," Ike sighed.

"So what's up now? More character delivery? Oh!" The redhead (because I refuse to use that stupid name) noticed me and did a double take, her eyes widening. "Isn't that Ms. Phoenix's daughter?"

Ms. Phoenix?

_Ms. Phoenix_?

"Yeah, she asked me to bring her in after cleanup," Ike said, pulling what looked like a credit card from his jeans pocket and sticking it into a slot on the desk's surface.

The redhead turned automatically to a computer monitor I'd missed on my initial inspection and quickly scanned some readout. "No unauthorized use," she said in an automatic tone, and then, more naturally and more annoyingly, "But Ike, she's a…" Here she applied some sort of annoying whisper I guessed I wasn't supposed to hear. "…_failed tester_."

I clenched my fists to keep from snapping at her. I clenched them hard.

"You heard what I said, Bekki. No arguments," Ike said, removing his card thing and stuffing it back into his back pocket. "It'll just be a few minutes, and no skin off the innocent receptionist's perfectly sloped nose, all right?"

"Wellll…okay," the redhead finally conceded, twirling a strand of hair. "Just don't show her anything failed testers aren't supposed to see!"

"Wow, didn't think of that," Ike sighed, with what sounded like some of my sarcasm. He waved for us to join him facing a wall to the left of the desk. "Hold hands please, ladies, and no funny business now of all times."

I glanced at Riza, who shrugged a little, and we clasped hands. Almost immediately, it felt like the floor had dropped out from underneath us, like an elevator that started off a little quickly. But before I could even register that feeling, it was gone, and I was on solid ground in a completely different area.

A completely different _dark _area.

"Ike?" I whispered, feeling a sudden jump in my stomach. _No, it's not a trap. He wouldn't have done that. Would he? Please, answer, Ike, don't make me think_—

"Here, sorry." A hand sort-of landed my shoulder, making me jump. "I guess nobody turned anything on in here today. Sorry, again. We're in the black room, named not because of the awesome ambience but because…" Here he trailed off like he was occupied with something else, and I thought I heard fumbling. "Here we go!"

A blacklight flipped on, causing Ike's teeth, shirt, and the rims of his glasses to glow neon blue. I turned and saw that Riza, who still had my hand, had the lighter parts of her uniform also glowing. "What is this?" she said in amazement.

"It's a special light. It acts as sort of a scrambler for anyone tracing chainletter activity," Ike's teeth told us.

"And a scrambler for brains at parties," I added.

"That too," Ike's teeth agreed good-naturedly.

"So where do we go from here?" I asked.

"From here we can safely move to the meditation wing and figure out exactly where everyone's being held. Also we can rendezvous with Ling and find out how successfully we'll escape."

"Will we need to return here to avoid detection?" Riza asked, having gotten over the "parts of me are neon signage" thing fairly quickly.

"Possibly, but by then they might be onto us, so agents could be waiting here in the dark to nab us. A massive move outside headquarters will probably be in order. If that's the case, I'll either have to steal a different chainletter to support a multitude of people, or Joey will have to help with transport."

"Do you want to say that again and make sense?" I cut in.

"I know what I said. Joey, you can't possibly have seen all of this and think you're somehow normal. You've already performed partial crossings without using a chain letter: the time you and Cassie vanished off the sidewalk, the time Ricky passed out in your kitchen, and two of the unscheduled appearances in your house—Riza herself being one of them."

"Wait, hold on! You're saying that when those happened, it was _me_?"

"Yeah. Being able to visit other dimensions without letter assistance is a sign of being a potential Manual—MaRYSuE, sorry."

"But then how come I've never done it before?" I wanted to know.

"Well, it requires a special set of circumstances, and maybe when we're not in the middle of a dangerous mission we can discuss it further?"

I heaved a rather annoyed breath, but nodded. "Okay. Fine. I'll help you with whatever, _how_ever I'm supposed to do that. Let's get moving."

"Sounds good." Ike's teeth grinned at me. "Make sure you're both still holding hands."

* * *

The second time wasn't as nauseating, and I kept my eyes firmly open. So I watched the neon-tinted darkness quickly swirl into fluorescent lighting again, only this time everything was white. Walls, ceiling, tiles of the floor. And once again there were no doors.

"Here we are, the antisepticalicious meditation wing," Ike, now fully visible again, said. "I hate this place."

"Not hard to see why," I commented.

Riza glanced up and down the hall. One end was a dead end, the other was a dead end with a water cooler. "No entries or exits," she pointed out.

"Yeah, we don't really need them," Ike said.

"So how do you know where the rooms are?" I asked.

"Look closely," Ike said, pointing to a section of the wall in front of us.

I squinted at it for a few moments, until I saw the faint outline of where a door _should_ have gone, in slightly darker white paint. Squinting down the hall, I saw several more ghost doorways.

"Why so many?" Riza asked.

"Honestly? I don't know."

A sudden bang made us all jump. "What the flying hell?" I exclaimed.

Another bang, and I realized that something—someone—was hitting the wall. Then another bang, and another, becoming a rhythmic pounding on the wall.

"It's this room," Ike said, pointing to a ghost doorway four up. I went first, determined to find out what it was, and tell whoever it was to shut the hell up because they were freaking me out.

"Do you hear that?" Riza said a moment after she'd joined me.

I blinked at her, then strained to listen. Behind the pounding, I thought I heard it: a faint muffled sound, almost like a voice.

"I think we found someone," Ike said, and before I could turn to him, he was gone, the air swirled up funny where he'd been.

"Hey—! Ike, wait—!" I exclaimed, looking around as if I could spot him.

He was back in a same spot in no time, though, and with him was Ricky. Ricky, who had blood on his shirt and looked like he'd been crying.

I think we all know that I have times where I want nothing more then to ram my brother's head into the corner of a steel pole. But seeing him like that, I could only feel two things: insane fear, and ridiculous relief.

"Ricky!" I yelled, flinging my arms out.

"Melissa!" He ran into my outstretched arms with no shame, and as I hugged him tightly I realized he was shaking. He had to be on his knees to get the full effects of the hug, but he didn't seem to care. And I didn't care either.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt? What did those bastards do?" I was saying as I held him.

"No, no, I'm okay," he was saying, but his voice sounded like his body felt, and he had one arm free to wipe his face. "I can tell you what happened—it's not my blood, it was Lieutenant Hawkeye's—but I—I'm so sorry I didn't watch—"

"No, don't start 'I'm sorrying' me. Don't even think stupid like that," I said to his shoulder. "I don't blame you for what happened."

He started to cry for real on my shoulder, and I could tell that he had been seriously freaked out by these guys, which made me even madder at them and Mom especially. _How could she do this to her own son?_

"Where's everyone else? In these rooms?" I asked.

"No, they—most of them got sent back, I think, but they separated me and Cassie—and—"

_Cassie._

"Sent them back? Well that's no good," Ike commented. "We need power in our corner to ensure a clean getaway."

"Do you know where they took Cassie?" I asked Ricky.

He sniffled, then sat back on his heels, wiping his face with both hands now. "No, um, I tried to hold onto her, for real, but one of the guys with guns just made her disappear. They said…" His eyes widened as he seemed to remember something. "They said that Mom would be taking care of her! Joey, do you think Mom's here?"

"Yeah, she is, and she's got a lot of explaining to do," I said grimly.

Ike nodded. "And that's where it gets tricky. Finding your mom in here won't be easy, but she'll probably have Cassie with her in any case. But if we go searching around every room, we're bound to set off alarms. And once they realize the situation, we'll all have rooms of our own here in a blink."

"Not gonna happen," I said firmly as Ricky got back to his feet, rubbing self-consciously at the nearly healed bruises around his neck. "You've can counteract whatever with your own chainletter mojo, right?"

He looked surprised. "Yeah but—"

"Great. If they sent everyone back, we're gonna have to re-yank a few of them over here."

"The colonel?" Riza asked.

I nodded. "And Ed. And Al too. And get Ling back here. There needs to be a ruckus made in this joint."

"So…you've got a plan, Joey?" Ricky asked, sounding hopeful.

"Hell yeah."

* * *

Zilo: PLOT BE THICKENING!

Chizi: …Right…

Zilo: So, you ready to get some action going?

Chizi: Born ready, let's do this. Until next time, folks.


	14. A Short Fuse's Logical Conclusion

Zilo: I'm so excited!

Chizi: Why? Because we finally updated faster than two months?

Zilo: That too, but I have a slightly important announcement at the end of the chapter!

Chizi: All right. Anyhow, thanks to **The Name Is Greed, Rawrzness Wolf, CelestialSands, Beryl Bloodstone, KingofHeartless'09, LeFay Strent, Shinigami's-Neko-GakI, DoctorWhotaliaandtheOlympians, Astrothium, JoRinoaValentine, Chaotic Luna,** **HylianFox, **and** shadow346437 **for the awesome reviews.

Zilo: Now let's get to the epic word-fight!

* * *

**14: A Short Fuse's Logical Conclusion  
**_in which the scenery changes a lot_

"Do you know where they took Cassie?" I asked Ricky.

He sniffled, then sat back on his heels, wiping his face with both hands now. "No, um, I tried to hold onto her, for real, but one of the guys with guns just made her disappear. They said…" His eyes widened as he seemed to remember something. "They said that Mom would be taking care of her! Joey, do you think Mom's here?"

"Yeah, she is, and she's got a lot of explaining to do," I said grimly.

Ike nodded. "And that's where it gets tricky. Finding your mom in here won't be easy, but she'll probably have Cassie with her in any case. But if we go searching around every room, we're bound to set off alarms. And once they realize the situation, we'll all have rooms of our own here in a blink."

"Not gonna happen," I said firmly as Ricky got back to his feet, rubbing self-consciously at the nearly healed bruises around his neck. "You've can counteract whatever with your own chainletter mojo, right?"

He looked surprised. "Yeah but—"

"Great. If they sent everyone back, we're gonna have to re-yank a few of them over here."

"The colonel?" Riza asked.

I nodded. "And Ed. And Al too. And get Ling back here. There needs to be a ruckus made in this joint."

"So…you've got a plan, Joey?" Ricky asked, sounding hopeful.

"Hell yeah."

They waited, obviously expecting me to share.

"If we can't find Mom we just bring her to us," was all I was willing to share.

"But what if she doesn't have Cassie?" Ricky pointed out.

"Also, that's incredibly vague," Ike added.

"If she's got any shreds of decency left, she will. And shut up, Ike."

Ricky looked nervous and worried. "Joey…just what did Mom _do_?"

I sighed and shook my head. "A lot. Long story short, she's been a big fat liar for most of our lives and likes to play head games with everyone," I said.

Ricky looked startled. "What?"

"We'll do details later. Ike, you know this place, find us a suitable room for a home base, one with a good amount of space where it's hard to sneak up on somebody," I said, pointing at Ike.

"Your faith in my abilities is astounding, and well-grounded, and I thought you thought I was still potentially leading you into a trap?" Ike said.

"Yeah, well, I can't afford to suspect everyone in my life right now, so you get a pass," I snapped. "Take us there first, then make with the summoning Ed, Al, Roy, and Ling to us. Leave those asshole Homunculi wherever they are."

"All right," he agreed with a shrug. "Everyone holds hands, please."

I grabbed Ricky's hand at the same time that Riza grabbed mine, and we were gone. Amazingly, I could watch the scenery around us shift, like a fading transition in a movie. The white ceiling, walls, and floor changed into blue sky, trees, and what appeared to be the roof of the headquarters.

"I see you have a loose definition of the word 'room'," I commented to Ike as I looked around.

"Outside is the best place to be for this," was Ike's reply. "Besides, Ling's out here."

I twisted around and saw Ling crouching on what looked like the top of an air vent, waving. "Oh. Hey prince. Find out anything useful?" I asked.

"Well, let's see. The place is mostly empty, people get around here with those 'chain letter' things, there are only doors to the outside, not between rooms, and your mother either isn't here or is in a room without a window," he reported.

"Damn. Good work," I commented.

"Did you see Cassie anywhere?" Ricky asked.

Ling glanced at him. "Sorry, but no."

I sighed a little, feeling frustrated. "Okay. She'd probably be with Mom anyway. So here's what we'll need to do." I turned to the others to start relaying my awesome plan, but suddenly they were gone, and the forest was a lot closer. In fact, it was a lot brighter too. And the building's roof had turned into plain old dirt ground.

_The hell? _I thought, bewildered for a moment. _What happened? Did Ike transport us away for some reason? But then… _I thought as I looked all around me, _why am I alone?_

_Wait. It's brighter here. Just like…oh dammit, don't tell me I did it again._

I sighed heavily. Now was not the time for my annoying magical powers to be kicking in. "Hello?" I called out anyway, hoping that maybe there was someone nearby.

There was a sudden _BOOM_ off to my left that rattled the ground a little. Startled, I looked up and saw a cloud of smoke slowly rising over the treetops. Warily I took a step back, in the opposite direction, then started taking a few more when bushes and branches started to rattle, like someone was approaching.

The bushes parted, and Envy came half-stumbling, half-flying out. He caught himself on his arms, rolled a few times, then bounced up to his feet.

"Oh shit, not you again!" I exclaimed, backing up some more.

He glanced back at me, and a an annoyed look flitted over his face. "Oh, _wonderful_. What the hell are you doing here?"

"You're asking the wrong person," I said.

He turned fully to face me, hands on his hips. "Well, you came at a bad time. I'm busy. And since you failed so spectacularly at holding up your end of that stupid little truce—"

There was a flash of blue light from the trees behind him, and suddenly a giant fist made of earth came flying out of the foliage. He and I leaped out of the way, me with a little shriek, as the fist sailed across the small clearing and knocked down a tree.

The bushes rattled again, and Ed came flying out like he'd leaped off a cliff. His focus was on Envy, but quickly swung to me as I jumped up and hollered, "Dammit, Ed, watch where you go shooting off your stupid attacks! You almost hit me!"

"Joey?" he said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't _know_, I already said! I was busy strategizing when—"

More rattling of trees. Ed glanced back, gasped, and jumped out of the way. I had to throw myself to the ground yet again to avoid three dark projectiles as they shot across the clearing and speared the tree behind me.

Lust walked out of the bushes. "You can't escape, Fullmetal—" she began, but paused when she saw me. "What are _you_ doing here?"

I sighed very heavily. "Anybody else wanna ask me that?"

"Brother!" Al burst into the clearing from behind me, but paused when he saw me. "What are—"

"Shut up! I'm not answering again!" I snapped.

"Still as personable as ever," Envy said, rolling his eyes.

I got up from the ground, brushing off my jeans.

"Joey, what happened? You just disappeared from the house," Al asked.

"And then those freaks showed up with those weapons. If I'd had my powers they would have been _nothing_," Envy added, scowling.

"A lot happened," I said. "Ling and the lieutenant are waiting, though. I need you guys to come help us."

"What's going on?" Ed asked.

"We made it to the headquarters, and now we've gotta get Cassie out of there, and get some answers out of my mom," I said.

"What about the colonel?" Al asked.

I blinked. "What do you mean? They didn't send him back like you guys?"

Ed shook his head. "They couldn't, for some reason. They were blaming you."

"Me? Assholes. Okay, so then Cassie and Roy. Will you help?" I asked the brothers.

"Of course we will!" Al said instantly.

Ed nodded in agreement.

"Hold on a damn second. If this plan involves getting revenge on those bastards, I want in," Envy interrupted.

I glared at him. "No way in hell. I'm not trying to get people killed."

"You think you can stop me?" Envy said threateningly, taking a step forward.

"Envy, hold on. There's no guarantee you'll be able to return," said Lust, sounding surprisingly reasonable.

Envy snorted. "If you know what's good for you…" he said to me.

"Oh, go die in a fire, you whiny little bitch," I shot back.

Rage darkened Envy's face before I could fully regret my words, so I went on instinct. I grabbed Al's arm, reached out quickly, and snagged Ed's sleeve. Envy had started towards me at a rather frightening speed when he and the forest suddenly faded away, being replaced by the roof I'd been on before.

"Oh, Joey," Ike said from behind me, sounding like an exasperated parent. "Did you really need to cut it so close?"

"Hey, shut up!" I replied intelligently, turning to face him. "Why didn't you zap us out of there?"

"I just did. I needed you all to be touching before I could get you all at once," Ike reminded me.

I didn't have a response for that, so I just glared.

"Where's the colonel?" Riza asked.

I turned back to face her, but Ed had already started to answer. "They couldn't send him back, so they just sent the rest of us," he said.

"So he's still here?" she exclaimed.

I nodded. "He's probably in that prison hall we just left."

"No, Ricky was the only one in there, I checked," Ike said.

"Then where…?" Al asked.

"Maybe with Mom and Cassie?" Ricky volunteered.

"Okay, but why?" Ed asked.

"We'll find out once we get started," I cut in firmly. "Let's not waste anymore time."

"That's right, you haven't explained your brilliant plan yet," Ike said.

"Step one: you send me to that stupid lobby," I told him.

"Now?"

"No, tomorrow. _Yes_, now," I replied sarcastically.

His brows raised over his glasses. "Okay. And then?"

"And then, once I tell you to, you bring us back. Meanwhile, send everyone else to different parts of the building. They can look for Roy, but mostly stuff needs to be destroyed."

"Even me?" Ricky asked.

"You can kick stuff, can't you?" I replied.

He nodded.

Ike frowned. "'Bring _us _back'?"

"Yeah, us."

"Wait, so are we just a _distraction_?" Ed cut in.

"No, you're also a demolition crew. We've got to keep these people's attention divided so they can't just magically transport us to their jail cells or wherever."

"So that makes me mission control. How do you know I can handle that much responsibility?" Ike asked.

"Because if you don't I'm gonna kick your ass," I threatened.

Ike sighed. "All right, then."

"Oh, and one more thing. Send Al with me, too," I told him.

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, fix your tone," I commented.

He raised a brow, but smiled. "Yes ma'am," he said.

I reached out and grabbed Al's hand. "Al, if everything goes all right, I'm gonna need you to put Cassie in your armor, okay?"

"Sure," Al agreed.

I took a deep breath. "Everybody remember to keep a cool head and be observant and crap. Especially you, Ike. Bonus points if somebody finds Roy too."

Riza nodded sharply. "Got it."

Ed clapped suddenly, and I glanced at him as he touched the roof. In a flash of blue light, the section of roof had been sucked upwards into a concrete skull-and-crossbones. "Just making sure everything still works," he commented. "_Now _I'm ready."

"Yeah, let's get started already, this sounds interesting," Ling said, that mischievous look in his eye that I'd been so wary about originally.

Ike smiled at me. "Let's do it, then."

Once again the scenery around me changed, from the forest and roof to the lobby. The redhead with the stupid name was absently doodling on her hand, but looked up suddenly as Al and I materialized in front of her desk. "Eek!" she squeaked, reaching for a phone.

My hand came down on hers, hard. "Not on your life," I snapped.

"B-B-But, what do you want? Don't hurt me, I'm just a receptionist!" the redhead wailed.

"Good God, will you _shut up_? You're so annoying!" I exclaimed.

"Joey, I don't think this is getting anything done," Al pointed out reasonably.

I heaved a sigh. "Okay, yeah. Listen, _receptionist_, the only call you're making on this phone is to my mother. Tell her to meet me here, and Cassie had better be with her."

"B-But Ms. Phoenix said she didn't want to be disturbed—"

"Do I look like I give any sort of damn about what she said _she_ wanted? There's an impromptu demolition going on in here, and if she wants it to stop, she'd better _find_ a way to get disturbed." As if on cue, there was a muffled explosion from some floor above us, and the redhead's eyes turned up to the ceiling automatically.

"Well?" I prompted, drawing her attention.

"I…okay. But you have to let go of my hand."

I gave her a look to not try anything, then released her hand. The redhead picked up the phone and dialed three quick digits. I could faintly hear it ringing, along with a muffled crashing somewhere above us. There was a click, and I could just hear my mom's voice, and I was surprised at how it made my blood boil. _"Rabekk'Hah, I said I wasn't to be disturbed."_

"Yes, Ms. Phoenix. But your daughter is here in headquarters, with one of the characters, and she's demanding to see you. S-She wants you to bring Cassie as well—" Another muffled explosion, this one close enough to make the room tremble just a bit. The redhead cowered at her desk with a yelp. "And she's got people destroying the building! Please come!"

Silence on the other end. I waited, my crossed arms resting on the desk, my fingers drumming on its surface.

"_I'll be right there."_

And just as the redhead hung up the phone, my mom was there. She held Cassie's hand in hers, though not so much holding as restraining. Cassie's face was tear streaked, and she had stuck her thumb in her mouth.

Just the sight of that made me want to lunge at my mother and throttle her. My rage rushed up hard and fast, and it scared me for a second. I gripped Al's hand tighter to resist advancing, and he seemed to notice, as his grip tightened a bit as well.

"Melissa," mom said evenly.

"_Mother_," I spit back, like it was a curse.

Cassie's shoulders hunched, and she looked at me pleadingly, like she wanted to come to me but was afraid to move.

"Rabekk'Hah, you have the rest of the day off," Mom said.

"But—" the redhead started.

Mom's gaze just barely flickered in her direction, and the redhead vanished like a ghost, mid-word.

"I see you've been busy," Mom commented.

"And I see you've been lying," I shot back.

She sighed. "I expected this sort of reaction. I didn't expect you to retaliate quite like this, though." Another muffled explosion caused tiny bits of debris to rain down for a second.

"Funny how neither of us were expecting what we got," was my answer.

"You might be angry, but you should still see reason. By now, whoever you've roped into this will have been resettled into the meditation wing and temporarily relieved of their abilities," Mom said.

"And somehow things are still blowing up," I smirked.

For a split second she looked frustrated, but covered it easily. "Very well, let's put that aside for now. What are you looking for? Answers?"

"And maybe some revenge."

"Ah. That temper of yours, Melissa. You were always so fiery and explosive. If I could have started your testing earlier, it could have been put to good use," Mom said, sounding regretful.

My free hand clenched into a tight fist. "It's so good to hear how much you love me and care about not raising me in a web of lies," I snapped.

"However, your dramatic side took a little longer to emerge," Mom said wryly.

"Mommy, I want to go to Joey," Cassie managed to speak up, sounding scared.

"Not right now, sweetheart. Your big sister and I need to talk before she gets the chance to do anything else rash," Mom said, speaking to Cassie but still looking at me.

I couldn't take this anymore. "_Why_?" I burst out. "Why would you do this to us? Why lie about all this? Did you lie to Dad too, huh? Did you lie to us all?"

Mom's chin raised. "You don't seem to understand the importance of what you were being trained for, Melissa Anastasia Tempest Phoenix."

_I hate that name. _"That's not my name," I growled.

"You're my child."

"Yeah, and I see how much that meant to you!"

"Stop being a brat!" Mom shouted, and I shrank back, startled. Mom never raised her voice at me, for anything. "You think that your feelings are somehow more important than this entire operation? You selfish child! You've no idea of the scope of things! This organization is the only thing between the multiverse and disaster! Yet you turn your nose up at it at every turn! Do you realize what could happen if there was no one to police traffic between dimensions? _Do you_?"

I was stunned into silence. Cassie was starting to cry.

"Of all the abilities on this earth, the most destructive is the power to cross dimensions. Every day, more and more young girls and women are being discovered with that ability. Some are even powerful enough to pass it onto their sons, though that's rather rare. All of these girls, still growing up, with underdeveloped and emotional minds, allowed to enter a dimension of their choosing, with no one to prevent them from altering canon to fit their whims. It equals the collapse of a system, the deviation of timelines, the destruction of relationships, the death of innocents.

"Our only hope is to find these young people, to train them to use their abilities effectively, to teach them what a powerful and dangerous thing it is, and control it properly. And if we are too late, our only hope is to prevent as much canon contamination as we possibly can. For that we have our agents—Manual Reconnaisance Youths, in charge of Summaries and Extraction. Our greatest defense—"

"Bullshit!" I yelled, my voice back.

Mom's eyes narrowed, but I wasn't done. "I don't care what this stupid organization is about or how wonderfully they're saving the world behind the curtain! That's no reason to do what you've done! Don't you get what could have happened to us? You sent some homicidal Homunculus into our home! He could've killed us! Anything could have happened to us! And on top of that, lying and deceiving us for our whole lives? If your organization is so important, _you could've told us_!"

"And risk you becoming a rogue MaRYSuE? It wasn't my choice to make. Once it was confirmed that you had MaRYSuE potential, my superiors specifically told me that your testing had to be done blind. It was the only way to properly gauge your abilities and your skill in wielding them. It wasn't my choice to lie to you, Melissa. But it would only have been detrimental if you'd known," Mom said.

"Fine! Whatever! But then why this? Look what you've done to Cassie! And Ricky was so freaked out he cried! He hates crying! Even if you had to test me blind, why did you let it turn into this?"

Mom's face was stony. "Nothing's perfect," she said.

"Especially not _you_," I snarled.

She didn't rise to the bait that time. Instead, she changed topics. "Your father knew," she said. "He worked here as well. He agreed that you shouldn't know the truth at such a young age."

So my dad was a liar too. Wonderful.

"In any case, as a failed tester, you were approved for a memory reset. If you hadn't been so impulsive, you wouldn't have had anything to get so upset about," Mom said.

_What?_

"A 'memory reset'? You'd wipe my brain? How low will you go?" I exclaimed.

Mom just shook her head, suddenly looking sad. "Melissa, don't you see? A memory reset would have erased this entire week. You'd be—all three of you would be—none the wiser, and you'd be happy again."

"And you'd keep on lying to me, is that right? Everything back to its good old fakery? Am I supposed to _want_ that?"

She sighed. "You still can't see the big picture, or anything past what's in front of you right now," she said, sounding resigned. "I was told to encourage your temper, as it's considered a positive MaRYSuE trait, but now I see that I probably shouldn't have encouraged it so much. You can't see beyond this red haze of thinking I've betrayed you."

"I don't _think_ anything. You _have_ betrayed us, your whole family. If you've got any decency left, you'll let Cassie go," I snapped.

Mom's face hardened again. "That can't happen. You may have failed, but Cassie has shown potential, She's been scheduled as the next to train in your stead."

"I will _kill_ you first." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop to think about them, as usual, and I was surprised to find that I actually meant it. I felt in me the ability to kill my mother if she did anything else to Cassie.

That scared me.

Mom's eyes widened a little at my words. Cassie looked surprised as well, and then even more scared. Al turned to look at me in what I guessed was astonishment.

For just a second, I saw it. I saw me, appointed as a MaRYSuE, traipsing into Amestris for whatever missions MaRYSuEs have. I saw myself getting angry, then enraged. I saw myself swearing death to someone, and using my powers to bring it about.

_Am I really capable of that? Murder?_

Mom seemed to hesitate, her grip on Cassie's hand loosening. Cassie pulled away and then stepped away from her, looking at us both in confusion and fear.

"Joey…" Mom said, almost hesitantly.

I couldn't talk to her then. I turned my attention to Cassie. She looked at me, then Mom, before seeming to decide. She moved slowly at first, then picked up the pace and raced to my side, throwing her arms as far around my waist as she could. I put my arms around her, feeling the urge to cry again.

"Joey, I might not have made the greatest decisions," Mom began, her voice different now, "but I always loved you. All of you."

Amazingly, that did it. I felt tears spring into my eyes, even as Al unhooked one side of his chest plate, and I handed Cassie off to him. I faced my mom squarely, and since I hadn't been editing my words before, I didn't start now.

"I don't believe you," I said honestly.

I could see that that hurt Mom, and she flinched. Al, with Cassie now safely in his armor, hooked his chest plate back up, and I grabbed his hand. "Get us the hell out of here," I said to the air.

The scenery changed, from Mom's face, to the roof. I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding and let go of Al's hand.

"Joey?" Ike said, his voice full of concern.

"Just save it," I said roughly, turning away.

"Is everyone else okay?" Al asked Ike.

"Yep. They sent your brother back once, but I returned him to a different floor. Riza's mostly just looking for Roy," Ike replied.

"_Colonel Mustard was in the room with me and Mommy," _Cassie's canned voice said from inside Al's armor.

"He was?" Ike said, surprised.

Cassie didn't answer for a minute, and I heard her start to sniffle. I twisted back around, just as Al was unhooking his chest plate, without me even having to ask. He pried it open, and I reached in and pulled Cassie out. She wrapped her arms around my neck. "Mommy was scary. She wanted me to make him go away, but I didn't know how," she whimpered.

"It's okay, Cassie," I told her.

"Oh, they got Riza. One sec, I'll bring her back," Ike said.

"Just get everyone back up here. We'll come up with a new plan to find Roy," I said.

He glanced at me, and I know my face was red and I still had teary eyes, but mercifully he didn't comment, just nodded.

* * *

**That slightly important announcement Zilo mentioned**

Zilo: I'm going to be taking a trip to my very first anime convention! I'm headed for Tokyo in Tulsa, scheduled for July 20-22! So if you're in the area and going, or want to go, and would like a chance to meet up with me, then shoot me a PM! For more info on the con itself, hit up their website, tokyointulsa(dot)com!


	15. Ultimatums

Zilo: Oh man! I'M ALL ALONE! And late. Sorry! But many thanks to **LeFay Strent, Beryl Bloodstone, DoctorWhotaliaandtheOlympians, Shinigami's-Neko-Gaki, nisakeehl, LOL-LIVElikeurOUTofLOLLIPOPS, **and **Draconic **for reviewing and being patient! Now onto the next chapter-and be forewarned, it's partially unbeta'd!

* * *

**15: Ultimatums  
**_in which there are a lot of explosions_

The scenery changed, from Mom's face, to the roof. I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding and let go of Al's hand.

"Joey?" Ike said, his voice full of concern.

"Just save it," I said roughly, turning away.

"Is everyone else okay?" Al asked Ike.

"Yep. They sent your brother back once, but I returned him to a different floor. Riza's mostly just looking for Roy," Ike replied.

"_Colonel Mustard was in the room with me and Mommy," _Cassie's canned voice said from inside Al's armor.

"He was?" Ike said, surprised.

Cassie didn't answer for a minute, and I heard her start to sniffle. I twisted back around, just as Al was unhooking his chest plate, without me even having to ask. He pried it open, and I reached in and pulled Cassie out. She wrapped her arms around my neck. "Mommy was scary. She wanted me to make him go away, but I didn't know how," she whimpered.

"It's okay, Cassie," I told her.

"Oh, they got Riza. One sec, I'll bring her back," Ike said.

"Just get everyone back up here. We'll come up with a new plan to find Roy," I said.

He glanced at me, and I know my face was red and I still had teary eyes, but mercifully he didn't comment, just nodded. Within a few moments, everyone reappeared on the roof. Ricky was holding the bat I'd brought along, though it was broken in half, which might have been funnier in a different situation.

Ricky saw me and Cassie and his face lit up. "Cassie!" he exclaimed, dashing over. Cassie withdrew one of her arms from my neck to reach out to him, and he hugged her tightly. "Cassie, I'm so sorry I let them take you away! Are you okay?"

Cassie just sniffled some more, tears running down her face. Ricky's joyous look faded when he saw that she was seriously upset, and when he turned to me and saw my face, any happiness was completely gone from his expression. "Joey? What happened?"

"I talked to Mom," I mumbled.

Somehow that was enough for him to understand. He freed one of his hands and pulled me into the hug as well. "It's okay, Joey, we'll figure this out together," he said.

I let my forehead rest against my brother's shoulder, and felt safe enough to let some tears out. Cassie's little arms were around both our necks, and we all hugged each other like we were an interlocked liferaft in the most depressing sea ever.

"What happened?" I heard Ed say in a low voice.

"Joey's mom was kind of…prioritizing what they're doing here over her family," Al whispered back.

"Ah jeez," Ed sighed, and the way he said it made it sound like he understood exactly how I felt.

I snorted up the snot that was trying to escape my nose and wiped my eyes clean after a few seconds, pulling back from Ricky. I was the oldest child; I had to be the most together or we were toast. "Okay," I said, clearing my throat to make my voice sound as normal as possible. "We now know that that individual who claims to be my loving mother took Roy away herself, so Cassie could practice on him."

"Practice what?" Riza exclaimed in alarm.

"Apparently these bastards want Cassie to be their next guinea pig, so _Mom _wanted her to return Roy to Amestris with whatever powers she supposedly has."

Ike looked alarmed at this. Cassie held onto my neck a little tighter.

"That's insane," Ed said, his teeth gritted.

Even Ling looked disapproving.

"Does she know where he is?" Riza asked.

Cassie tucked her head under my chin nervously.

"Not really," I said, speaking up so Cassie wouldn't have to. "She doesn't know the layout of this place; it was just a room somewhere."

Ike brightened. "Well if it was somewhere here, then we should be able to find it from the TV room."

"The where?" I repeated.

"You know, security cameras and all. Usually we use it for other places, but we can look internally for once," Ike said.

I nodded firmly. "Let's go."

The scenery faded again, this time to another dark room. Cassie's fist bunched up the collar of my shirt until lights flicked on. Ike stood next to a light switch that was beside a nearly wall-to-wall spread of TVs, all different shapes and sizes, all built into the wall like an elaborate puzzle, fitting around each other perfectly. He raised his other hand to reveal a remote that was twice as long as usual.

"Everyone keep an eye on the screens and holler if you see him," Ike said.

"But…what _are_ these?" Riza asked, sounding confused.

"You'll see in a second." Ike said, fiddling with some buttons on the remote.

I rolled my eyes. "Basically, each one's going to give us a real-time picture of something happening in all the rooms here," I told her. "And Ike, stop being so mysterious."

Ike just smiled mischievously.

"A real-time picture? Like looking through someone else's eyes?" Ling jumped in.

"Uh…yeah, just like that, actually. Except the 'someone else' is just an electronic device. Like…hmm…well, you know cameras, right?" Riza and Ling nodded. "Well, these are like cameras that can take pictures so fast that it looks like video…er, real-life motion!" I said triumphantly, satisfied that I'd come up with a good explanation.

Ling looked amazed. Riza seemed to be weighing my explanation. Ike finally found the right buttons and turned on all the TVs.

First it was just silent static, which still made half the occupants of the room jump. "What the hell is that, a blizzard?" Ed exclaimed.

"That just means there's no picture yet," Ricky jumped in.

"These things get terrible reception, we really need to replace them," Ike commented, seemingly to himself. He messed with some more buttons, and finally we had reasonably clear pictures of a multitude of rooms, looking down like from security cameras.

I stared. "Damn…you guys really trashed this place." Broken furniture and destroyed appliances decorated the rooms. There were plenty of holes in walls and dents in floors. A couple rooms were blown out like there had been a bomb set off inside. A few rooms looked like everything in them had been alchemized into dust. I saw the other half of my bat sticking out of a now-empty water cooler. And the meditation wing had been demolished like Superman had thrown a temper tantrum.

"This will take forever to repair," Ike commented, though he was smiling.

"Oh, the poor bastards," I replied, also smiling.

"There!" Riza said, pointing. We all turned to the screen where she was pointing, and I saw Roy. To my relief, he was uninjured. He sat in a chair, arms crossed and legs crossed. He looked totally at ease.

"Awesome. Let's get him out of there," I said.

Ike started to speak. "We could probably just—"

"Wait!"

I froze at the voice. Cassie's grip on me tightened. _Oh, I am so not in the mood for this again._ I twisted around, and my look changed into a glare when I laid eyes on my mother, who stood where Ike had been a second ago. "Why don't you just stay out of our business?" I snapped.

She spared a brief, frustrated glance over my shoulder, and I realized that that was where Riza stood. Riza, who had now unholstered her gun and pointed it at Mom. I felt a presence at my back, and realized that Al was hovering close enough to Cassie that his arm was a hair shy of touching my side. In a burst of inspiration, I moved back, closing the distance between his arm and my side, while reaching out with one hand to grab Ed's sleeve. Ed shot me a look, but I didn't take my eyes off Mom. Even better, I heard Ling "hmmm" in understanding, and he casually rested his elbow on Ike's shoulder.

_Good, we're all connected now. _Mom noticed the slight movements, and her frustrated look deepened. I couldn't resist a smirk. _Now she won't make anyone disappear without sending me with them, _I thought rather smugly.

"Mom, what's going on? Why are you…like, the bad guy?" Ricky asked, sounding pleading.

Mom's look softened as she looked at him. "I'm not the bad guy, Richard. I promise. There's just a lot of misunderstanding going on."

"Then why did you take Cassie away? And do all this crazy stuff?" Ricky wanted to know.

"Please, just stop this. And I can explain everything later."

"Oh yeah, I sure believe that. You'll probably just make us a bunch of ignorant amnesiacs, just like you said!" I snapped.

Mom flinched, and Ricky looked stunned. "Mom…you'd really do that to us?"

"You don't understand," Mom protested.

"Oh just save it," I snapped.

"Will you just listen? I'm trying to reason with you before things get worse," Mom said.

"Phoenix, maybe you should just stop," Ike spoke up for the first time. "This project is a failure, and you need to let it go, and let Joey take the reins. She knows what she's doing."

"She's a failed tester, she can't know!" Mom exclaimed.

"She's _right here_!" I yelled at her.

Suddenly there were more people in the room. A lot more, roughly two dozen. All of them wore gray and black uniforms and carried hi-tech guns. Mom looked around, even more frustrated. There was a blink of movement next to me, and I glanced over and saw that Ike had disappeared, after apparently removing Ling's arm from his shoulder. Ling quickly readjusted by putting his other elbow on Ricky's shoulder. Ed's hands reflexively went up, poised to clap, my hand still holding his sleeve.

"What the hell?" Ricky exclaimed, too stunned to notice Ling, and I shot him a look meaning, _Knock it off with the language_.

"Put your hands up and step away from the characters," said one of the guys.

"Not this shit again," I griped, setting a terrible example for Ricky.

Mom's fists clenched. "I was trying to tell you," she said.

"Oh, way to go with the whole 'holding us up when we probably could've just gotten away' thing!" I snapped back.

"I repeat, put your hands up and step away from—"

"I heard you, asshole!" I railroaded right over the guy's words.

There was a chuckle. "My, my, when your mother described your temper, she didn't say how delightful it was," said a new, smarmy voice that I instantly hated. The goons parted to reveal a guy with carefully tousled black hair and cold blue eyes, wearing a black suit, shiny black shoes, and a red tie.

"You're the head douche bag, I presume?" I said warily.

The man smirked and bowed at the waist. "Mortimer Wing. General Assimilator of Reconnaissance Youths, in charge of this division's Scheduling, Taskmasters, and Ultimatums. And head douche bag."

"What do you want?" I wanted to know, edging close enough to Riza so my shoulder touched hers. Now we were all connected, and hopefully that would be enough to keep them from making my backup disappear.

"The same thing you want. A conclusion to this entire fiasco."

"Oh, save it, I've heard shit like this before. And if you start talking about how you and me aren't so different I swear I'll punch you in the throat," I warned.

Mortimer chuckled. "Truly amazing. How one young girl can contain so much acerbic vitriol is beyond me."

Ed snorted. "Just tell us what you want!" he snapped.

I agreed with his sentiment. "And stop getting on my nerves!" I added.

"Very well," said Mortimer, and he made a gesture to the men, causing them all to lower their admittedly scary-looking weapons. "Now, if the lieutenant and alchemist would be so kind as well…"

I glanced at Riza, and she glanced at me. "They do outnumber us," she commented.

I sighed. "Okay. Be ready in case somebody pulls a fast one, though."

She lowered her gun. I glanced at Ed, and he shot me a look like he wasn't about to drop his arms.

I blew out a breath, trying to put a lid on my rising temper so I could talk normally. "Ed, you've got kickass reflexes. If they start something I'm sure you can get to transmuting easy. But…let's hear them out for now."

My compliment seemed to calm Ed down a little. "You better be right about this," he warned, slowly lowering his hands.

"Excellent. You know, you've been officially recorded as a failed tester, but your ability to gain the trust of a number of characters in less than a week is truly remarkable," Mortimer said.

"Stop complimenting me, it's annoying and I don't like it," I replied shortly, handing Cassie off to Al again so I'd have at least one hand free.

He laughed again. "Wonderful! Just wonderful." He turned, grinning, to Mom, who flinched. "I see why you wanted to begin her testing so early, Taskmaster Phoenix. She'll make quite the addition to the team."

"If you haven't noticed, Melissa is not interested," Mom said quietly.

"For now, perhaps. But the young mind is indeed quite fickle and changes on a whim. Perhaps we have yet to offer something that will tempt her.

"Now," Mortimer went on, turning back to me. "I assume your friend went to retrieve Colonel Mustang and will shortly return to defend you. So nice of her. As you may know, both the colonel and the lieutenant have a letter-lock on them, which is rather inconvenient for us."

He waited, and I unfortunately bit. "What the hell's a letter-lock, douche?" I grudgingly asked.

"It's a side effect of a character being summoned by an individual who hasn't fully realized their powers. It means that they can only be returned to their proper dimension by the one who summoned them. Namely, you. Fortunately the other characters were summoned by us or by the letter supplied to your brother, which leaves them under our jurisdiction."

"Yay," I deadpanned.

Mortimer grinned again. _I really want to throw something at him. _"So, obviously, we'll need your cooperation to return them to their rightful dimension, since you've obviously learned that your physical contact nullifies our control over them."

"I wasn't trying to keep them around until now," I snapped. "In fact, if you assholes hadn't interfered I probably could have done this myself."

"Ah, but once the test is over it's imperative to return things to status quo as soon as possible," Mortimer commented.

"Fine, whatever! Just get on with it!"

"All right then. I would like to offer you two choices after you assist in returning everyone to their proper dimension. First, we can proceed with the memory wipe, which will ostensibly return you to your normal life, none the wiser."

"I already turned that down," I said flatly. "Next."

He chuckled some more. "Very well. The other is, now that you're aware of your abilities, to allow us to reinstate you. We'll train you to properly control your abilities, and you'll be able to assist us in preventing these upsetting circumstances from happening to anyone else."

"I already turned that down too, so you'll have to come up with something better," I warned.

"I'm afraid, Miss Joey, that those are the only two options we can afford you. I assure you we'll abide properly by the terms as well."

"And if I tell you to go to hell instead?"

"Then I pick." This time Mortimer's smile was scary. "And I don't think you'll like what I pick."

Mom looked a little distressed at that, and turned to me. "Joey, please. Just accept his offer and pick one. I know you don't trust me, but please believe me when I say _you don't want him to choose_."

I glanced at her for a moment. I was obviously still pretty pissed at her, but she looked like she genuinely feared for me, and that stirred something in me. Maybe this Mortimer guy wasn't such a joke after all.

"Hold on a damn second!" Ed suddenly interjected. "Why can't you all just leave her alone? Haven't you meddled enough already?"

"I'm afraid that's none of your concern, Fullmetal Alchemist," Mortimer said coldly, his smile suddenly gone. "As a matter of fact, it would serve you better to keep your mouth shut from here on out. Otherwise, there might be an…accident when we return you."

Ed's fists clenched. "You bastard. You're just like all the other power-hungry tyrants out there, ruining people's lives for your own enjoyment," he snarled.

"Whether or not I participate in such hobbies is, as I said, none of your business," Mortimer answered.

I could almost feel fury radiating from Ed, and it matched mine pretty well. "Brother, stay calm," Al said in a low voice. Then, after a moment, he added, "You too, Joey."

"So the choice is fairly clear," Mortimer said, spreading out his arms. "If you choose to cooperate, you'll see that I am a fair man, an extension of a fair organization. Your siblings will be taken care of at your discretion. Really, there's no reason not to cooperate."

I glanced at Cassie, who was tucked protectively into Al's side, and then at Ricky, who glanced back at me with a nervous and scared expression. I couldn't risk something horrible happening to them just to piss off the smug jerk in front of me. I had to protect my little brother and sister, whatever it took. Slowly my righteous anger was washed out by resignation as I realized that I apparently didn't have a choice.

I reluctantly looked back up at Mortimer, and my eyes caught Mom's, as she stood behind and to the right of the douche. She looked regretful, and I almost felt sorry for her, except for the fact that this whole mess was her fault in the first place.

"Not so fast," a familiar voice rang out. Guns swung up and over as everyone turned to the source of the voice. Roy didn't look one bit uncomfortable at having a bunch of guns pointed at him. "This discussion is over," he said.

"Oh, really?" Mortimer grinned. "And what makes you say so, Colonel?"

"I'm not very tolerant of negotiations that threaten my subordinates and their friends," Roy replied, hands in his pockets.

"Well, as firmly as you may believe that, I'm afraid this really doesn't concern you. Especially considering you have no real power here," Mortimer said.

"No?" Roy said, removing a hand from his pocket. I noticed two things then—a slight narrowing of Mortimer's eyes as he focused on Roy, and then a beat later, a look of annoyance on Mortimer's face, as whatever he attempted failed.

Roy's hand flashed out as he snapped his fingers, and threads of fire jumped from his fingertips to the first row of guns. Each one exploded in its own cloud of combustion, and the men holding them quickly dropped them with hisses or grunts of pain.

"You sure about that?" Roy asked, with a well-deserved smirk.

Mortimer scowled. "Phoenix!" he barked at my mom, causing her to jump. "Get rid of the characters!"

"But, my children are still touching—" Mom started to protest.

"_Now_, Taskmaster Phoenix!"

Mom slowly turned to look at the group in resignation. I caught her eye, and she stiffened. I had a look on my face, one she could easily read. _If you help him, I will never forgive you._ If she wanted to claim any last shreds of dignity as a mother, she wouldn't try anything.

She hesitated, her hands opening and closing.

Mortimer made a "tch" noise, like he was disgusted with her. "Consider yourself demoted. Men, separate the kids from the characters!"

At that I gripped Ed's sleeve even tighter. The men advanced, the ones who had been disarmed smoothly falling back like they'd planned such a thing. Roy snapped again, and another group of guns exploded.

Seeing that their guns were pretty useless, some of the men dropped their weapons and advanced faster, looking like they might pummel us to death or something. One reached for Ricky, who was the closest, but before I could react, Ling's casual stance turned into a firm grip on Ricky's arm, and he easily pulled my brother out of reach for the moment. In the same move, Ling used his other arm to remove something small and black from underneath his jacket and toss it underhand, so it landed in the small no-man's-land between us and the goons. Almost immediately a thick gray cloud hissed up from the black thing and spread outward at an amazing speed.

"A smokescreen!" one of the goons yelled.

It worked well on both them and us, as now I couldn't see two inches from my face. Fortunately the smoke wasn't the kind to cause you to choke, but I did feel my eyes water.

"You morons!" Mortimer shouted. "They're right in front of you!"

I heard a echoing clap near me, and then a flash of blue light bounced off the smoke behind me. A cold, hard hand landed on my shoulder. "Joey, this way," Al's voice said, pushing me towards a vaguely square-shaped section of brightness in the smoke.

I reached out and found his metal side, then ran into something warmer and squishier. Cassie's leg. She felt my hand and grabbed it with one of her own, and I gave it a reassuring squeeze as I let Al's hand guide me to the square.

We exited out of the smoke and found ourselves outside, on an alchemized balcony halfway up the side of the building. Ed, Ling, and Ricky were already there, and I twisted around and saw Roy and Riza exiting behind us.

"We don't have much time," said Roy. "They'll be behind us any second."

"Where's Ike?" I asked him, feeling a flash of worry. What if that Mortimer creep did something to Ike for helping us?

"That boy? He said he would send me to the room and disappeared," Roy said.

I bit my lip.

"I'm sure Ike's okay, Joey," Al assured me.

"Come on, we need to move it," Ed reminded us, turning to face the edge of the balcony. He clapped and then touched the floor, transmuting about a third of it into a slide down to the ground. We all hurried down, trying to keep our footing on the slope. I glanced back once and saw the goons spilling out onto the balcony. "Dammit!" I growled.

Ed hit the ground first, landing expertly on his feet. The rest of us followed with varying levels of success. When Riza, the last in line, hit the ground with only a slight stumble, Ed immediately clapped and touched the slide's edge. It amazingly snapped upwards and curled back up to the building, effectively trapping three of the four idiot goons who had just started to descend. The fourth managed to jump off in time, angling to fall towards us, but a dead-on shot from Riza got him in the shoulder, knocking him off his trajectory and putting him out of commission.

"This way!" I said, pointing towards a familiar hill surrounded by trees. "The van's back there!"

Five of the goons appeared in front of us, guns raised. Almost as soon as they had appeared, Roy snapped his fingers, and the ground in front of the goons exploded. Two more appeared to our left a split second later, and Roy did the same thing to them.

"They're gonna keep pulling that," Ed said as we collectively moved to our right, the only unblocked path now.

"Dammit, where is Ike? He could poof us to the van!" I said, frustrated but also a little scared for my friend.

"We can't worry about that right now," Roy said. At some point he'd taken the lead as we all hurried towards the hill, Ed on his right and Riza on his left.

"There's more behind us!" Ricky said, panicked.

I shot a glance over my shoulder and saw Ling yanking the tab off some round black item with his teeth. He then threw the black ball at the dozen or so goons that had appeared behind us and were giving chase. It exploded as soon as it hit the ground at their feet, and I heard startled yells.

"Is the van right behind the hill?" Roy asked me, pulling my attention to him.

"A little ways past it, parked on the other side of the trees," I said.

"_Halt_!" a voice yelled through what sounded like a megaphone. I heard a weird popping noise, and movement over my head made me look up. An honest-to-God net had been launched into the air over us, with round weights at the corner dropping it towards us at a growing speed. Roy snapped again, but for some crazy reason the fire bounced off the net, dissipating in the air.

"Joey, here!" Cassie was suddenly thrust into my arms. I instinctively grabbed onto her, twisting to see Al drop to one knee. In record speed he drew a transmutation circle in the dirt with his finger, then put his hands to the edge. The net was just starting to invade our personal space when clumps of grass and dirt shaped into hands shot from the ground and stopped the net's descent.

The weights on the corners, carried by momentum, swung around the hands like tetherballs, and one was just unlucky enough to smack me in the back of the head. I stumbled, stunned, and almost dropped Cassie, who let out an alarmed squeak.

"Colonel, they got Edward!" I heard Riza say.

"Dammit," Roy said, sounding pissed.

Footsteps pounded towards me. "Joey! Are you okay? Oh no, you're bleeding!" It was Ricky. I felt Cassie put her hands on either side of my head. I heard a noise that sounded like another of Ling's smoke bombs, and then two gunshots from Riza.

"Can you stand?" Roy asked, and I realized he was talking to me, and that I had fallen to my knees. I made my vision focus, and all at once a sharp throbbing pain rose in the back of my skull.

I winced, but stood upright. "I'll be okay," I said in response to anyone who cared.

"They'll be on us any minute," Ling said, his hand on Ricky's shoulder.

I nodded, which was a bad move as it made my head hurt. "Let's go to the van," I said through gritted teeth.

I could see that something had pulled the others' attention away. Roy snapped his fingers and set off an explosion to our left. Riza fired behind us, and from the pained yells I assumed she hit the mark every time. Ling fished out another smoke bomb with a long-suffering expression. Al hovered near Cassie again, who reached out to grab his hand.

"That's quite enough!" Mortimer's smarmy voice cut through the carnage. Reluctantly, I turned to see where he was coming from, but not without noticing that we had been surrounded despite our efforts, and now at least forty guns were pointed at us.

Mortimer passed easily through a gap in the goons. "Well, this has all been very amusing. You even made me call in more of the foot soldiers than I usually like to. But it's time to stop playing games."

"Go die in a fire," I snapped at him, not injured enough to resist insults.

Mortimer smiled at me, but this was the creepy smile that had made Mom flinch. "Now, now, I don't think you want to be leveling threats at me just now."

"Really? Explain why I shouldn't burn you to a crisp," Roy said, fingers poised to do just that.

"Because if you do, you'll be responsible for the death of Taskmaster Phoenix."

…_What?_

Mortimer's smile widened at our stunned reaction. "What? Do you think I'm above using my own subordinates as bargaining chips? That's a very misguided notion. I'm nowhere near noble enough for that." He made a gesture, and Mom was pulled out from behind a goon, with another one at her back with a gun, effectively using her as a shield. Mom's face was white, and she couldn't even look at us.

"Y-You can't kill Mom!" Ricky blurted, his voice high with anxiety.

Cassie started to whimper.

"Oh yes I can, if you all refuse to cooperate. And if that's not enough to sway you, I'm sure I can find some other people to use as well."

_He's not kidding. This guy will really…bastard._

"Now," Mortimer said, directing his attention at Ling and Al, "if you two would so kindly step away from the others…"

* * *

Zilo: Until next time!


	16. Take A Third Option

Zilo: Hey everyone. First off, profuse apologies for taking so long to update, especially on a cliffhanger. Anyone who follows the fanfic Twitter knows that my computer was broken for a month, and I had to buy a new part for it. My mom's been dealing with some serious health issues. Also, Chizi and I had a massive falling-out. I'd like to believe she and I can still be friends, but I'll running the ship here.

Anyway, massive thanks to **Beryl Bloodstone, nisakeehl, DoctorWhotaliaandtheOlympian s, alexthegreat, Owlsweety, Shinigami's-Neko-Gaki, JellyfishWarfare, Guest, **and **Draconic **for reviewing and being awesome patient people. The story's about to wrap itself up, so hopefully I can keep the quality up (lol get it because I mentioned QUALITY and the chapter's unbeta'd...anyway). Enjoy!

**RANDOM NOTE: **If The Houseguests was an anime, I always imagined that Mortimer would be voiced by Johnny Yong Bosch. Just sayin'.

* * *

**16: Take A Third Option**  
_in which nobody uses Mortimer's actual name  
_

"Y-You can't kill Mom!" Ricky blurted, his voice high with anxiety.

Cassie started to whimper.

"Oh yes I can, if you all refuse to cooperate. And if that's not enough to sway you, I'm sure I can find some other people to use as well."

_He's not kidding. This guy will really…bastard._

"Now," Mortimer said, direction his attention at Ling and Al, "if you two would so kindly step away from the others…"

I felt Al shift next to me. Cassie started suddenly. "No, Al!" she exclaimed, her voice scared. She clutched his fingers tighter in her hand.

"It's okay, Cassie," Al said to her, gently but firmly untangling her fingers. "Joey will protect you."

"No! You'll disappear! Joey, tell him to stop!" Cassie wailed, and I saw Mom flinch. All I could really do was hold my sister closer. Al dutifully stepped away, and Cassie's now-empty hand went after him.

"You too," Mortimer said to Ling.

Ling, scowling now, reluctantly released Ricky's shoulder. "You won't get far leading the way you do now. Fear does not make a long reign," he said.

"You're entitled to your opinion," Mortimer sneered.

_There has to be something I can do!_

"As for you two," Mortimer said, leveling a look at Roy and Riza, "you can also step away, just to ensure you don't plan anything. We'll have Joey send you back in a moment."

_Something! Anything!_

My head hurt too much to think of anything but useless crap. In fact, the ache was spreading to my temples. That reminded me of something.

"Well? Don't waste time," Mortimer said to a non-budging Roy and Riza.

"Ricky," I said.

"Y…Yeah?"

I turned and shoved Cassie at him. He almost stumbled, but he instinctively reached out and caught her like the responsible big brother I knew he was. I snatched the smoke bomb out of Ling's hand and threw it directly at Mortimer's face.

"What the—!" Mortimer exclaimed.

I did it for three reasons. One, because I really wanted to throw something at his face. Two, to set off the smoke. Three, so his eyes would follow the ball and not me. In the precious few moments before he thought to deflect it away, I stamped down the pain in my head and rushed at my mother.

Mortimer slapped the smoke bomb down, but it fortunately hit the ground hard enough to release its contents. I heard another one of his annoying "tch" noises, and then Cassie cried out. I couldn't look to confirm, but I guessed that Ling and Al had just been poofed.

And then Roy, that wonderful military-minded guy, snapped his fingers, and there was an explosion somewhere behind me. I also heard several single shots that had to be Riza. They were covering for me. They were awesome.

Mom saw me coming and looked up in alarm. The guy with the gun to her back also saw me coming, and the gun came up to point at me. "Stop, or I'll—!"

I grabbed my mom's wrist.

The headache spread all over my head, then eased, and as it did the scenery changed around us. A city was now around us, its colors brighter and more vivid.

"Joey…" Mom said hesitantly.

I let go of her and stepped back. "You can get back on your own, right?" I asked.

"Well…no. General Wing revoked my letters."

"Then I'll come back and get you later. Just stay here so nobody can use you against me."

Mom nodded slowly, then hesitated. "I'm…sorry. I didn't want things to turn out this way."

This time I was the one who couldn't look at her. "Just don't talk about it, okay? I really don't want to hear your justifications right now. I just hope now that you get how incredibly wrong you were."

Mom didn't answer, but she also looked at the ground. We stayed silent like that until my moody abilities finally kicked back in.

* * *

I returned into smoke, and instinctively crouched just in case. I could hear explosions and gunshots, and also Mortimer yelling insults and rather choice phrases at his goons. I made a note of some of the more inventive ones to use later.

To my right I could just make out some trees, so I hurried over to them, gritting my teeth as every step made my head throb. I'd been able to push the pain down when I'd been focused on making my wildly unreliable plan work, but now it was back full force. As I emerged from the smoke I saw that I'd made it to the trees that surrounded the hill.

"Joey!" a voice said excitedly but quietly. I turned and saw Ricky and Cassie peeking from around a tree they'd been hiding behind. They hurried over to me, Cassie throwing her arms around my waist as soon as she got close enough.

"That was so smart! How'd you think of teleporting Mom away?" Ricky asked.

"It just came to me," I said. "Come on, let's go to the van."

"But what about the colonel and the lieutenant?"

"We're not leaving them," I assured him.

The three of us hurried through the trees, me holding my head as I steered us in the right direction. I saw the van parked behind the scraggly bush like I'd left it and felt relief, though I was concerned about my ability to drive with a head wound.

We all piled into the car, and I had it started and thrown into gear before I'd even buckled my seatbelt. My head was a distraction, but I could still drive. I swerved around the trees and straight into the smoke from the bomb, switching on my headlights.

"How far did they go?" I asked.

"They were running around like crazy," was Ricky's answer.

"A little less specific, please, I don't want any idea whatsoever," I griped.

The side door suddenly slid open with more force than necessary. I twisted around in alarm, but it turned to relief when Roy and Riza jumped in, trailing a little of the smoke. I threw the van in reverse and peeled out before they could even shut the door.

"I used up every shot on them," Riza said, unloading the empty clip from her gun.

"At least you never missed," Roy commented, touching a gash on his cheek and wincing.

When I made it back to the road, I found a spot just big enough for a U-turn, awkwardly jerked the van to face the right way, and started driving with a lead foot.

For a while, there was silence. I was mainly focused on not getting us lost. I thought I was doing all right. Except at one point I started to turn left, and Riza spoke up. "We came from the other direction."

"Oh." I threw another sharp U-turn that snapped everyone's necks to the left.

"Good grief, Joey!" Ricky complained.

"Sorry," I managed.

After that there wasn't much talking, except for Riza giving me directions so I didn't give everyone whiplash again.

* * *

I pulled into the driveway as the sun was setting, parked, and turned the van off. Then I slumped over the steering wheel, resting my forehead on my arms. My head was pounding bad, and I wanted to scream and cry and rant and quit.

Ricky was the one who finally broke the silence. "Let's go in the house and eat," he said quietly.

"Sounds good," Roy said, and I heard the sound of several seat belts being unfastened, and then the back door was slid open. They climbed out, jostling the van, and the door was slid closed. I sat in the new, better silence, purposefully breathing lighter so I didn't interrupt it.

A couple moments later, the driver's side door opened. "Come on, Joey, let's go in," Ricky said, and I felt his hand on my back. Cassie's arms soon slid around my waist as well.

I heaved a huge sigh, then lifted my head and looked at my brother and sister. We all looked terrible, like survivors of a war, with dirt smudging our faces and our clothes wrinkled and our hair messed up.

"We'll figure out what to do. We just need to eat," Ricky said firmly. "Come on in and I'll find something I can make."

That actually made me smile. "You can only make pasta," I pointed out.

"Then I'll make a giant pot of pasta, now come on."

* * *

Ricky did indeed make a giant pot of macaroni and cheese. We were all surprisingly hungry and ate seconds and thirds. Then we set about cleaning and patching ourselves up. Roy and Riza went about cleaning and mending their uniforms with an expertise that said they'd had to do this before, with each of them keeping an eye out for any suspicious activity.

I showered after everyone else, and by then the hot water was long gone. I didn't care though, because the chill cleared my head and felt good against the ache. I watched the reddish-brown water swirl down the drain and heaved another huge sigh.

When I got out of the shower, I changed in the bathroom to a black-and-blue-striped shirt and jeans. I took my towel back to my room and found both Ricky and Cassie asleep on my bed. Cassie had both hands curled into Ricky's shirt, and he had a protective arm thrown across her back.

My brother and sister. They'd made it through this, but it was going to mess with their heads for a while. Especially Cassie, who had become understandably clingy. I'd done the best I could to keep them safe, at least I hoped I had. I managed to drag the comforter out from under them and then tuck them in, like a good older sister. They'd been understandably confused to find their rooms stripped bare of contents, and even more confused when I explained that it was part of some asinine "you're an only child" plot of Mom's, so maybe they'd crashed in mine for the sense of familiarity.

I went downstairs and found Roy and Riza waiting for me at the kitchen table. "Feel better?" Roy asked.

I nodded as I pulled out a chair and sat down. "Yeah. Head's still pounding, but it's better."

Roy nodded. "Good. We need to plan our next step."

I nodded again, this time wearily. "That douche bag Mortimer's probably already on his way here with more goons," I sighed.

"Will you be able to bring Fullmetal and his brother back?" Roy asked me.

"Honestly? I'm not sure. I just started figuring out the warning signs for these God-annoying powers activating. I can't really control them yet." I clenched my fists on the table. "Dammit, we need Ike. Where is that idiot?"

"Since we don't know, we'll have to do what we can without him," Roy said. "Is there anywhere we can leave your brother and sister to get them out of the way?"

I heaved a sigh and flicked a stray hair out of my eyes. "In an emergency we're supposed to go to Cassie's friend Natasha's, but that's right next door. It's probably too close. Other than that…I could maybe call my aunt. She could be here in a few hours if she was ready as soon as I called, and sped the whole way, and didn't get pulled over…"

"So the choices aren't good," Riza summarized.

"Nope," I said, shaking my head.

"Then the best we can do for them is take the fight elsewhere, draw the action away from them," Roy said. "So, you know this place. Where would be a good location?"

_A good place to stage a no-holds-barred battle?_ I propped my elbow on the table so I could rub the bridge of my nose. "Jeez, I don't know…this is a suburban neighborhood, we don't prepare for bloody skirmishes…" I paused when an idea came to me. "Well, there is one place, actually…"

"How far away is it?" Roy asked.

"Maybe twenty minutes by car. It's a park, so there's plenty of space for whatever, but nobody goes there anymore."

"That does sound good," Riza agreed.

I nodded, which made my head throb a little, and winced. "Ow…before we go, I do wanna try something real quick." With one hand lightly pressed to my temple, I got up and went into the living room. The ancient family computer was still there on the floor, with a screensaver running. I sat crosslegged in front of it and woke it up.

Roy and Riza came into the living room while I messed with the computer, accessing the internet and pulling up e-mail. "So what's your plan?" Roy asked me as he sat on the couch next to my shoulder.

"Well, I'm in no position to be trying anything with my amazing powers, but I'm hoping I can make this work with the thing that started this whole mess," I said. The whole time since this started, we'd been trying to send everyone back, and it had only made things worse. But maybe if I was trying to do the opposite, maybe it would work how I wanted.

I had just gotten to Ricky's inbox (yeah, I know his password, so what?) when an IM popped up in my field of vision. I blinked in surprise.

**EdwardsWife77: **dont tax yr head nemore, ill take care of it

As if to remind me, my head pulsed unpleasantly. I winced, but read the line again, confused. How did she know about my possible concussion?

I felt something change in the air. It was really slight, and honestly I probably wouldn't have noticed before stupid supernatural things became a normal part of my life. But I felt it all right, and I glanced up. Roy saw the look on my face and snapped to attention. "What is it?"

"I thought I felt a…" I trailed off, not sure how to describe it right.

Just then, I heard what sounded like a rather loud scream from Cassie upstairs. All three of us shot to our feet in alarm. I nearly lost my balance and fell, as the sudden altitude made my head dizzy. Roy and Riza were already headed upstairs, weapons brandished. As soon as I was steady I took off after them.

This was not cool. If Mortimer and his goons were already on the attack, we had no time to prepare. And if Ricky and Cassie were caught in the middle, things would get real ugly real quick. I had almost caught up to them when they reached the top of the stairs.

"Which one is hers?" Roy asked, already starting down the hall.

"She and Ricky are in my room," I said, pointing at my door.

Roy and Riza started in that direction, but paused when the door flew open. Ricky stood in my doorway, his hair and clothes rumpled like he'd just woken up, but his eyes bright and alert. "They're back!" he shouted.

"Back?" I repeated intelligently.

A familiar face poked his head out under Ricky's arm. "Yep, back again," Ed said.

"Edward!" Riza said in relief.

"Wow, perfect timing," I commented, feeling a smile spread on my face.

Ricky and Ed glanced over their shoulders, then moved out of the doorway to give Al space to wedge himself through. Cassie was glued to his side, hitched up like a toddler. "Sorry if we startled anyone. We sort of appeared and scared Cassie," Al said apologetically.

"No harm no foul," I said, nodding at Cassie.

"What did we miss this time?" Ed asked as we headed back downstairs as a group.

"We made it back here, obviously. The head douche bag could be here any minute, so Roy and Riza and me were planning to draw the heat away from here and to a better location," I reported.

"You were just gonna leave us?" Ricky said, sounding almost hurt.

"Of course, you idiot. We couldn't risk you being used as bait like Mom," I reminded him.

Ricky bit his lip. "Speaking of Mom…where is she?"

"Where she can't do anything to us or be used _to_ do anything to us," I replied firmly, my tone making it clear I didn't want to elaborate.

"We can't waste any time," Roy went on, picking up where I'd left off. "The longer we sit around, the less time we have to prepare when they _do _finally arrive. If we're leaving, we need to go before we lose the advantage."

I nodded in agreement as we hit the living room.

"Wait a second!" Ricky burst out. "If you just leave us here and go to wherever, they could just stop in and grab us while we're all alone. How are we any safer?"

I hesitated. I hadn't thought of that. _Dammit, that's probably true. If Mortimoron is heading this whole wackjob operation, he's probably got one of those cameras in that TV room tuned in here somewhere, which is pure paranoia fuel._

"That can be taken care of now," Roy said to me. "We can proceed with your plan as usual, except we all go. Fullmetal and Alphonse can stay with Ricky and Cassie while we confront this Wing character."

"Are you sure it will be safe enough?" Riza asked.

"It'll have to be."

"I don't know about this," I cut in. "Not that I doubt you guys' skills or anything, but I don't want that freak or his goons anywhere near my family."

"Understandable, but we don't have a lot of plays here. At least this way he can't surprise us," Roy said.

"Don't worry, Joey, Brother and I will protect them with our lives," Al promised me. Cassie nodded like a bobblehead to corroborate his statement.

"Besides, no half-baked loser in a suit's gonna mess with us," Ed added, crossing his arms.

Well, I wasn't happy about this, but I finally nodded. "Okay. But promise me, _promise_ me, you'll be careful," I said to Ricky, giving him my most serious look.

To his credit, Ricky could see I was serious, and gave me a surprisingly thoughtful gaze before nodding.

* * *

About twenty-five minutes later, I pulled up to the park. As I'd been hoping, it was completely deserted. Nobody really wants to use it because some teenage wannabe thugs vandalized the hell out of it a couple years ago, and it's apparently beneath the city's notice to do anything about it. Of the minimal playground equipment crowded into one corner, only one swing remained useable, and even that was covered in graffiti like everything else.

"Pleasant," Roy commented as I parked in a handicapped space and turned off the engine.

"More importantly, empty," Riza reminded him.

The three of us climbed out of the van and looked around. "Any idea when they'll show?" Roy asked.

"Not a one," I replied. I turned back to the van. Ed had just climbed out of the backseat and was surveying the area. Ricky poked his head out. "Remember, lay low," I told him again, pointing a finger.

"I promised, remember? Like four times," Ricky said.

"I hope you meant it every time, you butthead."

Ricky grinned, hearing me with a note of attitude in my voice, the first time since we'd settled on the new plan. "Of course, you bully," he said.

I managed a return grin, then faced Al, who had put his feet on the ground and was sitting in the van where the middle bench was. "I'm counting on you to be the smart one here," I said to him.

"Ha ha," Ed muttered as he leaned against the passenger door.

"I promise, we'll be careful," Al said. I'd extracted that promise from him twice as many times as Ricky, but he'd patiently reassured me every time. Cassie was currently tucked away in his armor, which both protected her and prevented him from being poofed away unexpectedly.

I crossed the parking lot and stepped onto one of the sidewalk paths that wound around the park, Roy and Riza right behind me. Since her usual gun was out of ammo, Riza now carried the gun of that one goon who had shown up in my house and first informed me of my status as a so-called "failed tester". I wondered if that loser was suffering in a hospital somewhere, and the thought cheered me up.

"So we're just going to sit around and wait until they arrive?" Riza asked.

I shrugged. "Not much else we can do. We already discussed the plan to death on the way." I was amazed to realize I wasn't even afraid of the upcoming skirmish. I was going to find one way or another to make Mortimer regret messing with my family. I'd see to it.

We came upon a bench that was amazingly unbroken, though it was covered in a layer of graffiti. I glanced back and saw that the van was safely out of sight, then sat down on a crude drawing of a clown flipping the bird and heaved a sigh. "Sorry I dragged you guys into this mess," I said. "I'm sure you've got more important things to do in your dimension."

"No sense apologizing when you weren't a part of this in the first place," Roy said.

"I know, but it still sucks."

"There's nothing you can do about that now," Riza reminded me with an encouraging smile.

I managed a return smile, even though I wondered if they could really be that forgiving about a problem they should have never even known existed.

* * *

Amazingly, I found myself dozing off a little, my head sinking in the direction of Roy's shoulder. But Roy's abrupt, "Here he comes," jolted me back into alertness. Both he and Riza were staring steadily down the path, and I followed their gazes.

Mortimer was casually strolling up the sidewalk in our direction, hands in his pockets. With his relaxed expression and unhurried stance, he could have passed for an innocent bystander on an afternoon stroll, except for the stupid suit. I hopped off the bench immediately to clear my head and started towards him purposely, hands swinging in loose fists at my side. Without a word, I felt Roy and Riza fall into step with me.

"So you found us, Douchey," I called when we were about ten feet from each other.

"So I did," Mortimer said with his stupid smirk. "And where's the brother and sister?"

"Yeah, nice try," was my reply. I stared straight into his eyes, refusing to glance back in the direction of the van, and give this loser any hints.

Mortimer chuckled like a bastard. "Always a snappy reply."

"Yeah, yeah, save it. Where's the goon squad?" I replied.

"They're…on call, so to speak. I was hoping we could negotiate peaceably like mature adults," said Mortimer.

I scoffed, hard. "Oh, sure, that ended great the last time, what with you threatening to shoot my mom and trying to kill the rest of us."

"Well, circumstances have changed slightly—"

"Meaning you can't use my mom as a hostage—"

"—and I _was_ hoping for another shot at coming to an agreement with you before force was utilized again."

I just gave him a look. "There's not much you can say that will dissuade me from wanting to punch your smartass face in," I commented.

Mortimer's face was so smug it was practically imploding on itself. "You can use all the threats you want. I think you realize I hold the upper hand at this point. I have more than enough resources to make your life hell if you refuse to even attempt negotiation, despite your drafting the colonel and lieutenant into bodyguard service."

"We never would have become involved were it not for you and your people," Roy said crisply before I could think of something witty. "You have only yourself to blame on that count."

Mortimer's smirk readjusted a little, as if he were digesting that it was indeed all his fault. "Well. It's still no matter. Are you at least willing to consider, Joey? It can be made worth your while, if you'd at least try to work with us."

"After what you and your moron brigade has done to my family? I'll say it one more time and hope it gets through that five-gallon layer of gel on your thick head: _no way in hell, you ass_."

Mortimer's smirk faded into a rather displeased sneer. "I see. I think Phoenix did a little _too _good of a job encouraging your smart mouth."

I stood my ground, glaring at him.

"Then I suppose you've brought these results on yourself," he went on, raising a hand.

I felt a jolt of fear. As if sensing it, both Roy and Riza shifted slightly closer to me. I appreciated the gesture, but I couldn't help feeling a little scared.

_This is it._

"Hold your horses, people."

_This is not it._

My head, and everyone else's, snapped to my left. Ike stood there, dressed in a sleeveless black shirt and red jeans. He stood with his feet spread and his arms behind his back, his brows raised and a smile on his face. It looked like the most Ike-like cat-ate-the-canary pose I'd ever seen.

"_You_!" Mortimer practically gasped, all his smuggery changing to straight up anger. "What the hell are you doing here, Tak?"

"My job. Which is more than I can say for you, General," Ike said to him.

"Ike, where the _hell_ have you been?" I snapped next.

"Like I said, doing my job. More specifically, getting the necessary permission to put an end to this ridiculousness before it gets out of hand."

"Explain yourself," Mortimer said through gritted teeth.

Ike's grin got a little wider. "Sure. Your assignment here has officially been cancelled, and all your backup has been dismissed. Not only that, but I've been placed in charge of cleaning up the mess you and Phoenix made. In other words, you've been demoted." As Ike spoke, Mortimer had gone paler and paler, much to my pleasure. "Oh, and…you sure you should be speaking to a superior officer like that?"

"What? No! There must be some mistake! The last report I sent in clearly explained how the situation was about to be resolved—" Mortimer began to sputter.

"Yeah, well the mess made of the building begged to differ," Ike commented.

"Does this mean we're no longer in danger?" Riza asked Ike.

"It means just that, Lieutenant. Now that the general's no longer allowed to have goons point guns at you," Ike said.

"Why couldn't you have done this sooner?" Roy wanted to know.

"Well, it wasn't until I learned who was in charge that I realized how I could fix this. But I had to do it without him realizing it, or he could have tried to head me off," Ike explained. "That's why I disappeared on you guys."

"We could've been killed!" I exclaimed.

Ike smiled at me. "Nah. You were in charge, Joey. I knew you'd be able to handle it."

Even though I did feel a little swell of pride at his faith in me, I still wanted to hit him. "So you waited for the most dramatic moment to appear and fix everything?" I said instead.

"Well…" Ike hemmed, and I knew I was right, and rolled my eyes.

"You…" I had never heard Mortimer snarl before then, but that was definitely what he was doing. I looked back at him in surprise, to see his glare directed at Ike. "You are not going to get away with this. Once I send in an appeal, you will seriously regret messing with me." The level of his anger seemed kind of high for just this one thing, but I figured I wasn't one to measure the shortness of someone's fuse.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm terrified. Now go on and disappear like I know you will," Ike said with a shooing motion.

Mortimer shot of a look of pretty damn pure hate before vanishing in an air shimmer.

* * *

Zilo: Dun dun...whah? So is it over then? Happy ending time? We're almost there, but we've got a few more loose ends to wrap up. My goal is to finish before the new year, so wish me luck!


	17. Fearless Leader

Zilo: I can give you a list of reasons as to why this update broke the record, OR I can thank you all for being patient and get on to the next chapter! Hmmm, my psychic powers say...you want the second one!

So, thanks and love to **Kasani, Beryl Bloodstone, DoctorWhotaliaandtheOlympians, NightCoringMadness, FireDragonX23, Shinigami's-Neko-Gaki, alexthregreat123, Bangkok-chan, DERANGEDauthor24, Kittenizzy Love Edward Elric, Mcat9905, Dfire, BestFriendMarcus, The Fire Rain Alchemist, Scaehime, Miss Fiction Freak, Guest, BerserkMoon,** and** MiaTenshiDarkAngel **for reviewing and leaving awesome encouragement and funniness! Here's YOUR ETERNAL REWARD...which is a chapter and not a knife to the face.

* * *

**17: Fearless Leader  
**_in which Joey believes in herself_

"Explain yourself," Mortimer said through gritted teeth.

Ike's grin got a little wider. "Sure. Your assignment here has officially been canceled, and all your backup has been dismissed. Not only that, but I've been placed in charge of cleaning up the mess you and Phoenix made. In other words, you've been demoted." As Ike spoke, Mortimer got paler and paler, much to my pleasure. "Oh, and…you sure you should be speaking to a superior officer like that?"

"What? No! There must be some mistake! The last report I sent in clearly explained how the situation was about to be resolved—" Mortimer began to sputter.

"Yeah, well, the mess made of the building begged to differ," Ike cut in.

"Does this mean we're no longer in danger?" Riza asked.

"It means just that, Lieutenant. Now that the general's no longer allowed to have goons point guns at you," Ike said.

"Why couldn't you have done this sooner?" Roy wanted to know.

"Well, it wasn't until I learned who was in charge that I realized how I could fix this. But I had to do it without him realizing it, or he could have tried to head me off," Ike explained. "That's why I disappeared on you guys."

"We could've been killed!" I exclaimed.

Ike smiled at me. "Nah. You were in charge, Joey. I knew you'd be able to handle it."

Even though I did feel a little swell of pride at his faith in me, I still wanted to hit him. "So you waited for the most dramatic moment to appear and fix everything?" I said instead.

"Well…" Ike hemmed, and I knew I was right, and rolled my eyes.

"You…" I had never heard Mortimer snarl before then, but that was definitely what he was doing. I looked back at him in surprise, to see his glare directed at Ike. "You are not going to get away with this. Once I send in an appeal, you will seriously regret messing with me." The level of his anger seemed kind of high for just this one thing, but I figured I wasn't one to measure the shortness of someone's fuse.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm terrified. Now go on and disappear like I know you will," Ike said with a shooing motion.

Mortimer shot him a look of pretty damn pure hate before vanishing in an air shimmer.

It took a few moments for my heart to settle down, and I sighed heavily and ran a hand through my hair. Next to me, Roy heaved a sigh of relief, and Ike seemed to relax a little.

"A flair for drama, huh?" Roy commented, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Goes with the job," Ike said with a shrug.

"Never mind that," I butted in. "Why didn't you say anything? You just disappeared without a trace, and I was worried sick about you, you jerk!"

Ike's triumphant smile slipped a little as he regarded me. "I told you, I couldn't let Mortimer know—"

"Bullshit! You could have said something to me anyway! I would've kept it secret! But you just had to go and be all mysterious about everything, just like the stupid hacks you work for!"

"Joey..." Riza said, half-warning and half-concerned.

"...No, she's right." Ike looked away, now completely subdued. "I'm sorry. I should've trusted you more."

My new anger leaked away a little, seeing Ike now reduced to what looked a lot like shame. I glanced away too, suddenly at a loss for words myself.

"I think we should go tell Fullmetal and the others the good news," Roy commented suddenly, starting down the path ahead of us. "Lieutenant?"

"Naturally, sir," Riza said without missing a beat, falling into step beside him. They were giving us privacy, and I appreciated it.

Ike and I remained awkwardly not looking at each other until they'd put a good distance between us. Then we both looked up and spoke abruptly. "I—" We both halted with the same hesitant looks.

"You first," Ike said, gesturing to me.

_Well, if you're offering._ I swallowed and finished my thought. "I sure as hell wanna blame you for everything, but...you did come to help us. We'd probably still be flailing around in the dark without you, so...um, thanks."

Ike looked down at the ground again. "I wasn't supposed to. Taskmaster Phoenix—I mean, your mom was supposed to have free reign, and I was basically just there to sign all her petitions and oversee the completion of the testing. I—I wasn't supposed to get involved, but..."

Watching him stumble for words, I suddenly had a flash of genius, and I can honestly say I have no idea where it came from. "You're higher ranked than my mom...you're a senior officer, right? Was it you who delayed my testing?"

Ike looked up in surprise, then turned red with embarrassment. "Yeah, I...how'd you know?"

"I'm smart," I replied easily, though the real answer was _hell if I know_. "So you've been helping me a lot really, more than usual."

Once again he looked away from me. "More than I should've. I shouldn't have gotten involved at all. I mean, we probably shouldn't even have been friends, but you seemed like an interesting person, and I just wanted—I just wondered..."

"You don't have any other friends?" I was on fire today.

His shoulders hunched just slightly. "Senior officers usually don't."

"So...when did you decide you need to interrupt my 'testing' so hard?" I asked.

He seemed to shrink even more, his arms wrapping around his midsection as if to protect him from my question barrage. "There's...there was...I was overseeing two other tests simultaneously. Both of them were horrendous failures. I sort of helped to salvage one, but with some serious damage to that particular branching dimension, and the other...just...exploded in my face, basically. I thought that...it looked like something like that might happen to you and I just couldn't..."

_God, what the hell is going on here? _I could feel a lump growing in my throat. Ike had often been an annoying snarker, a cocky wiseass, a drunk jokester, all sorts of fun and irritating personas. He'd never been...sad.

"And the douche?" I asked, trying to change the subject a little. "Why was he so dead-set on ruining everything for everyone and being horrible about it?"

"Oh, him." Ike laughed a little, but it was like he was mocking his usual laugh. "He likes to hold grudges. Specifically against people who dump him."

I know my neck craned back a little. "You _dated_ that piece of phlegm?" _Isn't he an old geezer? Doesn't that break the law?_

"Something like that. He wouldn't know a real relationship if it kicked him in the face, though; it was more like he was trying to orchestrate a political marriage. He likes to have control in as many areas as possible, and he didn't have a foothold in my department yet," Ike said, with a shrug that took a lot of effort to look effortless.

"Well now I have another reason to throw up when I think of him," I sighed.

Ike managed a smile at that, and my super smarts finally clued me in to what all of his body language had been screaming at me this whole time. "Ike...you're wiped out, aren't you," I said.

He let out some sort of laughing sigh. "I must be slipping pretty badly if you can tell," he said.

I chewed on my lip for a second, then gave in to my gut instinct and reached out. Ike flinched, but I determinedly put my arm around his shoulders. "Listen, I think I can handle this from here. You should go catch a nap or something. Or better yet, take a whole vacation. Go to a spa somewhere and get your back cracked."

"I don't think a back cracking is what I need," he said.

"Then do whatever the hell it is you need to do to unwind. And if it makes you feel better, I've decided to forgive you for being a lying bastard."

I had hoped that the little joke would make him laugh, but instead he looked like he wanted to cry. I remembered how he'd gotten seriously quiet whenever I'd said I couldn't trust him, and swallowed to get rid of that stupid lump in my throat.

"Look, you idiot, do you think all my ranting and raving about you betraying my trust would have happened if I didn't care about you? Convoluted Illuminati plots or no, you're my best friend and you're not going to change that so easy, you get me?" I threatened him. I saw a hint of a smile and charged blindly ahead the only way I knew how. "Now as a failed tester who's not under your stupid organization's jurisdiction, I'm ordering you to get some rest and leave this to me. You trusted me this far, so do that for a little longer, got it?"

Finally, finally Ike looked back up at me. He still looked worn, but he was at least smiling again. "...Well, since you asked so nicely..." he said.

I grinned, now fully triumphant. "Damn straight!"

* * *

I reached the area where the van was with a positive stride. I was going to project enough confidence to strangle everyone in that van. As I rounded the corner, however, I was attacked by a blur of limbs and red hair.

"You really _are_ alive!" Ricky yelled.

"Joey!" Cassie seconded.

"_Shit_!" I hollered, startled. "Don't just jump on me like that!"

They were too busy hugging me to respond to my scolding.

Ed strode over next, scowling. "So it's really over? You just _talked_ yourselves into a victory?" he demanded.

"So sorry it wasn't an epic brawl," I deadpanned.

"I'm just glad you're all safe," Al, the voice of reason, said.

"Where'd your friend go?" Roy asked.

"He's under direct orders from me to stop butting in and get some rest," I said. "And speaking of rest, let's jump in the van and get back to the house."

Roy nodded. "I assume you'll be returning us to our proper dimension?"

"You bet. But seriously, my head's still killing me. Lemme pop an aspirin first."

"Hey, I brought some of that!" Ricky exclaimed, releasing me with one arm to dig in the pocket of his khakis. He removed a purse-sized tube of ibuprofen and presented it to me on a flat palm, grinning.

Honestly, I was stunned, and I think my mouth gaped too. "How the hell'd you think to bring that?" I demanded.

"I'm smart!" he replied, oh-so-humbly.

"Shut up and gimme." I snatched that stuff like it was candy and was working at the childproof cap before I even finished talking.

* * *

I woke up that evening crammed into my bed. I say crammed because at some point during my hours-long nap, Ricky and Cassie had found their way into my bed again and were taking up every inch of spare room. Thankfully, my on-again-off-again pulsing headache from getting smacked in the back of the head with a giant metal ball seemed to have been suppressed by the ibuprofen I OD'd on earlier.

I sighed dramatically and set about working myself out of bed without disturbing the two. After a few moments I'd made it, and I once again covered them up with my comforter. I pulled my hair back into a presentable bun and straightened my slept-in clothes before leaving my room and heading downstairs.

There, Ed was asleep on the couch, the same place he'd been since we'd gotten back. Roy and Riza were sitting in chairs and appeared to be quietly talking. Al was sitting cross-legged on the floor with his back against the couch. They all looked up when I appeared.

"Hey," I said. "Did you guys rest or anything?"

"In shifts," Riza said.

"How's the head?" Roy asked.

I touched the side of my head. "A lot better. Good for mystical chauffeuring. So...we ready?" They nodded. "Anybody gonna wake Ed up?"

Al turned to look over his shoulder at his brother. "I almost don't want to disturb him, but I guess he _should _be awake for this." He reached out and lightly shook Ed's shoulder. "Okay, Brother, nap time's over."

Ed didn't budge. _Dude sleeps like me, _I thought with a snicker.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Roy asked me next.

"_Yeah_," I automatically shot back. Then, after a moment, "well, probably. I winged it all right before; I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Your ability to inspire confidence needs serious work," Roy said dryly.

"Colonel, be nice," Riza said.

Roy almost rolled his eyes, which forced me to stifle a giggle.

"Oh no..." Al's suddenly worried tone drew all our eyes to him. He was still shaking Ed, but harder. "Something's wrong. Brother's not responding at all."

My smile dropped entirely, along with my stomach. Roy instantly got up and went over to where Ed lay on the couch. He felt Ed's wrist first, then held a hand over his mouth. "His breathing's too shallow," Roy reported grimly.

"Brother? Can you hear me? Wake up, come on!" Al's voice got a frantic edge to it.

_Shit! This cannot be happening right now! _I bit my lip and watched helplessly as Al started to shake Ed even harder. Riza put both her hands on Al's. "That won't work, and you might hurt him," she said.

"But...but—!" Al was at a loss.

"We need to get him to a hospital," Roy said. It took me a moment to realize that he was talking to me.

"W-What? _Here_? We can't! Hospitals mean records and questions and not-flying-under-the-radar-isms, which we've actually started doing all right!" I babbled.

"Then send us back, and we'll take him to ours," Roy commanded.

I swallowed. "Okay. That then. Everybody should..." I trailed off when I realized that Roy still held Ed's wrist, Al had stopped shaking but hadn't released Ed, and Riza's hands were still on Al's. "Oh. Never mind. You're touching already. Okay, give me a sec..."

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. Now I was regretting taking that medicine. The headaches made it easier to tell when I was about to do something dimension-related. If I couldn't feel them, then how...?

_Shut up about that! You just said you had this under control! The ability's in there, you just have to find it! Like how you had to keep practicing how to flare your nostrils on command...just a hell of a lot more important!_

Right. I could do this. I was amazing and wonderful and talented. I had to believe that.

_I can teleport! I can teleport! To Central! Near the hospital would be nice!_

I could hear Roy and Riza talking to each other in low voices, something about Ed, but they were quiet mumbles in the background. I was completely focused inward, on myself and my powers, looking for the switch to flip to get them where they needed. Almost instinctively, I reached out my hand. I felt it land on something that felt like an arm under a sleeve.

"Joey?" Riza asked me quietly, revealing it was her arm.

"Please..." Al whispered, sounding scared.

_Go! Go! To Amestris! To Central! To the hospital!_

_Come ON, dammit!_

I felt the tiniest pulse at the base of my skull, a little too low for where I'd been clonked in the head earlier. Eagerly, and desperately, I zeroed in on that pulse.

_All my hopes and dreams are on you, you stupid pulsing whatever!_

The faintest ache began to spread rapidly from that point all across my head, like I'd bent over and someone was dumping water on me from the neck up. I squeezed Riza's arm a little tighter and pictured Central.

_Damn! I don't know where the hospital is! Oh well, please let us be close!_

The ache spread away in the same pattern it had appeared, and I felt the floor beneath my feet harden and become uneven.

First thing I heard was Roy's muttered "Oh hell!" Then Al's "Oh no!" And finally, the sound of a car horn.

The arm I'd been gripping yanked itself free before clotheslining me straight on, knocking me backwards. I choked, and my eyes flew open. I saw a whirl of orange sky and dim buildings before I landed, hard, on the ground, with someone half on top of me.

I coughed a couple of times, then let out a furious "Good _God_, _why_?!"

"You transported us into the middle of the street," Riza told me with no nonsense as she got off me.

"Oh, I did?" I sat up, and the setting finally came into focus. A town bathed in sunset, but a much brighter version than I'm used to.

Riza stood over me, offering a hand up. "It looks like we made it, more or less safely."

I took her hand and got up. Then I finally got a good look around and realized we were alone. Well, alone with the pedestrians who were gawking at us. "Where's the colonel and the Elrics?"

"I don't know."

"Damn, again?" I sighed. "You were still touching Al, right? They should have come along."

Riza seemed to be thinking. "I believe they did, but for some reason we got separated."

"Hey, yeah, because I heard them before I opened my eyes. Did they poof or something?" I looked around as if I could spot them hiding.

"Like I said, I don't know. But if they made it safely they'll be heading for the hospital. We should go there as well," Riza said.

I nodded. "Sounds good. Lead the way."

* * *

Approximately three miles later (which is hell in socks and no shoes, let me assure you), we were at the hospital. For once, I assumed the role of quiet backup and let Riza do the talking at the front desk. To both our disappointment, it looked like our missing three hadn't made it to the hospital yet.

"What do we do?" I asked when the receptionist turned to speak with a doctor.

Riza heaved a sigh. "There's not much we _can_ do. I'll call Headquarters and see if we can have a search started for them. Hopefully they'll show up soon and we won't have to worry too much."

I nodded. "Okay, you call and I'll wait outside and see if they appear on the horizon."

As Riza got the receptionist's attention to ask for a phone to use, I turned and went outside. The sun was almost gone, and the streetlights were on. Not a lot of people were out at this hour, so if they _did _appear they'd be easy to spot. I picked a section of the wall to lean on where I could get a good look both ways down the street, and settled in to wait.

It occurred to me suddenly that Ricky and Cassie were home alone. I felt a jump of fear before remembering that we'd thrashed the bad guys. Certainly Asshole Mortimer wouldn't be able to get his hands on them if he was busy being demoted. And with all the cast back here in Amestris, maybe the whole stupid organization would just leave us alone. That was all I wanted—to get life back to normal.

_But what IS normal now? _I thought, frowning. Before all of this, normal was Mom not being a villain, and anime still being fictional, and Ike not being a dirty betrayer friend who I couldn't quite hate since he _had_ helped us. Now that this whole Leave It To Beaver charade I'd unknowingly been in had been broken into a billion pieces, what would I do? Just take over the household and have Ricky and Cassie in school as usual? At least I could legally do that, but I'd have to get a better job than my part-time. Or maybe a couple of jobs.

Well, maybe Aunt Jay would come and help. Unless she was in on this too, a thought that made me shudder. Hell, maybe even my neighbors were a part of the scheme, and the only ones not in the loop were me and my siblings. How awful would that be?

_So awful that I really don't wanna think about it right now._

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, taking another look down each way. Still no Roy, or Al. Maybe I'd sent them to another city? Or somewhere else with convenient hospitals and doctors on hand? Maybe we'd all overreacted and Ed would be fine.

_Well, a girl can hope. _I sighed again. And then nearly jumped out of my skin when a girl literally appeared in front of me.

"W-What the _hell_?" I yelped, automatically flailing across the wall away from her.

"Gah! Sorry! I didn't mean to startle ya there, Joey!" The girl held out her hands as if to calm a wild animal, her eyes wide.

I peered at her suspiciously. She _looked_ normal enough—brown eyes, dark skin, darker hair up in a ponytail, a T-shirts and jeans and sneakers, a backpack—but she'd literally appeared out of nowhere. "Ugh...you know my name? Then I'm guessing you're a part of that God-stupid chain-letter brigade. When are you assholes gonna leave me alone?" I asked, exasperated.

"Well I'm actually not a part of that. I mean, I got m' license, but I'm sorta specialized? Tak sent me," the girl said.

Ike?

"Why?" I asked next.

"Well...we got a problem. And he specifically said only you can fix it, so here I am to collect ya!" The girl scratched the bridge of her nose and looked at me hopefully.

I was a little weirded out. "Okay...what's the problem?"

"Probly better if I show ya instead of tryin' to explain it all." The girl reached for me, but I swatted her hand away. "Hold on a damn second! Don't got touching me all willy-nilly! And I can't just leave the lieutenant here!"

She blinked, then paled. "Oh, but the lieutenant? Um, I can't let her see me, it could destroy a few dimensions."

"...I'm sorry, what?"

"Please just come on!" She extended her hand towards me, looking a little frustrated. "I promise it's not a trap, but if we don't go in the next couple seconds I'll hafta move us through space _and _time and that's harder than just space. Please? It's about Ed and Colonel Roy."

At that, I snapped to attention. "You know where they are?"

"Yeah, and I'll take you! But we have to _go_!"

I made up my mind in that second. Maybe someone else in my shoes would have still wanted to know more, or at least gone to tell Riza I was about to vanish. But instead I just took her hand before she even finished talking. She snapped up her other hand, and clenched between her fingers was what looked like a white credit card, in fact a lot like the one I'd seen on Ike back at the headquarters.

The scenery changed in a snap, different from the fade-out-fade-in I was used to. The city around us snapped into a forest, and almost immediately I heard a crash behind us.

"That way," the girl whispered, pointing. "You gotta stop the fight and revive Ed and Colonel Roy. The write-up's still in the pipe, but if you can hold him off for a little bit it'll go through and you'll be in the clear."

"The hell are you talking about?" I asked, my eyes turned towards the sound of a scuffle, hidden by more trees.

"You'll get it when you get in there. Now I gotta motor before something unexpected happens and I totally ruin everything."

I twisted around to see her release my hand. "What, you're gonna poof without even introducing yourself? Since you were flinging _my_ name around..."

"Oh? Uh..." She worked her jaw for a second, like she was thinking it over. "Yeah, guess it can't hurt. I probly won't see you again. I'm Astrid, you can ask Tak about me later."

She smiled at me, saluted, and then disappeared in a snap of air.

I looked at the spot where she'd been for a moment, then pointedly rolled my eyes. All these mysterious people were giving me a non-dimension-hopping-related headache.

Resignedly, I turned and started trudging through the trees to find out exactly what was waiting for me.

* * *

Zilo: Once again, thanks for that patience! Until next time!


End file.
